Ugly
by calladragon
Summary: This is more free flow nonsense like Insanity while I try to coax my muse into coming back full time to finish the rest of my work. Real summary to come.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: I work retail full time so mid-November to mid-January is a bad writing time for me under the best of circumstances because I'm exhausted and have no free time. Add some emotional family drama involving my ex-husband over the holidays and my muse decided to pack her bait bucket and go! Since I'm still part of his family although he and I aren't close, I got swept up in the mess, too. Considering I'm just getting back into writing after a year and a half of an AWOL muse - I can only apologize for not posting. Nothing is abandoned - I'm working on new chapters for the stories so recently started/resurrected right now. Unfortunately, my muse isn't back full force so I'm coaxing her out by going with whatever she feels like writing until I get back into the flow of things. This story, like Insanitiy, is free flow nonsense my muse feels compelled to write and may end up getting finished before I turn back to the other stories as promised. Extended periods of not being able to write is nothing new for me. It happens every few years. I always bounce back. It's all part of a very natural, familiar cycle with me. Thanks for your patience and not giving up on me. ~Calla

#

Glancing at the figure lying so still in a hospital bed from the open doorway, the thought flickered through Jane's mind she could be lying somewhere else equally still for a very different reason. Shaking that image from his mind, he refused to go where he'd already been. Fortunately, he didn't have to. Lisbon was found alive and well in the end. Or, more accurately, she'd been released alive and mostly well discounting any emotional traumas.

Why that was so, Jane didn't know and wasn't sure he wanted to find out.

But, reservations aside, he wasn't kicking a gift horse in the mouth. Not this time around. He knew better. He'd accept the unexpected benevolence at face value knowing the other shoe would drop somewhere down the line. It had to or their nemesis wouldn't be a twisted serial killer and a nasty little man. No matter. He'd be ready for the next twist RJ wanted to deliver when he was ready to deliver it.

They all would.

He'd see to that or his name wasn't Patrick Jane.

"Hey." A quiet voice penetrated his thoughts. "You coming in or staying out?"

"What do you think?" Jane walked over to sit on the side of the bed resisting the urge to tuck a messy lock behind her ear. "I don't know if you've heard yet; but, they're springing you in the morning."

"I heard." Lisbon fidgeted with the monitor attached to her finger tip. "You picking me up?"

"Wouldn't miss it for the world." Jane informed her. "In fact, I'll probably be here long before the final papers are signed."

"I don't know why they're keeping me in the first place." Lisbon groused staring malevolently at the nurse's station. "It's not like I'm hurt."

"Not physically." Jane agreed. "But you were pretty shaken up."

Enough so that while there hadn't been any notable outward signs of what she'd been through except for overall apathetic grogginess; there'd been enough subtle physiological signs the ever illusive "they" decided to keep her for observation against her will. Personally, Jane didn't think that was a bad idea. Sat least she'd get some much needed sleep. As much as one could get in a hospital bed and probably more than she'd gotten lately given their recent cases.

"I guess." Lisbon agreed. "Finding Partridge wasn't pleasant; but, it's nothing I haven't seen too many time to recall."

Jane nodded agreeing with her.

However, seeing her with a bloody Smiley painted on her face was something he hadn't seen and never want to see again.

"That's not what I'm talking about." Jane stated quietly recalling how he'd felt wiping Partridge's blood from her face. "You came much too close to dying and we both know it."

He didn't need to remind Lisbon it could have just as easily been her body they'd found instead of the Forensic Ghoul's. Or in addition to. It wouldn't have been R.J.'s first double kill if they had. Not by a long shot. Nor would it have been unexpected.

The exact opposite in fact.

While finding her lying on a gurney hadn't surprised him, finding her alive had.

Everyone knew Lisbon was near the top of Red John's hit list in case she needed a stronger reminder than the one she'd been given.

"Yeah, well, I didn't." Lisbon spoke defiantly. "That's got to count for something."

"It does." Jane said quietly. "It counts for the fact Red John's changed the game plan yet again."

"Maybe it does." Lisbon agreed. "Or maybe he just changed a move and the game's the same."

"Maybe." While he didn't necessarily agree with her, Jane was reserving judgement until he knew more. "We don't have to figure it out right now." They couldn't without more information than they currently had. "He's not going to do anything for a while so you might as well get some rest while you can. I'm going to stay here until you fall asleep then I'll let myself out. You can give me a call in the morning after your release papers are signed. I should be here about the time you're ready to go."

Actually, he wasn't going anywhere. He wasn't letting Lisbon out of his sight now that her various visitors had left for the night. The idea of leaving her alone and vulnerable didn't feel right. Besides, he could doze just fine sitting upright. It wasn't like he slept much anyways and he certainly wasn't sleeping now. It would be just like Red John to strike when they thought the coast was clear. It also wasn't like the officer posted outside her door was worth the number imprinted on his badge since they were clueless who was friend or foe.

"Sounds like a plan." Considering she could barely keep her eyes open, that last pill must have been something to make her sleep…She thought she'd recognized the name printed on it. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Yeah, you will." Jane took that moment to drop a kiss on her forehead confident she wouldn't remember the gesture in the morning and knowing it wouldn't matter if she did. "I'm not going anywhere."

Cutting his eyes to the bed, Jane was pleased to see Lisbon happily drooling in her pillow oblivious he'd said or done a thing.

Watching Jane easily maneuver into a guest parking place, Lisbon released her seat belt and opened her door. She wasn't in any mood to talk. Now that her mind was clear and drug free, she knew what she'd done was stupid and she'd paid for it. Maybe not the ultimate price. But, one memorable enough the experience would stay with her for the rest of her life.

However, Partridge had willingly paid the other and proven himself the creepy Necro-Ghoul Jane always claimed he was.

"You staying?" She didn't need the confirming nod to know her suspicions were true. "Fine. Make yourself at home. I'm going upstairs for a while."

She'd spent longer in the hospital than she'd expected, try most of the day, and she wasn't happy about it. It hadn't helped she'd opened her eyes to discover Jane hadn't left her side contrary to his promise. While grateful he'd kept vigil, the man looked like holy hell in a way she hadn't seen in a while and didn't want to see again.

Bad enough she'd felt guilty all over again.

"Go ahead." Jane opened his car door. "I'll bring everything in and get settled."

Lisbon's nod said, "You do that." as she rolled to her feet and headed for her apartment intent on getting reacquainted with her space. She hadn't been home in several days and that was several too long. Unlocking the door and leaving it wide, she went inside knowing her shadow was close on her heels. Doing a quick walk through gun in hand, she determined everything was as it should be and there were no knife wielding fiends hiding in her closets. Heading for the stairs, she heard the click of the lock as she turned the corner. Jane would do whatever he did. Probably take a much needed nap on her couch. She couldn't care less.

Right now, the only thing on her mind was a long, hot bath and a fresh change of clothes.

Hopefully, a long soak in fragrant bubbles would dispel the coppery scent of blood lingering in her nostrils. A stench more psychosomatic than real but no less unpleasant than it had been when she'd stared into Partridge's death glazed eyes and listened to that final "Tyger, Tyger" whispered in the night. While she'd shared Jane's distaste for the Forensics Investigator, she could have done without his expiring on her watch. What was it with the Red John freaks? The way they went so willingly to the slaughter made her skin feel like it was literally crawling from her body.

Turning the water on full blast, Lisbon poured a generous cap of bubble bath under the tap before tossing her clothes in the trash. Blood stained or not, she wouldn't be wearing any of those again. Walking into her bedroom, she grabbed her nightshirt from the drawer before returning to the bathroom to peel off her undergarments and slide beneath the beckoning bubbles.

What with Partridge being killed with a linoleum knife, her getting captured by Red John, a short hospital stay, and that whole fake murder-turned-suicide case, neither of them had had time to cuss a cat in a shoe box much less anything else.

Certainly nothing pleasant or relaxing.

Hearing scrabbling next door, Lisbon ignored the fact Jane was overstepping the bounds yet again. Give the man an inch and he'd take a few miles. But, she wasn't going to call him on it. She didn't have the desire or energy to fight over anything so trivial. So what if he wanted to camp out in her guest room instead of on the couch as he'd always done? It was clear he expected a nightmare or two. He might be right. He'd already been through what she'd just gone through.

Maybe he knew something she didn't.

She wasn't quite sure how she felt about that: but, she wasn't going there. Right now, she was going to close her eyes and marinate until Jane disturbed her sanctuary making sure she hadn't accidentally drowned herself. As if.

Sometimes Jane could be such a fool…Like right about now….

Opening her eyes, Lisbon knew she hadn't spaced but a quarter hour or so and Jane was already banging on her door. On second thought, from his tone and the temperature of the water, she'd been soaking significantly longer. Knowing Jane, Lisbon made sure she was adequately covered in a layer of bubbles before answering him fully expecting the door to open the sliver it actually did.

The man wouldn't be happy until he saw she was fine and dandy with his two beady little eyes…Not literally beady…Jane's eyes were quite nice…More than nice actually…Mesmerizing…Lisbon giggled to herself over that one before deciding getting kidnapped by Red John had driven her slightly insane…And Jane's crawling all over her last nerve with his overprotectiveness wasn't helping her equalize.

In fact, his attentiveness was doing more towards keeping her off-kilter than anything else.

"Do you mind?" Lisbon resisted the urge to toss her sopping wash cloth at the door. "I'll be down in a minute."

"Take your time." Jane's voice was muffled through the door. "We're having soup and sandwiches."

"What kind?" It so better be Tomato with a side of grilled ham and cheese on that really good homemade Jalapeño bread from the Deli. "Hey, Jane, what kind of soup and sandwiches?"

"The kind that comes from Fredo's down the street." Jane smirked at the sound of water sloshing and tried not to imagine Lisbon rising naked from her puddle of bubbles like Aphrodite from the sea. "I'm making the grilled cheese now."

Walking down the stairs, Jane shook his head marveling at how easy Lisbon was to bait. All he had to do was promise her a full tummy and she fell into line without a fight. Tossing some butter into the frying pan to melt, he quickly assembled the ham and cheese sandwiches the woman loved so well. He didn't have to worry with the Tomato Basil soup. He'd bought that piping hot from Alfredo as well.

Dropping two sandwiches in the bubbling frying pan, he knew it was only a matter of time before Lisbon appeared. He'd already heard the tub drain and knew she had to be dressed. Probably in a tee and yoga pants. While not cool enough to turn on the heat, it was a little nippy to be running around in the tank and shorts she seemed to favor lately. Hearing bare feet on the stairs, Jane smirked at the thought that while anticipating an evening in his presence hadn't done the trick, the scent of melting cheese wafting up the stairs had brought her running. Who'd have thought it? A man of his caliber taking second place to a slab of cheese.

At least it was real deal, not the processed junk, so that counted for something.

"Want me to ladle the soup?" Lisbon removed two bowls from the cabinet even as she spoke.

"Go for it." Jane placed the sandwiches on two plates and cut them in half. "Alfredo sent the parmesan and croutons in those two little cups." He watched Lisbon open the small Styrofoam containers and doctor their soup with practiced ease. "I'd say we're ready. What do you say to grabbing whatever you want to drink and taking this out to the couch? We can throw in one of those movies you deny owning and I'll deny watching and forget the last few days for a few hours."

"Sounds like a plan." Lisbon grabbed a soda before ambling into the den to select a mindless Chick Flick from the shelf she'd probably seen a hundred times already before turning back towards the kitchen. "Hey, Pokey Butt, get a move on…The soup's getting cold and the show's starting…I don't even want to imagine what's happening to my sandwich."

If there was one thing getting Jane on her bad side pretty quick, congealed cheese clinging to slimy ham would do the trick.

"You didn't have to wait." Taking his seat, Jane brought his glass to his lips ignoring the questioning look she shot his way. "It's been a long few days."

"I guess it has." Lisbon agreed savoring a bite of her sandwich. "I've just never seen you drink Bourbon with dinner."

Maybe Bourbon for dinner on those bad nights that only came once a year they didn't talk about.

"There's a first time for everything." Jane set his glass on the coffee table and reached for his soup. "This is really good. What do you say to eating and watching the movie? We can talk about what happened later."

Hopefully a good while later when he wasn't quite so angry with her for taking stupid chances she shouldn't have taken.

Ignoring the slight tick in his jaw signaling Jane's displeasure, Lisbon brought a spoon of soup to her lips having already devoured half her sandwich. She hadn't realized she was so hungry until she'd gotten a whiff of melting cheese and tomato and heard her stomach rumble. It wasn't like they hadn't fed her at the hospital. They had. She just hadn't felt much like eating although the food was surprisingly good.

"We can do that." Lisbon agreed. Not that she wanted to rehash recent events. Most likely neither of them did. But, they needed to clear the air between them before moving on. She also needed to figure out how far her impulsive actions had set Jane back. "Besides, the movie's worth watching if you wanted to know."

"Yeah, right." Jane leaned in to steal a bite of her sandwich. "You're only saying that because the guy gets the girl at the end."

"Maybe." Lisbon nodded. "But it's more like the girl gets the guy; but, I don't want to give it away."

"You can't." Jane nodded in the direction of the screen. "All those things follow the same formula. They just alter the characters slightly and scramble the order of events."

"If it works, don't change it." Lisbon settled back in her corner of the couch ignoring the mocking crinkle to Jane's eyes. "Wouldn't you agree?"

"Yeah, Teresa, I would." Jane settled back to nurse his Bourbon and watch the screen knowing Lisbon was talking about more than silly girly movies. "One or the other of us is always going to do something foolish; but, I wouldn't change a thing."

"Neither would I." Lisbon agreed turning her attention back to the move.

They might as well feel that way.

The only thing either of them would really change was far beyond their control.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: While I'm loosely following the first couple of episodes for Season 6 of The Mentalist in the first couple of chapters of Ugly, I have intentionally altered events here and there to fit my story line. I will continue to loosely follow the show up to a point as I usually do; but, for the most part Ugly is definitely AU. ~Calla

#

"Penny for your thoughts." Lisbon pretended to watch the ending credits rolling by when she was actually watching Jane from beneath her lashes.

Something about his demeanor was making her uncomfortable. Like it was time for the other shoe to drop. Truthfully, it was probably past time for that to happen. Jane had stayed by her side through her hospital stay keeping her safe and entertained. He stayed by her side through the case that came after. That hadn't surprised her in least. They had a pretty good track record where such loyalties were concerned. What had shocked her was he hadn't made a peep about what she'd done.

Or about the response she'd gotten from you-know-who for her trouble.

Likely because her heart monitor had gone off the charts if she even thought about Red John.

Well, that crutch was gone now. She might still go into a panic at the thought of a certain Serial Killer; but, she wasn't about to show it. She was a hard-nosed Lady Cop. She'd been nipping at Red John's butt for years. Just because she'd had a more up close and personal encounter with the monster than she'd ever wanted a few days ago wasn't any reason to lose it.

Not publically anyway.

She wasn't letting Jane know how shaken she still was…No matter what he said…Or how bad his hitting the booze a lot harder than usual was making her feel.

"They're not worth a penny." Jane commented as he raised his glass to his lips.

"They must be worth at least that or you wouldn't be on your second double of the night." Lisbon corrected him.

"You aren't worried I'm getting inebriated are you?" Jane studied his glass knowing she feared no such thing. "Set your mind at ease. It would take a sight more than two drinks over what, four hours, to get me drunk if I hadn't had dinner and two cups of tea along the way."

It was four drinks; but, who was counting?

"I suppose it would." Lisbon agreed. "And I'm not worried about you getting drunk." As if she didn't know his limits after all this time. "I'm just a little surprised you're drinking at all. You don't usually drink alcohol on movie night."

As just plain wrong as it sounded, Jane usually drank tea with his popcorn when he should be snorting soda like a sane person.

"No, I don't." Jane agreed. "But you don't usually get yourself kidnapped by Red John either."

"No, I don't." Lisbon echoed his earlier sentence. "It shouldn't have happened this time either."

"No, it shouldn't have." Jane's tone was deadly. "But, you did something you shouldn't have after I told you to leave it alone."

"I guess I did." As much as she wanted to cop a 'tude since she was only trying to help, Lisbon didn't want to fight a losing battle. "You were right."

"I am right." Jane scooted a little closer to her. "You could have easily died. In fact, when I saw you on that gurney, I thought you were dead. Then I realized you couldn't be because the white sheet was missing."

"Don't be melodramatic." Lisbon fidgeted with the pillow on her lap. "I was just unconscious so it wasn't that bad."

"It was worse." Jane informed her. "You had that damned smiley face painted right here in Partridge's blood."

Jane drew an imaginary circle around her face complete with familiar slash eyes and upturned smile running through her lips in exactly the same spot as the one still haunting his nightmares.

"Yeah, I know." Lisbon swatted his hand away. "You washed it off."

Just the thought of what Jane was saying made her skin crawl. God help her, knowing Red John touched her like that was almost more than she could stand…Yeah, he'd clearly touched her to move her unconscious body…But, it wasn't the same…Not like dipping his finger in the Forensic Ghoul's blood and swiping that image across her unblemished skin….

Lisbon wrapped her arms tightly around herself praying she didn't dissolve into a driveling mass of humanity at the gruesome image playing out in her mind.

"Yes, I did." Jane said quietly remembering how many times he'd had to shout for that water bottle and how quickly he'd shoved that bloodied handkerchief in an evidence bag when he'd wanted to toss it as far as he could throw hoping out of sight meant out of mind. It didn't quite work that way. A Tech had sealed the bag for posterity and he'd no doubt see the damned thing some day in the not too distant future. Unless it magically disappeared from the evidence locker which wasn't as far-fetched as it sounded. "I didn't think you'd want it there."

"You thought right." Lisbon took a deep breath. "I know you said he was just playing; do you still feel the same?"

"Who knows?" Jane said quietly. "No one can be one hundred percent sure where Red John is concerned. You know that. While I'm good at predicting his intentions, I'm not that good and we are talking about a seriously deranged little man."

"Yes, we are." Lisbon wasn't reassured by his words.

"Just the fact you're alive shakes up everything." Jane lightly stroked her hand. "He clearly isn't worried you can identify him or you wouldn't be." She'd be over and done like Sophie Miller; but, he wasn't going there. "While I can't tell you exactly what kind of devious thoughts are twisting around in Red John's mind like a den of venomous vipers; I can tell you I think he was showing us how easily he can get you anytime he wants you. As much as you'd like to deny it, you played right along with his plans. The smiley face was nothing more than a playful reminder you're at the top of his hit parade at best and a very overt threat you're his next kill at the worst."

"Thanks, that makes me feel a lot better; but what else is new?" Lisbon snapped with a bravado she didn't feel.

"The rest of it is." Jane stated bluntly before draining his glass and setting it aside. "You should be dead."

Lisbon had the decency to blanche at his words.

"How did you find me?" No one had bothered filling in that blank.

"Take a wild guess." Jane challenged.

"If I knew, I wouldn't ask." Lisbon stated the obvious.

"When I got back to the station, my cell phone rang." Jane said. "Since it was your number, I thought you were answering my earlier call."

"Since it wasn't me…." Lisbon looked him in the eyes. "It had to be him. What did he say?"

"That you couldn't come to the phone." Jane shivered remember that repulsive voice in his ear. "At that point, I knew something was terribly wrong."

What he'd known and wouldn't say out loud was that Lisbon was dead. Her meddling had signed her death warrant and there was nothing any of them could do to stop it. He'd resigned himself to finding her lifeless body even as they'd located Lisbon's call to the SAC PD and the address she'd given. To say finding Lisbon alive and mostly well was a shock was a huge understatement.

"Fortunately not as terribly wrong as you thought." Lisbon caught his eyes. "I wasn't dead. Just out from the tazing."

"Pretty much." Jane agreed. "For once, I was glad to be wrong."

Lisbon nodded agreeing with his words. If there was one thing Jane hated, it was being wrong. For him to admit he was glad to be wrong about anything wasn't to be taken lightly.

"Yeah, I'm glad you were wrong, too." Lisbon rubbed her hand over her freshly scrubbed face. "I'm also tired so I think I'll going to bed."

"You do that." Jane rose to his feet as she rose to hers setting the throw pillow aside. "I'll try not to wake you when I come up."

"Don't worry about it." Lisbon turned towards the stairs. "I doubt I'll be asleep any time soon."

He doubted it also; but, he wasn't going to discourage her by agreeing with her and he wasn't having another drink. Watching Lisbon disappear up the stairs, Jane made his way into the kitchen, filled the kettle, and set it on the stove. Turning on the burner, he could remember the little tingle of contentment he'd felt all those years ago when she made a production out of letting him know she'd not only bought him an extensive stash of really good tea; but, she'd gone to trouble of buying him a very nice kettle as well.

He'd been both flattered and a bit overwhelmed.

In fact, he still was when he thought about what she'd actually given him whether she'd meant to or not...that comforting sense of belonging.

Something he hadn't had since he opened that door on a dark, dismal night far too long ago.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: While you may see this story going where it's going, please remember it's entitled "Ugly" for a reason even if you don't yet know why. Truthfully, since the story isn't fully written, I might not know ALL the reasons why I chose this title. All I do know is things will get nasty before they get better. Oh, and this story is still flowing easily even if it isn't going quite as fast as I would like due to RL demands on my time. This one isn't going on hiatus. It will be finished as quickly as I can get it written around those necessary things like work and family. :).~Calla

#

Flipping over, Jane gazed at the digital clock through bleary eyes. While he'd fallen asleep soon after his head hit the pillow, he hadn't remained asleep very long. He'd been awake for what felt like hours but was probably only fifteen minutes or so. Realizing he wasn't going to doze off any time soon if he chose to analyze the "might-have-beens"; Jane decided to contemplate the pleasant evening he'd just spent in Lisbon's company instead.

Somewhat surprising, he'd enjoyed her movie.

Or, more likely, he'd enjoyed watching her enjoying her movie more than he'd enjoyed watching the movie itself. Smirking at the blackmail potential, Jane recalled every uncharacteristically girly sound Lisbon had made over a silly romance movie and decided plotting future revenge was far more pleasurable than dissecting her disappearance for a change. That wasn't like him at all. Like watching girly movies with his partner was. Particularly that bit of nonsense when Christmas was long gone. As if some girl from Brooklyn could actually become the future queen of some tiny European country that didn't exist in the first place. Right. Not going to happen; but, if imagining it could made his partner happy, he'd gladly indulge her.

As far as he was concerned, such whimsical foolishness beat the heck out of Shoot-'Em-Ups any day.

He experienced enough of that in real life not to want it in his fantasies.

Smirk disappearing, Jane recalled how the evening had ended. While it wasn't his choice to go there, Lisbon had steered the conversation in directions it needed to go. Maybe the fact he'd chosen to hit the bottle in a manner too reminiscent of the one night a year Lisbon dreaded set her off. Maybe there'd been just enough tension in the air to make her cognizant all wasn't as it should be in spite of the pleasant evening they were spending. He didn't know and it didn't matter. All that did was the truth had come out sans sugar coating and she'd finally realized how close she'd come to dying. Not that she didn't know. She did. It just hadn't quite hit home the way it needed to.

Now it had.

Maybe a little too well from the sounds he was hearing from next door. Perhaps right before bed wasn't the best time to do what they'd done. Then again, it was probably the only time it would ever get done. They'd needed to be as tired and vulnerable as they were. If they weren't, they'd have sweep their resentments and fears under the rug as they always did. If there was one thing he and Lisbon were masters at doing, it was denying their emotions when the need arose.

Deciding he'd heard enough, that the sounds so suddenly penetrating his thoughts weren't the kind he wanted to hear, Jane rolled out of bed. Deciding not to stop to find his pajama top, it wouldn't be the first time Lisbon had seen him shirtless over the years, Jane made his way from his room into the room next door. Flipping the switch in passing, he fully expected the sudden harsh flood of light to snap Lisbon out of her not so peaceful sleep. If that didn't work, she'd surely respond to the sound of him calling her name. When that didn't happen either, he reached out to touch her shoulder.

From the sight of her tousled bed and the twisted night shirt covering far less of her sweaty skin than it should, she'd been lost in her nightmare long before he'd heard the first sound. Still firmly calling her name, Jane reached out to shake her knowing something was off. Given what Red John had done to Kristina, he wasn't totally convinced the lunatic hadn't done something to Lisbon as well. She wasn't snapping out of it like a normal nightmare. In fact, had this been a normal nightmare, he wouldn't be trying to wake her. He'd let her wake on her own and take it from there. Offering comfort and reassurances beat the heck out of the punches he feared were coming. Shaking her yet again, Jane wasn't happy his not so gentle shakes were doing nothing to rouse her. Whatever she was dreaming about had a firm grip on her psyche in ways it shouldn't and it wasn't giving up without a fight. While it could just be a strong manifestation of the stress she'd so recently been through, it could be more as well.

He didn't like it either way.

While he'd expected her to have nightmares, he hadn't expected them to be this bad.

That she hadn't before tonight was a miracle. Then again, it wasn't. She'd been heavily drugged in the hospital in a way she wasn't now. In fact, Lisbon refused to take any of the sleeping pills her doctors had given her preferring to face whatever confronted her when her eyelids closed head on as she did most things in her life.

"Lisbon." Jane shook her a little harder pleased her eyelids were finally starting to flutter. "It's me…Jane…You're safe in your bed."

Blinking at him, Lisbon reached out to caress his cheek as though trying to reassure herself the unblemished skin was real.

"You're alive." She said quietly. "You're not bleeding out everywhere."

There went those hands drifting over his cheeks, down his neck, and across his chest in ways he found vaguely unsettling.

"No, I'm not." Jane tucked a wayward strand of dark hair behind her ear knowing by what she'd been muttering in her sleep that Lisbon had seen him in Partridge's place. "I'm fine and whatever you were imagining was nothing but a very nasty dream."

"I guess it was." Lisbon said quietly. "You're still here and he's gone."

Nodding slightly as he drew her into his arms, Jane felt Lisbon burrow tightly into his naked chest reaffirming he'd played a starring role in her nightmares. If he had any doubts, the salty river of tears soaking his skin said it all. Wisely ignoring her momentary show of weakness, Jane lightly rubbed her back reassuringly. Feeling Lisbon relax into him, he was slightly surprised to feel her wriggling ever closer in a way that felt much too right and far from innocent. If he doubted the woman wasn't herself after that modified lap dance, slender legs wrapping around his waist to bring their bodies together in a less than decent manner reaffirmed his suspicions.

Lisbon hitting on all cylinders would never do such a thing…any of it.

This Lisbon? All bets were off. He didn't know what she would do.

In fact, if he didn't know better, he'd say the woman was making a move on him. A very flagrant move that couldn't be missed. One he was finding hard to resist. Not when his body was responding so strongly to her overtures.

But, he did know better.

Lisbon wasn't consciously doing any such thing. He could tell by that slightly unfocused glint to her eyes that everything she'd just gone through was finally hitting her. If he doubted his suspicions were true, all he had to do was look at her. That control she prided herself on was slipping more and more with every passing moment instead of strengthening as he'd expect it to. Lisbon clearly wasn't accountable for her actions at the moment and didn't realize she was treading on the edge of a dangerous precipice. Jane knew that was closer to the truth than the other with every ounce of being.

However, that didn't negate the fact her lips against his neck felt much too good….

Nor did it change the fact Lisbon knew exactly who she was molesting or she wouldn't be uttering his name in quite that way….

Ignoring the voice in head, Jane reached beneath her nightshirt to stealthfully remove her panties and toss them away grateful Lisbon wasn't protesting his actions…Despite knowing he was quickly succumbing to lust, he wasn't quite ready to blindly accept the feast Lisbon so innocently offered.

Not until he was sure this was what she wanted, too.

As much as he knew he shouldn't, Jane finally gave up the fight when he felt her palms roughly push against his chest. Falling back on the mattress, he didn't resist the fingers pushing his pajama bottoms over narrow hips. Reaching up to pull her nightshirt over her head, he allowed his eyes to roam the lithe body bared to his gaze. Catching her eyes, he moaned softly as Lisbon drew him slowly inside appreciating a moment he'd only dared imagine over the years.

Holding Lisbon a little tighter than necessary, Jane savored the feel of finally having her in his arms. Of sharing an impossible moment that should never happen. Mentally kicking his guilt under an imaginary rock, Jane allowed the sentiments he dare not openly show to wash over him. Had Lisbon not been lost in her own little world, she'd have seen the depths of his feelings reflected in his eyes.

Knowing this, Jane quickly tempered his emotions beneath the passively familiar mask.

She didn't need to know how he really felt. It was much too dangerous. That he knew how her kidnapping impacted him was enough. That he'd realized he'd give up in a way he never had if the unthinkable happened shook him to the core. While he wasn't yet ready to verbally express such emotions didn't mean he didn't have them.

It just meant he was the only one to know.

Seeing the confusion on her face, Jane knew Lisbon wasn't quite sure how they'd gone from sensual cuddling to intimately connected so fast. Touching her cheek gently, Jane leaned in to give her a reassuring kiss. Knowing Lisbon, one of her biggest concerns now that she'd come back to her senses, was how he felt about what was happening between them. Although he knew he'd feel less confident in the morning after the enormity of the line they'd just crossed sank in, at the moment he was quite happy with the situation and he knew Lisbon felt the same.

Her feelings were written across her face now that she knew he was okay with it.

Actually he was more than okay and he intended to prove it for as long as Lisbon was willing to let him.

It wasn't like he'd get another opportunity to show her what he wasn't at liberty to say.

#

Blinking against the sunlight, Lisbon knew she was blushing at the memories suddenly flooding her mind. Whoever started that rumor Jane was irreparably broken years ago didn't have a clue. They really, really didn't. While it might have held a glimmer of truth back in the Kristina Frye days, it hadn't in quite a while and she'd known it. It wasn't like she could miss the attraction he'd felt towards the bad girls over the years. Jennifer Sands and Erica Flynn and the like had given her more than a little worry at times. There was no denying Black Widows and wenches with Praying Mantis complexes held a certain fascination for the man.

However, that strange, innate sense of integrity Jane's big head possessed had overruled any wayward thoughts his little head was having.

He'd not been able to overcome his aversion to true evil to partake of the sins of the flesh with his potential paramours.

Unfortunately, he hadn't felt quite the same where Lorelei was concerned…It seemed he'd not found her truly evil…Or maybe his values had shifted the longer the chase dragged on…Whatever the cause, he'd been willing to do _whatever_ took to get closer to Red John…Even screwing his favorite tool….

Wincing, Lisbon decided she wasn't picking old scabs still much too tender.

She was going to handle the matter at hand instead.

The one that said, any time now, Jane was going to reappear and she'd have to deal with what happened between them. They both would. Deciding it was time to rise and shine, Lisbon walked into the bathroom to stare at her reflection in the mirror and wonder why she didn't look any different when she felt so different…How could she not feel different considering the things Jane had done to her…That she'd done to Jane…That they'd done to each other….

There were some things one shouldn't know about one's partner….

Like doing _that_ right _there_ knocked the breath right out of him...

Yep, there were definitely things one shouldn't know about their partner….

And their partner's shouldn't know about them….

Deciding rehashing their indiscretions wasn't doing anything but getting her hot and bothered, Lisbon turned her shower on full blast before stepping beneath the pelting spray and wetting her hair. Now was as good a time as any to wash her hair. She'd gotten pretty sweaty last night.

Right, just not sweaty enough to warrant indulging in a cowardly delaying tactic.

Humming to herself, Lisbon stepped out of the shower confident a fair amount of time had passed while she'd lathered, shaved, and exfoliated every part of her body she could reach. Donning her under garments, she efficiently dried her hair before applying just enough make up to give her the bit of color she desperately needed. Walking into her room, she decided jeans and a tee shirt would work just fine, oh, and forget the shoes. It wasn't like she was going outside any time soon.

Just down the stairs and around the corner….

"Morning." Entering the kitchen, Lisbon glanced at Jane lounging comfortably against her counter tea cup and newspaper in hand.

"Morning." Jane watched her pour a cup of coffee from the carafe. "Sleep well?"

Lisbon knew he was referring to the couple of hours or so she'd spent hiding from him. First by pretending to still be asleep when he'd rolled out of bed to take his shower and start the day. Then, by dragging out her own shower and taking much longer to dress than it should have taken. Truthfully, she'd drawn everything out long enough she expected him to be long gone when she finally joined the world of the living. He usually was. She should have known today of all days would be different.

What she didn't know was whether to kiss him or pretend they hadn't crossed a line that should never be crossed.

"Yeah, I guess." Lisbon added sugar and cream to her coffee before walking over to sit on the stool beside him. "Considering I should have been up when you were, I'd say so."

"You needed your rest." Jane said quietly before leaning in to drop a kiss on her forehead in that slightly patronizing way that conveyed he knew she'd played possum without saying a word. "Stop feeling awkward. Neither of us did anything we didn't want to do. Besides, it doesn't change anything." Right, like he thought either of them really believed that. "You're still Lisbon and I'm still Jane."

That much was true.

"Yeah, I guess we are." Lisbon agreed taking a sip of her coffee. "What happened happened and it won't happen again."

"It can't." Jane agreed quietly. "Not with him out there looking for any reason to take you down."

Glancing away, Jane didn't want Lisbon to see how much that thought unsettled him. As much as their little interlude had meant to him, it was a breach of reality destined to end much too soon. Now it was time to face the music, do what had to be done, and forget the two had ever been one.

To do anything less was inviting repercussions neither of them were prepared to face.

"When you put it that way, I guess it can't." Lisbon agreed. "Not that either of us necessarily want it to happen again."

"Speak for yourself." Jane said quietly. "You know that isn't true."

Deciding not to say anything more, Jane let Lisbon draw her own conclusions. He knew he'd be interested in pursuing their new found relationship if things were different. If he didn't miss his guess, and he didn't, Lisbon felt the same. Unfortunately, that was as far as either of them could go at the moment. The sad truth was nothing had changed and nothing could change until Red John was eating dirt or safely locked away in some dark cell he could never escape.

Whichever came first.

Lisbon would just have to remain confused in the interim when she had no reason to be confused at all. God help him, he'd dropped more than enough hints concerning how he really felt about the woman. It didn't matter he'd withdrawn an open declaration of his affection and refused to discuss the matter any farther. Lisbon was intimately familiar with his willingness to lie to her face when the need arose. She had been for years. Why should now be different? Taking all of that into account, she should be able to draw the proper conclusion without him saying what he wasn't free to say.

Not when the walls had ears and Lisbon's every emotion flickered across her face.

He'd be signing her death warrant if he did.

Watching every nuance, Lisbon longed to tell Jane he wasn't as inscrutable as he thought he was. Or maybe he was for the most part. Perhaps it would be more accurate to say he wasn't as inscrutable as he thought he was when it came to her. Not always and not right now. She knew every thought passing through his head.

She also knew he was right.

As passionately beautiful and emotional as their encounter had been, it couldn't happen again. They couldn't indulge in a full blown love affair. For one, they couldn't afford the distraction. Even were Jane to suddenly relent and allow anything to divert him from his quest. For another, such a brazen act would be all the impetus Red John needed to finish the job he started that night.

He'd all but fillet her with a linoleum knife.

"I know it isn't true; but, that doesn't matter does it?" She signed in resignation. "Not when he's holding the winning hand."

"The games not over." Jane gently reminded her. "Not until the last hand is played."

"I guess it isn't." Lisbon leaned in to drop a kiss on his lips as she took his tea cup from his hand. "We just don't know when that will be."

Or, more accurately, if it would be.

Watching her walk into the kitchen to prepare more coffee and tea, Jane wondered briefly if Lisbon would still be in the game when the fat lady sang.

Or, more likely, if she'd fold somewhere along the way.


	4. Chapter 4

Watching Jane gazing into his half empty cup, Lisbon knew he was about to make a break for it. She could see he was priming for motion in the uneasy lines of his body. Or maybe she wasn't "seeing" anything. Maybe she just knew Patrick Jane after all these years. This was the kind of situation he'd try to escape as soon as possible without appearing a total jerk. As pleasurable as their tryst had been, the aftermath was stressful and the strain was beginning to show on both their faces. But, Lisbon knew it wasn't the same for her in the light of day.

While aware of the monster lurking in the wings, he hadn't done to her what he'd done to Jane.

Nowhere near.

Maybe scared the devil out of her; but, he hadn't taken everything she held dear.

"Well, I think I'll call it a day." Jane said quietly as he pushed to his feet, cup in hand. "You need to rest and I have things to do."

Like that date with a bottle and rifling through a few files back in the old Man Cave.

"I'll take that." Lisbon rose to her feet as well. "I take it you've already put your things in your car?"

"You take it right." She'd been legitimately asleep when he'd done that. "I didn't want to forget anything."

"You wanted to be ready when you decided to make a break for it." Lisbon called him on it. "Don't try to lie to me."

"That, too." Jane reluctantly admitted. "I think the time to make that break is now."

"You may be right." Lisbon carried their cups into the kitchen. "You've been getting more and more uncomfortable for a while."

"Not uncomfortable." Jane washed and dried his cup and saucer before putting them away. "Concerned. There's a difference."

Concerned and _guilty_ he'd put her in a place he never wanted her to be.

But, he wasn't remotely _uncomfortable_ being in Lisbon's presence or in her home. Were things different, he would gladly stay. Maybe watch another one of those ridiculous movies and go where they'd already been.

Definitely go where they'd already been.

But things weren't different and all good things must come to an end.

"About what?" Lisbon asked. "RJ having a spy out there watching my place?" That was exactly what he was thinking and he might be right. "Are you concerned the longer you stay inside the more likely they might think more is going on than there actually is?" Lisbon ignored Jane's snort at her open denial of what had already been. "Surely you don't think he believes this is the first time you've slept over at my place?"

Even the team knew he did that every now and then after all these years.

While it was perfectly natural for Jane to stay over considering everything that happened, he was normally long gone before now.

"I know better." Jane dismissed her question. "Although I do think this is the one time the longer I stay the less innocent he might think our sleep-over was."

Not willing to risk the fact Jane might be right, Lisbon gave up without a fight.

"This is the one time I think you may be right." As freaky as the past few days had been, she wouldn't put it past Red John to have someone camped outside her place. Nor would she put it past him to be arrogant enough to think his bit of nastiness might cause them to act on the feelings they'd ignored for years. Why shouldn't he? That was exactly what they'd done. "I guess that's all that's left to say. Let me get my shoes and I'll walk you out."

"Keep your monkey toes unfettered and I'll walk myself out." Glancing at her feet, Jane laughed at the way her toes curled at his words. "You walking me out will only cause more questions we don't want asked since I usually sneak out alone while you're still drooling on your pillow."

Besides, as hard as she'd try, Lisbon was liable to betray something they didn't want known in her body language. She couldn't help herself. She was doing it now and didn't even know it.  
Mentally shaking his head, Jane leaned in to drop a kiss on her forehead.

"I'll see you at the office on Monday." Jane ignored the shadow of disappointment crossing her face as he turned to walk out the door.

"Yeah, Monday." Lisbon faked a smile as she locked the door behind him wondering briefly how Jane found it so easy to turn his feelings off.

Halting that train of thought, Lisbon knew there was nothing easy about it.

Not even for Jane.

He just had more experience doing it than she had.

#

Studying her computer screen, Lisbon typed the last sentence of her report and hit the save button. Printing the document and signing it, she added the pages to the file on her desk and closed the cover glad to be done with the last of it. The case of the murdered pizza delivery man hadn't been much of a challenge for any of them and her final report had been on the back burner for much too long. She'd finally gotten a few minutes to dot her I's and cross her t's between more pressing cases so she'd taken advantage of the opportunity and got the job done. For the most part, the whole family were a bunch of idiots including the bride, groom, and the wedding party. The couple of good things coming out of the case was they'd learned MacAllister wasn't afraid of heights. But, he definitely had an issue with pigeons in particular or birds in general. What kind of issue? None of them really knew.

All they did know for certain was what they'd seen meant the Sheriff couldn't be marked off that certain infamous list.

It also meant the jerk could still be Red John.

Shaking her head, Lisbon decided enough with the bad stuff. Some good had come from their jaunt as well. She couldn't overlook that. More than just marking another case closed on the magic board behind her desk. It was something really good for a change.

Rigby and Van Pelt finally tied the knot.

They might as well.

It wasn't any secret Grace had already moved into Rigsby's place in every way that counted. Truthfully, she'd stopped just short of dropping that Change of Address form by HR. She didn't need too. Everyone knew where she spent most of her nights anyway. They'd known for a long time. Not that it mattered. Not now. Cohabitating, or even getting married, wasn't against the rules any more.

They didn't have any reason to sneak around any longer.

Not that they'd been all that good at the sneaking anyway. Not like her and Jane. It hadn't taken long for everyone to know their secret. The same couldn't be said for her situation. No one even had a clue.

Why should they?

Jane had left soon after she made that second cup of tea without even finishing it. He hadn't even given her one last kiss for the road. Not if she didn't count that stupid buss on the forehead. As much as she hated to admit it, his attitude really bothered her. It was like their encounter never happened. As far as Jane was concerned, it probably hadn't. The man had a knack for self-preservation that rivaled her own.

Okay, fine, she understood his feelings up to a point and she got it couldn't happen again.

Fine, they'd agreed on that. No relationship. But, that being said, it _had_ happened once and there was no reason to deny it. Not in the privacy of her home. It was highly unlikely Red John was going to suddenly appear wielding his trusty linoleum knife. They could have enjoyed the fantasy a few more hours; but, no; Jane had beaten a path out the door instead.

Like sharing cooties was suddenly a bad thing.

She'd stood in her doorway feeling like a fool for a few minutes before deciding Jane was having one of his "Woo-Woo" moments and she wasn't going to ask. Turning around, she'd made her way into the kitchen, poured a glass of wine, and headed upstairs to find that long forgotten romance novel.

It was past time for another soak in a tub full of bubbles.

After that, she'd spent what was left of her weekend resting, recuperating and forgetting her Consultant and the illicit things they'd done.

Not that she'd been all that successful on the last one. They'd been much too good and it had been much too long. Or maybe love added a dimension she hadn't really experienced before.

Not like that.

Oh, hell, she so wasn't going there…Moving on….

Monday morning had found her rising with the chickens, throwing on a good pair of jeans and a blazer and hitting the office early even for her. She hadn't been surprised to find Jane already there and the coffee made. As much as she'd wanted reassurance that night wasn't a figment of her imagination and there really was something between them, she hadn't gotten it.

Neither of them had.

After the:

"Morning Lisbon."

"Jane."

They'd fallen back into business as usual much too easily. As though nothing inappropriate had ever happened between them. She'd made her coffee and he'd made his tea before going their separate ways.

Yeah, she'd probably looked a little strained around the eyes if anyone had bothered to look. But, that wasn't anything new. Her job was stressful on a good day without getting snatched by Red John. Jane had his own give away. A barely perceptible tick near his right eye. It didn't manifest very often; but, when it did she knew he was about to tell a doozy. Well, he hadn't said much; but, he clearly wasn't unaffected any more than she was.

Shaking her head, Lisbon dismissed her thoughts. Now wasn't the time to be doing this. Not at work. She needed to leave the past in the past and get a move on. Feeling a little envious of Grace and Wayne, and mildly pissed at her own bad luck, she decided it was time to take a well-deserved break.

So what if she and Jane were free to give it a whirl as far as the CBI was concerned.

The obsessive Serial Killer haunting their nightmares made sure that wasn't happening.

Rising to her feet and heading for the break room to load up on sugar and caffeine, Lisbon was mildly surprised to realize how many weeks had passed since the Red John incident. Two months next Wednesday. Time really flew when one nasty case stacked up behind another. Fortunately, their little detour didn't seem to have overtly affected her working relationship with Jane.

They still got the job done.

Probably because they were both so good at compartmentalizing.

Pouring a cup of coffee and adding an extra teaspoon of sugar, Lisbon briefly wondered where the sugar craving was coming from as she grabbed a doughnut out of the box. Yeah, as cliché as it was, there was usually a box of doughnuts in the breakroom several times a week. What could she say? When the stereotype fit, it fit. Even at the CBI. However, she usually gravitated towards the less sweet cake kind than the jelly filled thickly glazed sugar-coma-waiting-to-happen in her hand.

Oh, well, she wanted what she wanted and right now she wanted sweet.

Carting her take back to her office, Lisbon settled behind her desk to devour her treat as quickly as possible. She had a few minutes to enjoy the peace and quiet before she had to meet the rest of the team in the back conference room. They needed to go over their latest case and make the necessary changes on the Evidence Boards spread throughout the room.

There was something they were missing. She could feel it in her bones. Something obvious staring them right in the face they'd yet to see. Maybe the key to solving the case with or without Jane. Hmm, that was a pleasant thought…It had been a while since they done that…Jane needed a comeuppance…He was starting to get too big for his britches again.

It was time for a little smack down to remind him he was human like the rest of them.

Shoveling the last bite of doughnut in her mouth, Lisbon licked the icing from her fingers and gulped down the last of her coffee. Rising to her feet, she glanced at the time on her computer screen and mumbled Cho's favorite expletive as she raced out the door. Time was ticking faster than she thought. She had to get her rear in gear. She needed to hit the ladies room, do her business, slather on a touch of lip gloss, drag a comb through her hair, and make sure her "Boss" persona was in place.

The way she'd been rushing around all morning, she probably looked more like the harried Soccer Mom she'd never be than "The Man" she was.

Besides, she couldn't afford any chinks in her armor.

Jane was fast becoming a real pain in both cheeks. He wanted to be let loose on the case in that way that always ended up with her getting black marks in her Personnel Folder. That so wasn't happening this time around. He could just reign in the ponies. She wasn't giving into his rabid desire to have some sadistic fun with the bad guys.

Not yet.

Maybe she'd give up the fight in a few days if things didn't start going their way.

Right now, no way.

Wow, as bad as she'd wanted that coma inducing sweet, it wasn't agreeing with her. Must be the Raspberry Jelly. She should have known better than eating something reminding her of congealing blood even if it tasted good in the beginning. Damn. Now she had to go back to her office to get her toothbrush. No, she didn't. She'd grabbed her magic bag from the bottom drawer on the way out. The one with everything in it. She'd also forgotten she'd done it. The case must be getting to her more than she realized.

No, Jane was just dancing on her last nerve the way he sometimes did when he thought he was moving in for the kill.

Even when he wasn't.

Brushing her teeth and swishing some mouth wash, Lisbon wiped her lips and reached for her gloss. She didn't look half bad, and now that her stomach had settled, she was ready to deal with Jane's whining when he didn't get his way. Shaking her head, Lisbon decided he better not try to go behind her back and pull any stunts she didn't okay. Not this time. There was too much potential for everything to blow up in their face.

She'd kick his ass if he did.

Better yet, she'd let Cho do it.

Taking one last look at herself, Lisbon decided she would do. More than do. She looked like she could conquer the world without really trying.

Jane included.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Thanks for enjoying this story and sticking with it even if it's taking a while!~Calla

#

Taking another darker jewel toned shirt out of her closet, Lisbon pulled the dress tee over her head grateful it was the dead of winter so no one expected her to wear lighter colors. Staring at her reflection, she wished she'd paid more attention a few weeks back to that whole doughnut incident. To the fact she'd never gotten sick when she'd eaten one of those before. But, she hadn't.

She'd turned a blind eye to the whole thing and gone about living as though her cast iron stomach revolting out of the blue was a common occurrence.

It had taken her another month to realize something was terribly wrong and another couple of weeks to get her mind around what that something probably was. It didn't help she'd been mind-numbingly busy juggling multiple cases while trying to keep Jane in line when he wanted to be anything but. God save her from those cases that struck a personal cord with the man. Jane with a personal vendetta was almost more than she could handle. Still, that wasn't any excuse for not realizing things weren't as they should be long before she had.

It wasn't the first time her Consultant had been a certifiable pain in her ass in trying times and it wouldn't be the last.

To be honest, she'd maintained a state of denial as long as she could even if she hadn't realized that was what she was doing. Well, maybe she had. Maybe she'd figured as long as she kept that blind eye turned, there was one less issue to handle and she was fine with that for the time being. Unfortunately, that whole "time being" thing got out of hand and she'd waited a whole lot longer than she should have to deal with the problem at hand.

Turning her attention back to the shirt, Lisbon evaluated it carefully. Made of a stretchy microfiber with a slightly longer, fuller cut than she usually wore, the dark red shirt was less body skimming and more forgiving of subtle changes that were better left unseen. Teamed with her black pants and blazer, she'd look as crisp, trim, and professional as she always did when that next "Breaking News" moment with Bertram suddenly popped up out of nowhere.

Like that wasn't going to happen any time soon.

She'd already been on T.V. twice this week.

Their latest case was a publicity nightmare. One of the worst, if not the worst, of her storied career. If that wasn't enough, it was dragging on much longer than it should be considering the perps were truly dangerous to the public at large. At this stage, all anyone really cared about was keeping the masses from panicking for as long as possible. With every random rape-murder occurring without rhyme or rhythm across the city, keeping the peace was getting harder and harder to do. To that end, On-Camera appearances with her Boss were becoming far more frequent than she liked. It didn't help she was clueless whether he was friend or foe. In fact, from where she sat, Gale was RJ's Tool at best or the Killer himself at worst. Or, he could be just an innocent man swept up in a mess beyond his control.

She didn't really know.

What she did know was she wasn't comfortable being that close to the Big Guy this often. The man had eagle eyes and he missed little going on around him. If Jane didn't notice her thickening waistline in a timely manner, Bertram would. Groaning her frustration, Lisbon resisted the urge to cover her head and never come out. The last thing she needed was her Boss asking if there was "something he needed to know" in that condescending manner he'd mastered so well.

Abandoning that unsettling train of thought, Lisbon turned her attention to studying her body instead. She was in the midst of figuring out what still worked in her closet and would continue to work for a little while longer. Nothing would bust her faster than suddenly buying a whole new wardrobe. Not that she wouldn't have to do that eventually; but, right now she needed to stick to the familiar until there wasn't another choice. She could get away with a new shirt or two; but, she needed to figure out what worked best and stick to her old habits. Buy two or three colors to mix and match with her old stuff as she usually did.

Running her hand over her belly Lisbon decided she was living on borrowed time. She didn't have much longer before all the scheming in the world wouldn't hide her secret any more. There wouldn't be enough loose, dark shirts in Sacramento to disguise her load was getting broader and rounder in a way having nothing to do with too much food and too little exercise.

Reminding herself there was no use crying over spilled milk, Lisbon hung the tee shirt back in her closet and pulled her tank over her head. As much as she wished things were otherwise, what was done was done and she couldn't go back. She knew the rules. When you played you payed and she'd definitely played with Jane. Without a safety net. For some strange reason, in spite of that, she'd never expected the cost to be quite so tangible. Not with them; but, she should have.

It seemed the Universe, or Red John, was always out to get them.

If she'd been thinking clearer, she wouldn't have done what she did the way she'd done it. Without any thought to consequences. She doubted she'd have come on to Jane in the first place. She knew she wouldn't have. Not that she'd known that was what she was doing at the time she'd done it. Well, started it anyway. She'd damned well known what they were doing long before they'd finished and every time afterwards. She just hadn't cared. Jane clearly hadn't either and he'd known they weren't protected. Not that he had any reason to think they were. Not when he went through her personal spaces including her medicine cabinet on a fairly regular basis. Added to that, he knew she wasn't seeing anyone and she hadn't been for a very long time.

All that aside, her body wasn't Jane's responsibility as much as she wanted to make it otherwise.

Besides, being honest, neither of them was thinking all that clearly at the time they'd come together. While neither of them had been drunk or taking any mind altering drugs, they were both still terribly shaken considering what had happened and what could have been.

They weren't ready to make the kind of decisions they'd made that night.

And they certainly shouldn't have indulged their fantasies.

Snorting, Lisbon decided playing the blame game wouldn't get her anywhere. Nowhere constructive anyway. There was no denying she'd blindly sought to escape the clutches of that horrific nightmare without any thought to consequences. She'd wanted to reassure herself Jane was alive and well, not bleeding out Partridge style, and reassure herself she had. Jane had done his part in the reassuring as well. He'd easily convinced her he was perfectly fine several times over and she'd let him. He'd been perfectly fine alright.

She had the proof growing in her womb to prove it.

She just wasn't telling him for a few more weeks.

Not a second before she had to.

She had a feeling the news wouldn't go over well when she did.

Jane was hot on the trail of Red John, and by his own estimation, getting closer than he'd ever been. He was sensing blood in the water and going his own way more and more in ways she didn't like. He was also realizing things were bigger and badder than they thought they were; but, he wasn't sharing his newest discoveries. Not yet. As much as she wished things were different, the more dangerous the atmosphere became, the more Jane was pulling away from all of them.

Her in particular.

While she understood his reasoning, now wasn't the time to be doing it.

Shaking her head, Lisbon knew none of this boded well for her or her news.

Jane so wasn't taking this well. For a whole lot of reasons. She didn't have to have any of those hinky feelings deep inside to know her premonitions were true. Forget the spooky stuff. It wasn't anything paranormal. Just good old common sense.

Jane was going to lose it.

Not in a good way.

Not that she really blamed him.

The timing couldn't be worse.

She was fast leaning towards not telling him. Just letting her secret reveal itself. That sounded like a workable plan. Take the coward's way out and keep everyone safe as long as she could. Maybe he'd jump to the right conclusion. Maybe he wouldn't.

Maybe he'd think she'd moved on without him.

Right. Like that would ever happen. Jane wasn't stupid. He'd add two and two and get four as he always did. She was so busted. There wasn't any way to make the situation better. The only decision she had to make was whether or not tell him.

It wasn't like Jane wouldn't see the truth soon enough.

#

Pacing restlessly from room to room, Lisbon continued second guessing herself. Maybe she shouldn't have reneged on her plan and called Jane. Maybe she should have just let him realize things on his own. Maybe he should have figured it out by now since the bun was nearly half-way done. Maybe she was expecting too much. No one else had a clue. Apparently there was something to that whole carrying low and to the back thing she'd been reading about. But, unlike most of the co-workers she saw in passing on a regular basis, she and Jane had gotten a whole lot more up close and personal. Besides, he'd done this before. Surely he hadn't been this clueless the first time around?

He couldn't have been…not Jane.

That meant he should notice what little there was to see shouldn't he?

Perhaps not since he wasn't expecting it.

All in all, Lisbon wasn't sure it was fortunate she was following in her mother's footsteps. She hadn't really shown either. Not until she was entering her third trimester. If memory served her right, her Mom had begun gradually rounding out into her sixth and seventh months. Once it started, she'd done it fast. She was definitely living on borrowed time.

Maybe in her case the delay was a good thing.

She was continuing to work as though nothing had changed. For the most part, it hadn't. Yeah, she was being more careful in the field; but, she'd been more careful since that whole tasing incidence. No more running into dark alleys or thinking she could take on the bad guy by herself as she'd done in the past. There was just something about a RJ Encounter that brought one's mortality home. Fortunately, her team didn't seem to find anything strange about that. She'd changed her eating habits some; but, since they'd never been all that bad to start with nothing screamed "Baby on Board." It didn't hurt Tommy had given her one of those personal coffee makers for her birthday so no one found it strange she no longer made frequent trips to the break room or noticed her little cups were mostly decaffeinated.

Pacing across the room, Lisbon pulled the blind to peep through the curtain. If she didn't miss her guess, Jane should be pulling into the parking lot any time now. Speak of the devil, he was already walking briskly in the direction of her front door. Walking over to the mirror, Lisbon took one last look at her reflection not knowing exactly what she was looking for.

All in all, she looked the same as she always did.

#

Pulling into a parking space in Lisbon's complex, Jane killed the engine before leaning back in his seat and closing his eyes. Their lives had clicked back into place after their weekend debacle far easier than he'd expected. Lisbon had simply breezed in the following Monday like nothing ever happened and he'd played along. So what if she'd shown a little strain around the eyes and he'd had that slight tick in his jaw he knew was there but no-one ever saw? They'd pushed through that first day and every day after without giving themselves away. Considering he hadn't been sure they could pull it off, he'd been pleased with both of them.

Now, after all these months, something felt off.

That Lisbon had called him on the team's long weekend didn't sit right. There was nothing pressing they needed to talk about. They didn't have a new case. He knew that for a fact. They'd just wrapped up that very difficult rape-murder case that had taken much too long to solve. They'd finally gotten a break when two victims managed to survive long enough to give two highly varying descriptions of their assailants right down to ethnicity. It hadn't taken a giant leap to realize they were dealing with several perps each operating in a different part of the city on different nights using the same M.O. The attacks had been well coordinated and well thought out. For the most part, with the exception of leaving two barely living bodies they'd thought dead behind, their execution had been flawless leaving little of forensic value behind. They probably wouldn't have been caught without the revelations of the two victims who had later died. Jane couldn't help thinking that was probably a blessing in disguise considering the viciousness of the attacks. Given the overall unpleasantness of the case, the higher ups had given everyone a couple of days of well-earned down time to clear their minds and recharge their batteries they were all grateful to get.

He knew Rigsby and Van Pelt were mostly likely using their time to get reacquainted in ways they probably hadn't in a very long time. Cho was catching up on his reading and, if he didn't miss his guess, pursuing a new gal pal who was quite the looker. Lisbon was doing whatever Lisbon did when she wasn't aggravating him. He hadn't asked and she hadn't told him her plans when they'd parted ways at the office last night.

He was using his freedom to fleece a few of his old buddies across a Poker Table.

Well, he'd just finished fleecing them if he was perfectly honest. No thanks to Lisbon or her ill-timed call. It wasn't the first time it happened and it wouldn't be the last so he might as well get over it. All that mattered was he'd won a tidy sum in the end and he didn't feel guilty about it. The guys all knew what they were getting into. It wasn't like they didn't all cheat.

He just happened to cheat better.

Remembering past events, he briefly pondered if their meeting was more personal than professional before dismissing the thought as he pressed the doorbell. They'd only been "personal" the one night before firmly snapping long standing barriers back into place. While they'd both have preferred things were different, getting intimately involved was a tragedy waiting to happen. One taste of the forbidden was as far as it went.

Anything more was just asking for it.

Hearing the doorbell ring, Lisbon rose to her feet. Making her way to the door, she opened it and motioned Jane inside. She knew he wasn't happy she'd interrupted his Poker game; but, there was no point in putting off their talk any longer. She'd delayed as long as she dared. Someone was bound to start asking pointed questions much sooner than she'd like. With her luck, that someone would be Jane so it was far better to head him off at the pass than handle damage control down the line.

It wasn't like she had a choice anyways.

The slight thickening of her waist was already beginning to look more like what it was than normal weight gain to her uninitiated eyes.

"Earth to Lisbon." Jane said quietly directing her attention back to him. "What was so important it was necessary to interrupt my poker game?" It had to be significant or Lisbon would never have bothered him. "I know we don't have a new case."

"No, we don't." Lisbon agreed. "But, we do have a problem."

"What kind of problem?" Something big by that ominous tick in her jaw he was desperately trying to ignore. "Surely nothing that couldn't have waited until tomorrow."

Or until the game was over.

He'd had serious chips riding on that hand. Try fifty g's he'd had no intention of losing. So much for friendly little back room poker games and toying with his marks. He'd had to bring things to a head much quicker than planned. Fortunately, he'd done just that and pocketed the dough before he was done. No thanks to Lisbon and her impeccable timing. That call could have cost him everything.

But, it hadn't.

Now, he just needed to find out what had her eyebrow twitching and get back to his game before his seat got cold. The boys would be raring at the bit for a rematch and he was happy to give it to them. With any luck, the game would go as it usually did and he'd take them for double or triple the amount he'd already won.

Contacts from his old life, Jane hesitated to use the word "friends," the "boys" had more money than sense.

Turning his attention back to Lisbon, Jane shoved his hands in his pockets and gave her that look signaling he was waiting to hear whatever she had to say. She just needed to be quick about it. Steeling her shoulders, Lisbon gave him the corresponding look saying he was so asking for it. She was doing what she needed to do and she wouldn't be rushed. It was a dance they'd done a thousand times before. One where he'd done something whacked and she'd cleaned up his mess before giving him a much needed dressing down.

While this dance might be similar, Lisbon knew the ending wouldn't be nearly the same.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: Thank you for the reviews and reading this story. Your interest encourages me to get back into writing so I thank you for it. ~Calla

#

Forget the dance.

She was more than mildly put out with Jane and his selfish antics.

While he might have a Poker game waiting for him; she was taking the biggest chance she'd ever taken.

Spinning that imaginary Roulette Wheel might become a matter of life and death.

So, she needed to word it just right.

Or, maybe given the way Jane was acting, it might be better to just yank the band aid off the wound hair, scab, and all.

"No, it couldn't." Lisbon stated firmly before giving Jane an off the cuff dose of reality. "I'm pregnant…Pushing five months in a couple of weeks…."

Feeling his world crash around his ears, Jane schooled his features into a mask of bored disinterest when he was anything but. Floored was more like it. Floored and in disbelief Lisbon could keep something like this to herself this long. Hell, it was miracle of good core conditioning and genetics she'd been able to keep her secret all these weeks in the first place. Oh, and that last part wasn't necessary.

If the woman was pregnant, and he didn't doubt she was, he damned well knew who the father was.

Considering their work load of the last few months, about the only opportunity Lisbon had to get knocked up was that night eighteen weeks, three days, and however many hours ago when he'd unwittingly done just that. Cursing silently in his head, Jane resisted the urge to let loose a blue streak knowing that wouldn't help anything.

He should count his blessings Lisbon was one of those women who wouldn't be noticeably pregnant for a while longer. It didn't matter he could see it now he knew what he was looking at. Other people wouldn't. Yeah, she'd gained a handful of pounds in all the right places; but, she did that every now and then. What woman didn't? She always lost the extra weight about the time she realized her pants were getting tight. Fortunately, none of the poundage had settled in a way that screamed baby pooch to his experienced eyes even in a fairly tight shirt.

Not yet.

She must be carrying low and towards the back…Not at all like Angela…She'd rounded right out there those first few weeks…Not that either of them had minded one bit at the time…But, just because he and Lisbon had gotten a sliver of grace didn't mean this wasn't a nightmare he hadn't seen coming.

But, he should have.

He wasn't the one who'd been half out of his mind with fear. Lisbon was. While she might have had a legitimate excuse for her actions, he didn't. Not a single one. All of his faculties had been fully functional. He'd been perfectly capable of putting the skids on their encounter or making sure they were adequately protected if he didn't.

He'd done neither.

Merely enjoyed their carnal forays into the forbidden with a carelessness he'd never displayed before. Not that he'd had all that many opportunities to be careless. He'd been married most of his young adult life and otherwise preoccupied after. He and Angela had had a surprisingly orderly existence. They'd had to considering his profession of choice. Nothing caused a well-planned con to go awry faster than unanticipated events.

He'd learned that one the hard way and spent a couple of nights in the slammer for his trouble.

So, to keep all of the variables manageable, Charlotte Anne's conception had been carefully planned and her arrival eagerly expected at the appointed time give or take a few days as it should have been. As for Lorelei, there'd been no way he'd risk impregnating that batty tool. While he might have been sympathetic and empathetic to her plight, he wasn't a fool. Lisbon was different. She made him feel things he hadn't felt since Angela. Were their circumstances different, he might believe he'd deliberately let this happen.

Made sure it happened in fact.

But, they weren't and he hadn't.

He'd just had a stupid moment and gone with the flow when he shouldn't have. Admittedly enjoyed every last second of the time he'd spent in Lisbon's bed. While a tiny part of him wanted to embrace the fantasy they were just another happy couple awaiting their bundle of joy; the truly sane part of him realized he couldn't do any such thing. This was the worst possible thing that could happen to them. The odds of Lisbon surviving long enough to bear that child was zip if the truth got out.

She'd be dead before she hit the ground, his child with her.

The monster hiding under their bed had proven three steps ahead of them too many times to take such a risk. Besides, people they'd crossed paths with professionally were starting to die under questionable circumstances at a rate that wasn't natural. While he wasn't yet sure what was afoot, he knew Red John was involved. He had to be. Exactly how, he honestly didn't know. He did know the man's demonic stench had permeated every part of his life since that fateful night so long ago.

This wasn't any different.

As much as he knew the woman watching him so intently through lovely green eyes wanted him to step up and take responsibility for his actions, he couldn't. It wasn't possible. Not now and not any time soon. Maybe never. While he would accept he was ultimately at fault for their current predicament, he wasn't claiming responsibility for two unnecessary deaths.

That wasn't happening ever again.

He'd never live through it.

Compounding the situation, he was being smacked upside the head with the rude realization he didn't want a child…Any child…This Achild in particular.

As alien as it should be, he didn't feel that familiar paternal stirring in his soul.

The one he'd immediately felt with Charlotte Anne.

In fact, he didn't feel anything. Not really. Nothing of the kind Lisbon hoped he would feel. All that penetrated the numbness inside him was the desire to distance himself from the situation as quickly as possible.

To preserve his mission and, more importantly, his sanity any way he could.

Turning to Lisbon, Jane cocked his head and swallowed before forcing the words past his lips that would save her, and possibly him, while damning their relationship.

"What do you want me to do about it?" Feeling the bile rise in his throat, Jane turned harsh eyes to his one-night lover. "Don't answer that. It's your body. Do as you please."

The look crossing Lisbon's face in that moment had to be closely akin to the one she'd worn when O'Laughlin put that bullet through her.

She probably wanted him dead as well.

"It's my body?" Lisbon repeated. "Do as I please?"

"That's what I said." Refusing to acknowledge the bristling woman standing across from him, Jane turned his attention to an imaginary speck of dust under his fingernails. "Although it's clear by how long you've delayed telling me, you're keeping it…." That she'd be doing it alone was a given. "You need to keep the father's identity to yourself. It wouldn't go well for either of us if the truth got out for a lot of different reasons."

Jane was amazed at how easily the words exited his lips. At how right they felt. While he might feel nothing for the child, he had deep feelings towards the woman he was hurting so badly. Feelings that gave him the impetus to do what had to be done. Seeing the look on Lisbon's face, he was surprised she hadn't punched his lights out.

She still might.

Unfortunately, she looked more like he'd punched her instead.

He didn't blame her.

He was mildly surprised at the words he was hearing.

While Lisbon had to know he wouldn't take this pregnancy well, he seriously doubted she'd expected him to react exactly as he had. Truthfully, she should have. He couldn't afford to react any other way. It wasn't in either of their best interests. They both knew that and just because Lisbon was doing as she should and going through with the pregnancy didn't mean he had to accept his place by her side.

Had to consign her to a possible death sentence.

He didn't and he wouldn't.

He wasn't doing that again.

As distasteful as it was to admit, refusing to accept responsibility wasn't as hard as it should have been. He didn't feel like the cad he knew he was being. Not in any way. As far as he was concerned, he was only doing what was right and honest. Not what was expected of him. He didn't want to be a father right now and he didn't want this child. He couldn't. Not under their present circumstances.

End of story.

He couldn't afford to think about "what if's" or how he would feel were things different.

He could only accept that they weren't and play the hand he'd been dealt.

The one that said, no, he didn't want a child.

Especially not the one they'd accidentally made between them.

Not when its existence could mean certain death to the woman carrying it.

"You really don't care do you?" Lisbon's heart broke at the harsh, unwavering expression on his face. "I don't believe this. I've seen you be an ass over the years; but, this takes the cake."

She was taking his rejection far better than he'd expected.

"Why not?" Jane forced the words past his lips. "I didn't ask you to seduce me and I certainly didn't ask for a child I don't want."

He couldn't get any blunter than that.

Glancing at a spot over her shoulder, Jane hoped she couldn't see how hard he was fighting to keep his composure. Being a complete bastard was harder than it seemed when it came to Lisbon. Even when he was doing what he wanted to do.

"I don't remember you fighting that hard to get away." Lisbon said quietly. "As I recall, you were pretty damned eager to continue what I started."

"I won't deny any of that." Jane agreed. "I wanted you. I still do. But, I don't want this."

He motioned towards her belly.

"Then I'd say there isn't any reason for you to stay." Lisbon nodded in the direction of the door. "I've done my part and you've done yours."

The part he was willing to do.

"I suppose we have." Jane agreed. "I'll see you at the office on Monday."

"I'll be there." Lisbon nodded. "It's not like we can suddenly stop working together without causing all manner of problems we don't want or need."

The first being everyone jumping to the obvious conclusion including Red John which would open a can of particularly nasty worms neither of them were prepared to handle.

Deciding he had nothing left to say, Jane glanced at Lisbon one final time before silently walking out the door.

Watching him leave, Lisbon felt numbness wash over her. While bursting into tears felt like what she should do, she didn't have a single tear left. She'd done all the crying she was willing to do the first few days she'd known she was pregnant. She'd eventually forced herself to snap out of it and move on. She could hardly sit around feeling sorry for herself. She had things to do.

Besides, it wasn't a surprise Jane hadn't taken any of this well.

She hadn't expected him to. She also hadn't expected him to outright reject her and their child so brutally either. Or to discover he was an even bigger S.O.B. than she'd known he was. But, maybe she should have. Jane had proven time and again, when push came to shove, Jane was only out for Jane. Maybe she shouldn't have hoped he'd changed. But she had. How stupid could she get?

Apparently pretty stupid.

But she wasn't stupid enough to deny what was right in front of her eyes. As much as she'd hoped and prayed things would be otherwise, she'd seen the truth on Jane's face. He wasn't playing any kind of misguided game trying to keep her safe like she thought he would. Not Patrick Jane. He was playing hard ball instead. He wasn't disappointing her there. While she'd expected him to say something similar to what he'd said; she hadn't expected the truth she saw staring back at her through those beautiful eyes.

To realize he meant every word he said.

He _didn't_ want their child.

Now that had truly knocked the breath out of her.


	7. Thank You

Thank you for the reviews, opinions, and input. Thank you for letting me write this story as it wants to be written. This isn't what I usually write; but, this story wants to be written so I'm stepping out of my comfort zone and going for it as realistically as I can.

I honestly believe, had Lisbon gotten pregnant at this point in their lives where Red John was getting more active and The Blake Association was manifesting, that Jane would have reacted similarly. Whether his motivations are pure or not – he's human so I don't think they would be. Not entirely. I think he would be pulled in so many different directions emotionally that even he wouldn't necessarily know his true motivations.

To keep Lisbon and the child safe, yes. To insulate himself from what could possibly happen in spite of his efforts, yes. To catch Red John, yes. – Jane's possible motivations go on and on.

That last chapter was as hard for me to write as it was for most of you to read. It's been written since the beginning – I'm about 25,000 words into this story jumping around – but, I still had to go over it for several days to get it just right.

All I can say is stay with me. Things will get worse before they get better as real life often does; but, it's worth the journey. There will be predictability as there always is. There will also be moments you won't see coming. All that matters in the end is the story was worth the reading.

As always, I'll strive to make sure you haven't wasted your time or emotions. 

You're all greatly appreciated. ~Calla


	8. Chapter 7

Gazing at her reflection in her bathroom mirror, Lisbon decided she didn't look too bad considering she'd just lived through the single worst moment of her life. Changing into her favorite pajamas, she cleaned the make up from her face and pulled her hair back in a sloppy ponytail. Deciding to brush her teeth later, she made her way downstairs to the kitchen to scoop out a big bowl of plain vanilla bean ice cream. While she'd rather have something more decadent, she doubted it would be wise to try such a thing right now. Grabbing her box of graham crackers she walked into the den to wallow out a comfortable spot on the couch.

Plopping a spoon of ice cream on her cracker and taking a bite, Lisbon allowed her thoughts to wander over the past hour or so. Dissecting their awkward conversation, Lisbon didn't see any way it could have been handled better. She'd done what she had to do to get Jane's attention when he'd been determined to make everything as difficult as possible for her. While she'd known he wouldn't be happy with her announcement, she'd gotten far more than she'd bargained for. She'd expected more of the same old crap where he reminded her they couldn't be together, couldn't acknowledge they'd made a child together, couldn't have a life, or live happily ever after….

All the b.s. she'd been railing against in her head for weeks.

What she hadn't expected was the coldness in his eyes or the hateful words passing his lips. She never expected to realize deep in her soul he meant everything he said. He truly didn't want to be a father. Didn't want the part of him hidden so deeply within her. Given the glimmers of painful, paternal feelings she'd seen in the past, she'd expected her announcement to rip him apart in ways she would never understand.

Just not in the way it clearly had.

The man standing in her home wasn't the Jane she knew.

He was an aberration.

The Jane she knew would have been shocked and angered that they'd been so foolish. He'd have reminded her they couldn't be together and listed the reasons why. But, he wouldn't have rejected her. He wouldn't have turned his back on their child. He wouldn't have made her feel like loving him was wrong. Where had that come from? Nowhere she wanted to contemplate. Maybe he wouldn't have told her they could be together. But, he wouldn't have looked her in the eyes and told her it was her body to do as she pleased.

What would he have said had she told him a few months earlier?

If she'd shared her fears in the early days?

She so wasn't going there. If he'd uttered what she thought he might have, she wouldn't be responsible for her actions. She'd have hurt him and hurt him bad. There'd have been no way she could have worked with the man ever again. All hell would have broken loose right then. The truth would have been out there whether they wanted it or not.

Just the fact they weren't working together would have sent a ripple through the CBI. Everyone would have known whatever the breech between them, it was big. When she suddenly turned up pregnant, they'd have been outed in spite of their best efforts to hide the truth. If that had happened, all bets were off.

Lisbon shuddered at the thought she'd be so dead by now.

Literally.

Placing her hand on her belly, she wondered when she'd visually know she was pregnant. She was past ready to see something more than normal weight gain. She knew she was pregnant in other ways. How could she not? She just wasn't seeing the manifestation and, as crazy as it sounded to her, she wanted her baby belly.

She wanted to share it with Jane.

Sniffling to herself and refusing to cry, Lisbon rubbed her belly marveling it was still mostly flat.

"What are you?" She asked aloud as though whatever was nestled in there would actually answer her. "You really are your Daddy's kid." Lisbon wasn't sure how she felt about what she'd just said considering how Jane felt. "How do you expect me to finish the nursery if you won't cooperate? If you keep hiding the important parts?"

Laughing in a way that sounded mildly crazed to her ears, Lisbon ignored the silent tears coursing down her cheeks. This wasn't something she wanted to do alone. Jane should be here rubbing her tummy and telling the little one to get in line. Show his bits. Set Mommy free to get that whole nursery show on the road as she wanted to.

As things stood, she hadn't done much of anything since Unisex just wouldn't cut it. She wanted that whole distinctive girl or boy thing she'd never known she wanted. She wanted her kid to know she'd planned for him or her and not just for her baby.

Closing her eyes and wiping her cheeks, Lisbon admitted she was hoping and praying for a boy. One that looked just like Jane right down to the flashing green eyes and unruly curls. One that was every bit the mischief maker. One that had all the good points of the man she'd thought she knew and even a few of the bad.

A little boy to change his Daddy's mind and bring him back to them.

What she didn't want was what she feared she'd get most.

That beautiful baby girl who'd put the final nail in Jane's emotional coffin.

#

Walking into the Liquor Store, Jane grabbed the biggest bottle of Bourbon he could find. No, he wasn't going on a drunk as much as he'd like to. That wouldn't get him anywhere. He was, however, going back to that Poker Game and he needed a worthwhile offering. Considering what had just gone down, he needed something to take his mind off the mess he hadn't seen coming as well. He should also probably make as much money as he could while the getting was good.

Raising a child was an expensive proposition.

Somewhere down the road Lisbon would need a helping hand. Whether she knew it or not. While he had no intentions of being actively involved in his child's life, he wasn't a totally heartless bastard. He fully intended taking financial responsibility for his mistake when the time was right and Lisbon would accept his money.

As much as he hated the situation, he had to do something.

He couldn't have Lisbon thinking he was as much of a monster as Red John.

He wasn't.

He'd just finally reached his physical, spiritual, and emotional limits.

There wasn't anything left and he wasn't about to start playing more intricate games with a Serial Killer.

Not with Lisbon's life on the line.

Forget the baby.

He'd survive losing that.

Lisbon was a different story.

Shaking his head, Jane paid for his purchase and exited the store.

Putting a firm lock on his thoughts, it was time to move on.

He had a game to play and old friends to fleece.

This chapter was closed and he wasn't reopening it.

No matter what Lisbon tried.

#

A/N: I honestly don't know where this story is coming from. It's flowing easily; but, it's still hard to write. Forgive the short connective chapter. There just wasn't anything left to say.~Calla


	9. Chapter 8

Entering the privately owned building paper bag in hand, Jane took the elevator to the top floor. He was pushing his luck playing again so soon. But, the last game was a penny ante match up against friends compared to the take-no-prisoners blood bath he was currently joining. Besides, it wasn't every day he got an invite to one of these shindigs and it wasn't every time he accepted when he did. If he turned this one down, it would be a while before he got another. He couldn't afford to do that.

Not when he needed the money.

Walking down the well-appointed hall, he analyzed how much he could safely drink without compromising his analytical abilities. He should be all right with a double if he sipped it slow and easy. Maybe added a bottle of water. Since that was his usual M.O., he'd be okay. Whether he was or he wasn't, he was doing it. He needed to take the edge of off of what he'd just been through. He couldn't afford to be distracted by his thoughts.

Not with this crew of tricky hyenas.

They were a bunch of bottom feeders. The lot of them. He didn't care if his opponents were a self-made billionaire, a Senator, a couple of high powered attorneys specializing in corporate "mergers" otherwise known as hostile take-overs who also happened to be identical twins, and a world famous author, they all cheated. Computer Man liked to pull the slight-of-hand, the good Senator was more of a pulling the card from the bottom of the deck kind of fellow, Ho-Hum and Ho-Hee were card counters, and he hadn't quite figured out Mystery Boy's trick of the trade; but, he would.

Give him time.

They'd only played together in one other game.

All that really mattered in the end was recognizing he was playing with a bunch of lying, cheating, carrion eaters who found him one of their favorite delicacies. Being the small fry among them not having an infinite income stream, Jane chose his games wisely. The buy-in was huge; but, the pay-out was worth it.

Giving the secret knock, Jane smirked when the writer opened the door.

"Mystery Boy, I just finished your latest book." Jane grabbed a glass and poured a healthy double dose of his poison of choice. "While entertaining, you got your killer's motivation all wrong. Study some real case files next time. I'll see what I can do about stealing you some. It'll make your story even better."

Ignoring the flash of irritation in the writer's eyes at his off-hand remark, Jane knew he'd just scored one for the home team. While he'd meant to knock the man off kilter and up the chances his least understood opponent would make careless mistakes, his remarks weren't without merit. Joey was a gifted story-teller. He just didn't understand people as well as he thought. He'd loosely based his last bad guy on Tommy Volker and he'd done a fair job with it. Actually, it was good enough for the general public. His weeks at number one on the Best Seller's list attested to that. However, for someone who'd known Volker up close and personal, he'd short changed a rather brilliant criminal who'd been hard to stop.

Taking his seat, Jane took a sip of Bourbon and waited for everyone else to make their drinks and get down to business.

"Hey, Jane, you look like you just went through the meat grinder." Jane rolled his eyes at the Senator's graphic reference before remembering his great-grandfather was a butcher back in Ireland. "Something we need to know about?"

"Nope." Jane said. "I'm coming off an all-nighter with a bunch of hooligan carneys. For the record, I won."

"Yeah, well, I wouldn't be bragging about it." Ho-Hum cracked as he shuffled the deck. "Winning streaks have a habit of running out when you need them the most."

"You ought to know." Jane looked at his first card. "Your last two take-overs slipped through your fingers at the last possible second."

"Yeah, well, those were blessings in disguise." Ho-Hee smirked at him over his glasses well aware that everyone present knew the only reason those two corporations got away was because they let them. "Your advice was spot on. I'm not asking how you got your Intel. I will say thanks for passing it on."

"Keep the thanks." Jane looked over his cards at the brothers. "I'd rather have the two of you go easy on the rest of us with the card counting."

The brothers were notorious for tag-teaming the rest of the players using that silent communication some Identical Twins were famous for.

"Not going to happen." Ho-Hum burst his bubble as he dealt the next to the final card. "Now stop your babbling and play."

Studying his fellow players, was doing that triple swallow thing that meant his hand was a bust from the git-go, the Bobbsey Twins were still in the game, their esteemed Congressman had that slight smile that meant he was on the war path, and Joey was straddling the fence. Calculating the odds, Jane decided he'd reserve judgement until the last card since it looked like three, possibly four, of his opponents were still in play.

Taking a sip of Bourbon, Jane carefully added the final card to his hand. Subtly studying the familiar tells, he saw his opponents dropping like flies. From the look of things, he was up against the Senator and the writer. His attorney friends had quickly decided the newest evidence killed their odds of winning the case.

Smart call.

The Royal Flush in his hand said this game was done.

All he had to do was bide his time and spring it on them.

As trite as it sounded to say, he loved it when a plan came together easily.

#

Resting her hand on her belly, Lisbon glanced out her window deep in thought. It was fast approaching 9 a.m. and Jane still hadn't shown yet. She didn't even know where he'd spent last night. Not up in his Man Cave. She'd already checked. He needed to get his butt in gear and appear. Bertram was breathing down her neck.

They had a nasty new case not that dissimilar to one they'd just finished in terms of public interest.

As much as she wasn't necessarily ready to confront Jane or work with him closely one-on-one, she didn't have a choice. As they'd already mentioned, they couldn't suddenly stop working together without causing all manner of problems they didn't need. Especially not considering her confrontation with Jane hadn't been the high-point of her weekend. That had come this morning when her fat pants wouldn't fasten. Oh, yeah, she now had a super duper monster sized safety pin holding her slacks together. It went without saying, she was going shopping on her lunch hour. She ought to be able to find a couple of pairs of pants to mix with the handful of shirts she'd be able to wear a little while longer.

Eventually, she'd have to bite the bullet and buy that whole new wardrobe.

She'd also have to fess up since the cat would be out of the bag when she showed up at work in maternity clothes.

Damn Jane and his irresponsibility. He shouldn't have taken her up on her offer. Who was she fooling?

Since it took two to Tango, she shouldn't have offered in the first place.

Snatching her cup from beside her coffee maker, Lisbon beat a path out of her office. Maybe if she stopped watching for Jane's car to drive into the parking lot, he'd pop up like a bad penny. In the meantime, she wanted a cup of coffee and whatever pastry was in that big white box in the break room. MacTavis's secretary had gotten really good about bringing a variety of pastries from the Bakery down the street in every day. It might have something to do with the fact she was dating the new owner.

It might also have something to do with the fact that new owner's ploy was working. The cute kid wasn't as green as he seemed. His free advertising had gotten him a steady stream of customers from the CBI that had earned him far more than his treats were costing. Not to mention, when the freebies dried up, the Petty Cash they kept on hand would continue what he'd started.

There was no denying, Kevin baked the best pastries on this side of town.

Entering the break room, Lisbon poured a cup of coffee from the freshly brewed pot on the burner. Adding sugar, she felt the familiar frisson running down her spine. The one having nothing to do with anticipating diving into that one _real_ cup of coffee she was allowed per day. Nope, nothing so pleasant. It was the tingle meaning Jane was nearby instead. Turning towards the doorway, she wasn't all that surprised to see him standing behind her, empty cup in hand. While neat and clean, he looked kind of rough around the edges. Like he hadn't gotten anywhere near enough sleep.

That must have been some Poker game.

Forget the rest of it.

Watching Lisbon grab one of the iced lemon scones from the box and savor her first bite, Jane was seized with two realizations. One, she'd made no secret her sweet tooth was escalating. Her growing preference for sweets had played out right in front of his eyes the last few weeks and he hadn't noticed. Two, there was a reason she'd suddenly taken to using that single cup coffee maker displayed so prominently in her office and it wasn't because Tommy and Annie had given it to her. He'd noted all the neat little cups discarded in her trash can when he'd been snooping where he shouldn't. He'd even noted something was different; but, hadn't registered what. Now he had.

Most of them were decaffeinated.

Chastising himself for his stupidity, Jane silently acknowledged Cops weren't the only idiots who weren't quite as smart as they thought they were. Every now and then he joined the Club. He certainly had when it came to this latest debacle. If he'd been paying more attention to the signs around him, he'd have realized Lisbon was pregnant long before now. Maybe early enough to do something about it. Who was he kidding? Even if he didn't want this child, he wouldn't have suggested _that_ and she wouldn't have taken him up on his offer.

More likely shot him for his trouble.

He'd chosen self-preservation and remained oblivious instead.

Turning his thoughts back to the woman staring at him, Jane decided it was past time to break the ice.

"Lisbon." He filled his cup with water and stuck it in the microwave.

"Jane." Lisbon was amazed at how natural they both looked and sounded.

"How was you break?" Jane continued dropping a tea bag into the heated liquid in his cup.

"Memorable." Lisbon smirked in a way that wasn't what it seemed to the casual onlooker. "Yours?"

Taking a sip of coffee, she watched Jane over the rim of her cup noting the subtle nuances betraying their meeting was as difficult for him as it was for her. Thank God for the Lorelei Incident. They'd never make it through this moment without it.

She'd never make it.

But, surprisingly, she was. Jane wasn't the only one who could turn his feelings off and on at will. Right, who was she fooling. She'd come to terms with the fact, somewhere along the way, she'd fallen more than a little in love with the creep and she'd finally accepted she still loved the creep in spite of his recent actions. However, she'd also decided she wasn't putting up with his crap. He could act like a jackass if he wanted; but, life rolled on.

The donor might not want his kid but she did.

In fact, she'd spent a large part of the weekend attacking the nursery. Deciding which pieces of furniture she wanted to go where and if she really even needed all the things she was tempted to buy. The answer was probably no if she was just looking at a baby's room. But, considering she was a single parent, she wanted to make one time purchases that would adapt as her child grew. That meant delving into a world she'd never even contemplated much less looked into. Who knew there was such a thing as "conversion kits?" It also meant she'd have to do some serious budgeting over the next few years to get the pieces she wanted.

Shaking her head at that thought, Lisbon was glad one positive thing had come from their encounter.

She'd finally taken action. She was too far into her pregnancy to be as clueless as she'd been. She just hadn't been able to get her mind around the reality there was a baby growing inside her enough to take the necessary action. She'd allowed herself to be paralyzed by the fact she didn't know what she was having thanks to her uncooperative Baby Lisbon. She so wasn't calling her little guy a Jane anymore. Not after the way his Daddy reacted. Yes, she was saying "he" and "his" until she was told differently.

To be honest, she didn't want to contemplate a "she" or "her" scenario one second before she had to. Not that she'd love a baby girl any less. She wouldn't. No way. Her baby was her baby no matter what she had and she'd adore it.

She was the sane, responsible one.

Jane was another matter.

"The same." Lisbon rinsed her cup in the sink fully intending to make a cup of decaf as soon as she got to her office. "How was your game?"

"How do you think?" Jane asked.

"I'd say you kicked butt and took no prisoners." Lisbon turned back around and looked him square in the eyes. "But, if you didn't, you had a good excuse."

Jane gave her a look that said something along the lines of, "Ye of little faith….".

"I didn't lose." Jane said quietly. "And I didn't cheat."

Not this time even though everyone else had. He hadn't needed to cheat. He'd had all the impetus he needed to play all weekend and pocket pretty darned close to three hundred grand. Maybe a little more. May be a lot more. He hadn't bothered looking at the deposit slip. He trusted Lisa. She'd set up that secret account for him years ago. The one Lisbon didn't know about that was in her name.

Now there was two of them.

"In fact, I doubt I'll be invited to play again any time soon." Jane grabbed a plain cranberry-orange scone that would go better with his tea than the icing drenched triangle Lisbon had chosen. "While my old friends have more money than sense, they'll wait a while before trying to win their money back. They don't mess with me when I'm on a winning streak."

What they didn't know was his streak wasn't likely to play out any time soon. He had to make as much as he could while the getting was good considering the rest of his ill-gotten gains were off limits. Those funds were stashed in multiple off shore accounts in case he needed them down the road. Somewhere along the line, he'd decided he didn't want to die or spend the rest of his life in a prison cell so he'd taken steps to ensure that didn't happen.

Something every smart con did if he truly understood the business.

He'd also ensured he'd live quite comfortably on the lam where ever he was and he wasn't sacrificing that security for anyone.

Least of all offspring he couldn't acknowledge.

"I'm sure they don't." Lisbon pushed off the counter she'd been leaning against. "You need to meet me and the rest of the team in the Conference Room in fifteen minutes. I'm going to round them up now. We landed a new case."

A nasty one from the look on her face.

"I'll be there."

Watching her leave, Jane decided Lisbon had two, maybe three, weeks before people started asking awkward questions she didn't want to answer. Unfortunately, she wouldn't have any choice but admitting the truth. She was fast approaching the end of the road. Her body had changed appreciably over the past couple of days. It would only change more in the coming days.

Carrying low or not, she was now in the beginnings of a very real rounding out. If he didn't already know she was pregnant, he'd know now. If he didn't miss his guess, he'd say Lisbon was holding her pants together with a safety pin. As good a job as her longer sweater did of hiding the evidence, he'd been a father before. He knew what pregnant looked like. A lot of their co-workers did as well.

From what he could see, the hourglass was fast running out.

It would be interesting to see how Lisbon handled everything when that happened.

Or if she handled it at all.

If she didn't, he'd step in and do what had to be done.

As he always did.

Making another cup of tea Jane decided, now that he had a fitting course of action, he might as well make his way to that meeting. He'd be a few minutes early; but, so what? A few wasted minutes was better than the alternative. Try never hearing the end of it if he was late. Not a pleasant fate in his opinion. He'd much rather be in place catnapping now than having his ear chewed later.

Besides, if he was lucky, he could sneak a peek at a file or two casually laying around and get a leg up on the case.

The less time he spent in Lisbon's company the better.

For both of them.


	10. Chapter 9

A/N: This story isn't going to be that long, in depth, or that intense. Probably in the 15 – 18 chapter range. ~Calla

#

Knocking on Lisbon's door, Jane opened the door without waiting for her to answer.

"You okay?" He asked shutting the door behind him.

"Why wouldn't I be?" Lisbon shot him a look asking why he was concerned anyway. "It's not like it's the first time we've found a bug in my office. It won't be the last."

"It's been a long time." Jane reminded her. "Long enough I don't think it's coincidence."

"You don't, huh?" Lisbon resisted the urge to roll her eyes.

Jane clearly didn't get it.

Her team was confident enough in her ability to have everything under control they were efficiently going about their business as they always did and leaving her alone. Jane should be doing the same. But, he clearly wasn't. Instead, he was overstepping his boundaries by even coming in here like this. Things between them had changed recently and he needed to accept that. Now he was just another member of her team. Actually, in a lot of ways he was less than the other members of her team. He'd lost any personal rights he had over her and her life three weeks ago when he'd rejected their child. He needed to realize that and do it soon or she'd make him.

Personally, she'd rather not go there.

She didn't want to see his face when she did to him what he'd done to her so recently. She wasn't stupid. She knew Jane had feelings for her. He had for a very long time. Exactly what kind she wasn't sure. But, the kind that ran deep enough he could divorce himself from the life they'd create while staying joined to her. Or he thought he could. That her feelings for him would mean she'd let him. Maybe that kind of duplicity worked for him.

It didn't for her…Not where her child was concerned.

Giving Jane a thorough once over, she decided he looked good considering everything they'd been through. He'd clearly gotten past the trauma of her news. Well, that or he'd stopped with the all night Poker Games and gotten some sleep for a change. Whatever the cause, he looked remarkably better than he had since he'd learned of her pregnancy.

That was good, she needed his full attention on the case they were working.

The one they'd gotten that first Monday after their return. Subconsciously resting her hand on her belly, Lisbon shied away from the case in her mind. This one was particularly hard under the circumstances. They had a child killer on the loose. Actually, they had a ring kidnapping girls and boys of various ages and taking them across state lines to some unknown destination to be used and abused until they were all used up before dumping their broken bodies like garbage near where they'd been taken in the first place. That was the only blessing in the nightmare.

The families got closure even if it was closure of the worst kind.

Beginning in Montana before hitting Washington State, it had taken the ring three years to reach Sacramento. Considering at least thirty children had lost their lives to these sexual predators, it was past time for them to be stopped and Lisbon was determined her team were the ones to do it. So, she needed Jane focused on the killings at hand.

Not on the sneaky snake Serial Killer dancing on the perimeter.

Glancing towards Jane, Lisbon decided she needed to reign it in a bit. They'd done a good job of keeping up appearances in the three weeks since she'd sprung her news on him. They had to or their world would come crashing around their ears. They couldn't afford to show any discord between. Give anyone any reason to start pondering things they shouldn't. Like the possibility Jane could be the father of her child. There had been talk about them for years; but, there'd never been any evidence to support the claims.

They had to keep it that way and they were.

Personal feelings aside, they were working well together. Again, they had to. Besides, they'd always worked well together in spite of the rough spots. Or they had since they'd finally clicked years ago. And, yes, Jane was still watching her back and she was letting him.

It was in his best interest to keep her safe.

However, none of that meant she wanted him sticking his nose in her business like he used to. Like they were really good friends. They weren't. Not anymore. Not like they used to be. For the most part, Jane was her work partner and the man who'd fathered her child. That was as deep as their relationship went.

He'd made his choice, now he needed to stick with the program.

"No, I don't." Jane agreed not really liking her tone.

"I don't either." Lisbon kept her voice light. "But, it wasn't unexpected either."

Studying Jane, she could see he wasn't expecting her to be so nonchalant about Red John bugging her office. Well, he could get over himself. She'd been expecting something just like this when her pregnancy got out. In fact, she wouldn't have been all that surprised if she'd gotten a congratulatory bouquet from the sicko. A little more shaken up than she was by the bug; but, not all that surprised.

"How can you say that?" Jane asked.

"How can you not?" The man was getting ridiculous. "Jane, my secret's out. It's not like I can hide this anymore." She rubbed the gentle curve of her belly. "You know Red John's going to be curious."

She hadn't been able to hide the truth but a couple of weeks after she'd told him. She'd first appeared in maternity clothes bright and early Monday morning. It hadn't taken the office five minutes after her arrival to start buzzing from top to bottom.

She'd had Bertram seated in her office within the hour.

Now, four days later, she'd found a bug curtesy of one of Red John's minions hidden on the underside of a lamp in her office. Thank goodness she swept her office when she arrived first thing in the morning and several times throughout the day. Every day and she had for years. It didn't matter she hadn't found anything the last few months.

She'd known a bug was going to magically appear at some point after her pregnancy became common knowledge.

That just made good sense.

She'd also known it wouldn't happen immediately as RJ would want to catch her off guard.

"So you're not concerned?" Jane asked.

"Not really." Lisbon tossed her empty juice bottle in her trash can. "It's not like I can do anything to stop them in the first place. It's not like there's really anything to tell in the second. There's only one way you can end up pregnant and alone when you're not with anyone. That's to randomly sleep with the wrong person unprotected and that what's I did."

As much as he wanted to argue with Lisbon's assessment, he couldn't. She had slept the wrong person. She'd slept with him.

But, they didn't want anyone to know that…least of all Red John.

Apparently that was what he was after. Finding out who'd fathered Lisbon's child. That and learning exactly where they were on his case. Well, he was out of luck. They never really discussed anything of importance in Lisbon's office. Nor were they likely to now. They'd known about his bugs for years.

"So you're okay with all of this?" Jane asked. "With having your privacy invaded?"

"I've had my privacy invaded for years." She gave him a pointed look. "You know that."

Yes, he did, and he felt slightly guilty for it.

Lisbon had always been there for him when he needed her.

Unfortunately, he wasn't repaying the favor.

"Then I guess I'm okay with it." Jane agreed.

"You might as well be." Lisbon gently reminded him. "This is my life; not yours."

She couldn't state her point any more clearly. Well, she could; but, she wouldn't. It wasn't necessary. Jane got what she was saying.

She could see it in his eyes.

Giving Lisbon the once over, Jane was impressed. She was proving stronger than he'd expected. Don't get him wrong. Lisbon was a tough cookie and quite resilient when she had to be. But, this was enough to break the strongest person and it wasn't breaking her. He hadn't even seen a crack. Not since the weekend she'd told him she was five months gone.

Whatever happened after he left, whatever promises she'd made herself, Lisbon was sticking to her guns.

She was also taking her pregnancy in stride. She hadn't spun any fantasy story about who the father was. Nor had anyone jumped to the conclusion it was him. Their co-workers seemed to accept the fact she'd had another Mashburnesque moment of weakness that had gone tragically awry. Whether Lisbon had told the father or not was hotly debated while the woman of the hour refused to dignify the tasteless gossip with an answer one way or the other.

Jane snorted contemptuously. Of course she'd told the father albeit much later than she should have. Only a fool would think otherwise. Overall, Lisbon seemed to be managing the situation well. She'd been surprisingly healthy throughout the early days and hadn't let her pregnancy affect her work except where her actions could endanger her child. That couldn't be held against her in any way. Nor could her continuing the way she'd started while she was in the field.

She'd be on desk duty soon enough as it was.

#

Pretending to sleep, Jane stared at Lisbon's back as she headed for the elevator. He didn't need to ask where she was going. He already knew. He'd picked the lock on her office and perused the calendar she kept hidden beneath the files in her bottom desk drawer quite a while ago. It hadn't taken long to slot the important dates away in his Memory Palace. The ones concerning their child anyway.

Those were the ones he cared about.

Today was a very important day. Or it ought to be. For both of them. One where he should be going with her. If this were a normal pregnancy and they were a normal couple. It wasn't and they weren't. He wasn't invited and he didn't want to go. But Van Pelt was. Going and providing the moral support he should be but wasn't. He didn't really care the redhead would know the sex of his child before he did. Again, he should; but didn't. Apparently, Lisbon's doctor had assured her they would find out what they wanted to know one way or another before the day was done. If that happened, the father would learn the same way everyone else did.

Through the grape vine.

Lisbon wasn't likely to tell him face to face given how things were between them.

Closing his eyes against the pain in his heart, Jane reminded himself why he couldn't give in to the feeble urgings beginning to stir somewhere deep inside. The ones he would never acknowledge. He couldn't and his reasons were simple enough. If Red John thought for a minute he was banging his Superior, Lisbon was as good as dead. If he ever figured out the truth; she'd die a horrible death. Just being together the way they had been was unforgivable without all the rest.

He needed to forget the grainy sonogram he'd stolen from Lisbon's private stash when he'd broken into her office while she was out pursuing a case.

It didn't show any of the pertinent parts so she wasn't holding out on him.

It did make their child…her child…more real if her rapidly expanding stomach wasn't "real" enough.

He also needed to forget the fact she'd kill him if she ever figured out what he'd done.

Cursing silently under his breath, Jane forced his breathing to even out as he reigned in his thoughts. Dwelling on might-have-beens wasn't getting him anywhere. He needed to stay firmly rooted in the what could never bes.


	11. Chapter 10

A/N: There will be a two chapter posting today. One short and one long ~ Why? Mainly to delineate a short passage of time to account for Lisbon's not-so-sudden moment of insanity.

I'm still seeing this story ending at around 16 – 18 chapters, 20 max. We still have that precipitous peak to crest and the bumpy downward slide to work through to get to that heavily tarnished finale we all crave. Just because I've lost my mind by writing Jane in a way I never saw coming doesn't mean I choose to write something that would break my heart. There won't be a tragic ending. I can't handle those. Just let the pain play out and know the hard won journey will make redemption a prize worth treasuring to the end of time.

Please also remember, we're all human- even our beloved Jane - perhaps a little more _human_ than most of us.

Maybe a little too real to some of us as well. (I'm talking about myself; but, you're welcome to join the club!) ~Calla

#

Staring at the unbelievable pictures in her hand, Lisbon chewed her bottom lip as she contemplated precisely how she wanted to go about doing what came next. Did she want to spring it on Jane without preamble? Or did she want to soften the blow? Honestly, she was undecided. She'd figure it out between here and there. Right now, she was going to be grateful everyone was cooperating and everything had gone according to plan. Her doctor meant they weren't leaving that place without knowing if she was having a boy or a girl even on a Friday afternoon. Fortunately, her little one had decided to play well with others.

They'd had their answer in a surprisingly short period of time.

Once they'd returned to the CBI, she'd gotten her team's promise not to spring her secret just yet. To give her the weekend to get used to finally knowing the sex of her stubborn little one. Van Pelt could do the reveal with cupcakes in the breakroom bright and early Monday morning. The girlie kind with soft pink icing and those little plastic toppers in various girlie shapes.

Lisbon still couldn't believe she'd agreed to that.

Yes, she could.

She'd do whatever it took to buy the time she needed to spring the truth on Jane.

Fortunately, the CBI was mostly deserted due to the upcoming weekend by the time they'd returned from her appointment so there was no one hanging about waiting to learn what she didn't want to share just yet.

Most of the lurkers had given up figuring she'd go straight home rather than return to the office anyway.

All except the last person she wanted to tell.

Knowing the clock was ticking, Lisbon tucked the images back into the envelope before stuffing her copy in her purse and locking the whole thing away in a desk drawer. Tucking the envelope in a file, Lisbon exited her office and made her way to the attic where she knew Jane was waiting for her in his creepy, spider web infested Man-Cave. As much as she wished he would stay somewhere else, she knew Jane drew inspiration from his surroundings. There was something about the place that fed his crime-solving juices and aided her cause. She wasn't about to mess with that.

Whatever floated his boat was fine by her.

Reaching up to rap on the door, Lisbon waited for Jane to give her entry into his gloomy abode.

"So, was your quest finally successful?" As if he needed to ask. "I'd say so from the file folder in your hand."

"You'd say right." Lisbon agreed. "Do you want to see?"

"What do you think?" Reaching out, Jane was slightly taken aback by Lisbon's hesitancy to hand him the envelope.

She was clearly apprehensive about something.

Jane hoped it wasn't something bizarre like their son had become two.

Watching him pull the images free from the envelope, Lisbon prayed for the best and expected the worst.

As for Jane, he knew the color was quickly draining from his face as he studied the images in his hand. This couldn't be happening. He couldn't be seeing what he thought he was. It wasn't possible his son's outie was an innie. No flipping way. Looking at Lisbon, he knew the look on his face had silenced whatever she was going to say. Honestly, there wasn't anything she could say. The only thing that could make this situation worse had finally happened.

Learning his _son_ was actually a _daughter_.

Giving Lisbon one last haunted look, Jane did the only thing he could do.

He ripped through the pages in his hands and walked out the door.

#

Staring out her window, Lisbon admitted the last couple of weeks had been hard.

Very hard.

Things between her and Jane had degenerated to a degree she'd hope wouldn't happen.

Privately, not in public.

Thank God for small blessings.

As far as the team was concerned, nothing had changed.

Oh, Jane was being more of a pain in the ass than usual. That wasn't entirely unexpected. The man had always had his diva moments. Now wasn't any different. He was getting more vocal about being held back on investigations and choosing to go solo. Or work with another team member more often as her expanding belly slowed her down.

As far as she was concerned, everything had changed.

Jane's reaction to discovering the sex of their child had done it. Done what? She was too hormonal to make that decision. Maybe finally convinced her there wasn't any hope for them. That there was nothing left to cling to.

Or maybe she'd finally realized how much she really hated Jane.

Maybe not Jane exactly.

Maybe how he was acting.

No, she hated Jane.

But, she still loved him.

Truthfully, she teetered back and forth on that fine line between the two.

Dragging her hand through her hair, Lisbon admitted that was the problem. She didn't really know what she felt. Between the love, the hate, the betrayal, and her second trimester libido she was ready to end it all. Not literally. But she was becoming a wreck for a lot of different reasons. One of the main ones being, the attraction between her and Jane hadn't disappeared in spite of the turbulence between them.

She'd learned that the hard way when Jane had accompanied her into an interrogation room earlier in the day.

They'd cracked that child sex ring and arrested the three brothers operating the Sacramento branch. How wasn't that important. Suffice it to say Jane had attacked the case with his usual brilliance and underhanded methods to save the day. Actually, he'd saved two sisters kidnapped from their bedrooms by close family friends. In doing so, he'd provided the break they needed to crack the case.

Recalling what happened, Lisbon was still amazed their suspect took one look at her and decided a fat belly made her helpless. She'd intercepted his lunge across the table and knocked him back with a punch to the face before Jane pulled her out of the way. Cho and Rigsby had burst through the door and done the rest.

Mildly winded, she'd been shocked to notice a surprising fire in Jane's eyes before his mask settled back in place.

It was a look she wished she'd never seen.

Who knew Jane got turned on by pregnant women. Who was she kidding? He probably got turned off by the thought of his kid in her belly. It was more likely the violence of her breaking the bad guy's nose that turned him on. Whatever it was, they'd been shooting each other _those_ kinds of looks all day long.

Now she had a real problem.

She was at the end of her wits. She was lonely, scared, sexually frustrated, and more physically uncomfortable than she'd been in her life with nowhere to turn. Nowhere but Jane, damn it. While she was far enough gone in her misery to sacrifice her pride, there was no guarantee he would act as she needed him to.

That he wouldn't verbally smack her into the ground as he'd done so many times over the months since their sexual encounter.

She wasn't sure she was willing to risk going out on that limb again.

She truly wasn't.

Grabbing her purse from her drawer and exiting her office, Lisbon decided it was past time for her to go. Everyone else had including Jane. She might as well, too.

The drive home would give her time to decide what she wanted to do.


	12. Chapter 11

Ignoring the warning bells sounding in his head, Jane pulled into a parking space in Lisbon's complex and killed his engine. He wasn't a fool. He knew he was swimming in dangerous waters. He also knew this situation was eerily reminiscent of a night he was trying to forget with little success.

One where they'd done something they shouldn't have and created an issue that should never have been created.

Contemplating his key ring, and a certain key in particular, Jane was torn between turning the key in his ignition and driving away or using it. Common sense said, "There be dragons there." while the Jane part of him had more of a dragon slayer's attitude. He could hold his ground against the best of them.

Even if Lisbon was up to what he thought she was.

Deciding to go for it, Jane exited his car and headed for Lisbon's apartment key in hand. While he'd had that key for years, he'd never used it without her express permission. They had an agreement based on trust that he wouldn't enter her apartment uninvited unless he genuinely feared something had happened to her. He'd always honored it. Tonight was different.

She'd told him to let himself in.

"Lisbon?" Jane walked through the door as he had hundreds of times over the years. "To what do I owe this summons?"

"I'm not sure." Lisbon answered as she pushed off the couch clearly giving him the once over in a way she shouldn't be. "Perhaps a case of temporary insanity?"

Temporary insanity was right.

Although he wasn't sure he liked the wild look in her eyes, Jane didn't say a word as she locked the door and backed him against the wall. He wasn't stupid. He'd already fought this battle within himself. He'd been fighting it most of the day since a certain dumb butt underestimated his opponent. Any idiot knew you didn't go after a cornered Mama Bear and you sure as hell didn't attack a well-trained police officer in an enclosed space with a bun in the oven.

Not unless you had a death wish or wanted to see your pretty face a lot less pretty for the rest of your life.

Lisbon probably thought that upper cut was what turned him. He did like a capable woman. But, she'd be wrong. He'd discovered he had a thing for pregnant women when Angela was carrying Charlotte Anne. Not pregnant women in general, not in the same way; but _his_ pregnant woman. As much as he wished he felt otherwise, he'd gradually realized he felt the same about Lisbon and that only made the fight more difficult.

Unlike that first night at her place, he'd known the heated exchanges they'd shared off and on throughout the day was inviting trouble.

But, it seemed, they couldn't help themselves.

Well, he wasn't able to anyway.

Lisbon could speak for herself.

While the sane part of his brain advised against taking that inevitable call when it came; the Jane part chose to ignore common sense. He couldn't dismiss Lisbon like that…For one thing, he knew what dialing his number cost her…Especially given his recent behavior…For another that was his kid keeping her so desperately off kilter she'd call him in the first place whether he wanted to admit it or not…If none of that justified a mutual case of temporary insanity, he found her more generous curves seriously arousing….

While he might not want any part of the mess they'd found themselves in, he'd never deny he wanted Lisbon.

He had for a long time and he'd never stopped.

Feeling the brutal press of her lips against his, Jane didn't try to stop Lisbon pulling his jacket from his shoulders or unfastening his pants and taking him in hand. Letting her use his body was a small price to pay for the hell he was putting her through. Not to mention he knew he would enjoy it.

Even if giving in this once would only make the denial worse for both of them down the line.

Flipping positions, Jane was determined to finish what she started. Fortunately, Lisbon was willing to cooperate. She obviously didn't care who was dominant as long as they came together. Feeling the slight curve of her belly against him, Jane marveled she was still so small as he thrust blindly into her willing body relishing every second of the merging he never expected to happen again.

#

Gently disengaging Lisbon's leg's from around his waist, Jane refastened his pants and righted his clothes. He'd been much too rough with her all things considered. He knew better; but, she didn't seem to mind. Leaning in to kiss Lisbon's forehead, he refused to answer the question in her eyes. Given the coldness and hurtful words of the last few weeks, today should never have happened. Any of it. From the lust fueled gazes to mindless sex against the door.

But it had…All of it…And he wasn't about to explain it.

Taking Lisbon by the hand, Jane led her silently up the stairs to the room where everything started. Taking her into his arms, he kissed her as he should have downstairs before drawing the night shirt over her head. As he should have that night and hadn't. Making short work of removing his shirt and pants, Jane tossed the garments aside before turning his attention back to the woman before him. Feeling her hand against his cheek, Jane looked into her eyes and realized Lisbon was as much of a realist as he was.

There would be no explanations or apologies forthcoming in the morning.

From either side.

There never was.

Things would just go back to how they were as they always did leaving them both emotionally bruised and confused as they always were.

He hated his life sometimes.

But he wouldn't change a thing if it meant losing Lisbon.

Shaking the thought, Jane refused to go there as he concentrated on getting Lisbon where he wanted her instead. He wasn't dealing with the ramifications of that thought as it pertained to his long lost wife and child. He didn't want to know.

Not now.

Not ever.

Not when he had his hands wrapped around Lisbon's waist above the gentle swell of her belly. Losing himself in the pleasure of the moment, Jane recalled they were in just such a position when their child was made. While he dare not betray the truth, he was enjoying being close to his offspring as much as he was enjoying the carnal intimacies with Lisbon. That she didn't know any of this was as it should be.

And how it must be.

Not that any of it actually changed anything. He still didn't want this child. If things were different, he wouldn't want a girl. Wouldn't want another _daughter_ to compete with his memories of Charlotte Anne.

Just admitting _he_ was a _she_ made him nauseous.

However, wants aside, he can't deny he _loves_ her…Both of them…He's loved Lisbon for years. Even if she doesn't know it.

And she loves him.

Even if she'll never admit it.

That being said, he can't not love the child in her womb even if he has to hide his true feelings under the unconscionable ugliness eating away at his soul.

Hide behind the knowledge _wanting_ and _loving_ were two very different things.

Closing his eyes, Jane steeled his resolve for the thousandth time.

"This can't happen again." Jane gently kissed her naked shoulder finding it hard to believe he was getting to touch Lisbon so intimately even knowing he shouldn't. "It's far too dangerous for you."

"I know." Lisbon closed her eyes against the raw pain flooding her heart. "The solitude got too much."

Reading between the lines, Jane knew what she wouldn't say. It had nothing to do with solitude. More like an overload of hormones, stress, and the long denied emotions still roiling between them. As angry as Lisbon was with him for his unconscionable actions, her very normal physical and emotional needs weren't getting met leaving her vulnerable to moments like this. That she'd coped as well as she had with all the changes she was going through was a testimony to Lisbon's strength and determination to do what had to be done. Angela hadn't handled her pregnancy nearly as well even with the advantages she'd had. All things considered, he was lucky Lisbon hadn't accepted any of the offers coming her way. Not all of the men on the periphery of their lives were jerks.

Nor were they cops.

Several of them were decent, professional men who would gladly accept Lisbon and her child and treat them right. He could list three right now who hadn't lost interest when her condition had come to light. One was quite the catch in terms of assets and influence and no he wasn't mentioning a certain someone from a few years back.

The man of the hour was somewhat older, maybe six to eight years; stable, and old money. But, he couldn't hold his lineage against Harry. He'd added a substantial chunk of new money to the old by his own hard work. He was also one of the few attorneys Jane respected for his integrity and ethics. He hadn't particularly minded when his long-time acquaintance had been immediately smitten by his boss when he'd introduced them.

He hadn't been quite as pleased when Harry made that interest known.

To Lisbon's credit, even had she been interested in anything they had to offer, she wouldn't have involved an innocent party in the twisted situation between them or with a faceless Serial Killer.

That meant Lisbon had one recourse left and she'd taken it.

She'd made that call and met him at the door.

Had she ever.

He wouldn't be forgetting this night for a very long time if ever.

"I still hate you." Lisbon said quietly lest he fool himself all was right between them. "And I'm not too pleased with myself for letting this happen."

"Your feelings are understandable." Jane spoke softly in her ear. "I hate me, too. If it makes you feel any better, I might feel differently under different circumstances. I honestly don't know."

Lisbon snorted at the stupidity of his remark. How dare he intimate, if Red John didn't exit, there was a possibility he could love their child. Even knowing how emotionally screwed up the man was, she'd never expected him to reject the life they'd created. Be with her openly? No, she wasn't that stupid.

Outright admit he didn't want their child and act accordingly?

Never in a million years.

But, he'd done just that and more.

There was no denying he'd been a real bastard since the beginning and even worse since they'd learned they were having a girl.

"Don't say words you don't mean." Lisbon said as she rolled to a sitting position and glared at him. "You made your feelings perfectly clear with the last sonogram."

Jane had the decency to look away from livid green eyes. He'd be the first to admit he hadn't handled the surprisingly clear pictures she'd given him well and he had no one to blame but himself. He'd believed Lisbon was having a boy. He'd worked long and hard to convince himself of just that fact. He'd known Fate wouldn't permit otherwise.

She'd pulled enough shit in his life without pulling that one.

So, when Lisbon approached him about meeting in his Man Cave after work; he'd had no qualms about doing so. He'd known what she was going to tell him. Well, obviously, not the specifics; but, the generalities, yeah, and he'd been positive they were having a boy. Sure enough that ancient ember buried somewhere within his masculine brain had already sparked into that imaginary happy dance he was reproducing in kind.

Fulfilling every man's dream even if he'd never been that man the first time around.

While their relationship had become coolly professional over the past few weeks, largely because he'd vocally resented her pregnancy interfering with the Great Serial Killer Hunt, Lisbon wouldn't keep the sex of their child from him. As soon as she knew; he would know as well. She hadn't disappointed him. Needless to say, soon after having that surprisingly clear image pressed into his hands, he'd reacted in a way he wasn't very proud of. Not in any way. He'd mindlessly departed leaving Lisbon standing bereft of any dignity in his grungy home-away-from-home, exited the CBI as fast as his legs would carry him, driven to the nearest liquor store, and gone on the bender to end all benders all within an hour's time.

And, yes, he'd spent the next few hours in some random hotel room getting reacquainted with more booze than one man should drink in a night.

Learning their "he" was really a "she" had sent him into a downward spiral that had taken him a while to snap out of.

It had also sent Lisbon a clear cut message he couldn't handle another girl and wouldn't even consider the possibility. That he'd torn the image into a million jagged pieces before her eyes had underscored that impression in 3-D technicolor. If that wasn't bad enough, he'd refused to take her calls or answer her knocks at his door later that night. It wouldn't have helped the cause.

He'd been sopping drunk at the time and not thinking clearly.

With hindsight, once he'd sobered enough to have a coherent thought, he'd realized either his hotel wasn't that random or Lisbon had tracked him by his phone. All that mattered in the end was her efforts hadn't gotten her anywhere. He'd shown up at work on Monday to find her attitude towards him notably cooler as it should have been.

If anyone else noticed, as he was sure they did, they put it down to Lisbon getting fed up with his occasional jerky remarks about her pregnancy beginning to slow everyone down. While it was true to a point, he couldn't honestly say Lisbon was allowing her condition to interfere with her work. When it reached that degree, she'd leave the field. They both knew he neither believed nor meant the asinine remarks passing his lips.

He was merely keeping up appearances.

"Yes, I did." Jane agreed. "But a man can change his mind when he comes to terms."

"I guess he can." Lisbon agreed. "And a woman can say it's too little too late."

"Perhaps she can." Jane agreed. "But I'm hoping she won't."

"Whether she does or she doesn't, we won't be together." Lisbon rested her palm against her belly making it very clear she meant more than them. "You've made that very clear."

"We can't be together." Jane gently corrected her. "You know that as well as I and you know why."

She'd be sliced and diced and julienned worse than Lorelei.

"Yeah, I know." Lisbon silently cursed her pregnancy hormones as she blinked back tears. "You don't want her."

"Lisbon, my wants aside, surely you know I don't wish any harm on her." Jane said quietly resting his hand against her belly. "Being together like this could cause just that. To both of you. Red John won't hesitate to kill you if he figures out who her father is and there won't be anything I can do to stop it."

"While that may be true, it doesn't change the facts." Lisbon couldn't bring herself to say anything more.

"I'm sorry." Jane rubbed her arm absently. "I wish I felt differently; but, I don't."

The only way Lisbon stood a snowball's chance in hell of ever giving birth to that child was if no one ever suspected the truth. The only way he could keep that from happening was maintaining the distance between them. The only way he could do that was by being a royal jerk at work and a soulless bastard in private. This whole appearing at her apartment for a few hours was taking a real chance they shouldn't be taking.

He'd have to make sure things were particularly nasty when he left…But, in the meantime….

"I really do hate you, you know…." Lisbon said quietly as she gasped against the hand suddenly touching her quite intimately.

"Yeah, I know." Jane kissed her neck as he drew her on top of him. "But you really want this and I'm the only place you can get it." He bluntly stated what they both knew. "Blame it on hormones if that makes you feel better."

"What about you?" Lisbon asked. "What's your excuse?"

"Do I need one?" Jane quirked a brow at her wondering why the woman wanted to talk when what they were doing was so much better. "I should think it's obvious…You're a beautiful, responsive woman any man would be happy to have in his bed." Jane brushed a hair off her cheek. "In case you have any doubts, I'm all man and I'm very happy to have you here."

"I'm supposed to be flattered by that?" Lisbon shook her head. "Well, I'm not."

"Good." Jane said quietly. "I wasn't trying to flatter you…I'm not without feelings…deep feelings…for both of you." There, he'd said it, punctuating his words with mind numbing thrusts of his body. "But we both know such feelings have no place in our universe." He reached up to touch her cheek giving her a reprieve from his knowledgeable stroking of her pleasure points. "Not now." Lisbon closed her eyes against the truth of his words. "Maybe not ever…You've always known that."

Opening her eyes, Lisbon seized on that miniscule something she saw deep in his eyes…That tiny flaring of _hope_ she'd never seen before…Perhaps all wasn't lost…If, and that was a mighty big if, _if_ she could hold it together long enough to pull through….

Maybe just maybe, if they could get Red John before he got them, things would work out as they should….

If, and again that was a mighty big if, she could get past what had already been.

She didn't know if she could. She did know she couldn't contemplate that now. She'd figure it out when the time came. When she was less overwrought and thinking clearer. At the moment, she was going to get lost in the moment and draw strength from the raw emotions swirling between them.

From the truths Jane was finally letting her see.

#

Opening his eyes, Jane became aware of the unfamiliar weight on his chest. Glancing down at long dark hair, everything came flooding back to him. As much as he wanted to chastise himself for his weaknesses, he'd needed this moment as badly as Lisbon had. Maybe more. While it wasn't enough by a long shot, she had the love and support of her team and a few close friends.

He was going it alone for obvious reasons.

Reconnecting with the feelings he had to keep buried, however briefly, would give him the strength to carry on. To continue hurting Lisbon, hurting himself, for the greater good. All he had to do was keep his eye on the prize and they'd all get through this

To that end, he gently extricated himself from beneath the woman in his arms and carefully rose from the bed.

Leaving Lisbon curled into her pillow, Jane padded into the bathroom for a quick shower. Squirting body wash on his cloth, he absently lathered his chest lost in thought. Contrary to what the woman thought, this situation was destroying him. While it was true he wasn't ready to be a father again, he would have stepped up to the plate and treated the mother of his child with the respect she deserved to be treated right from the start. Were things different. Were he free to behave as he wanted to. Even knowing his child was a girl. But, he didn't have that luxury. He couldn't act as he knew he should. All he could do was play off the feelings he already had as disgusting as they were. He _didn't_ want a child at the moment. There was no denying that. No man in his right mind would.

Not when that child's very existence meant certain death to the woman he cared for deeply. Why couldn't Lisbon understand that? Who was he kidding? Maybe she did. Maybe she just wasn't as willing to accept reality as he was.

Maybe it was just a woman thing.

He didn't know.

What he did know was he needed to leave now. Before Lisbon woke up. It would be easier on both of them. It would also look better if anyone was watching him leave. He hadn't been inside that long. Just a few hours. Certainly well within the realms of legitimately wrapping up a case and everyone knew they were doing the final paperwork on that child trafficking ring. They also knew he'd been instrumental in solving it.

As revolting as the job had been, he'd posed quite effectively as a wealthy closet pedophile in search of under-aged girls to fuel his sick desires. It hadn't taken nearly as long as it should have for him to get past their safe guards and into the inner circle. From that point, it had only been a few days before the team brought the operation down.

The branch operating in Sacramento anyways.

It was up to the FBI and Interpol to take care of the tentacles operating out of other states, Eastern Europe, and the Far East.

All those places were outside the CBI's jurisdiction.

Anyways, nobody would think too much of the fact he'd been in Lisbon's place for a few hours. It didn't hurt he'd brought a file with him when he'd entered her apartment. No one needed to know it remained against the wall in the foyer for the entirety of his visit or that it hadn't even been real in the first place. All that mattered was they'd finished the report earlier in the day so all that was left was sending it where it needed to go. That was something Lisbon intended to do tomorrow anyway.

So, all things considered, his presence at her apartment was perfectly feasible. Or it would be as long as he left now which was what he was going to do.

As soon as he did the one thing he needed to do.

Reaching in his suit pocket, he removed an envelope and recounted a hefty stack of hundred dollar bills. Straightening the money, he returned the bills to the envelope before slipping it inside the cover of the baby book resting on the coffee table. The one Lisbon was currently reading. While he knew his gesture would piss her off no end considering his past actions, he knew she would need the help. Having a baby was a major expense for a couple and doing it solo was harder. Lisbon was under enough stress without adding all of that to the mix.

Taking one last look around, Jane turned on his heel locking the door behind him.

#

A/N: Updates have come fairly quickly lately because the story isn't fighting me. However, I'm not sure when the next update will be. Probably before the end of the week depending on how long it takes me to write it. We'll see. We're getting into that spotty area where bits and pieces are written; but, nothing is cohesive.

In other words, I know what's going to happen just not how.

I'm also going to step away from this for a day or so if I can. This last bit left me feeling a bit ragged around the edges. ~Calla.


	13. Chapter 12

Opening her eyes, Lisbon knew she was alone.

That Jane had followed his usual M.O. and slipped out while she was still sleeping.

She could feel it in the eerie silence surrounding her.

Taking a moment to bury her face in his pillow, she absorbed the scent of Jane knowing this was likely the last opportunity she would have to do such a thing. Rolling out of bed, she walked into the bathroom and knew immediately that he'd taken a shower before he left. Not that he'd left things a mess. Far from it. Jane was an immaculate guest. He cleaned up after himself. Probably better than she did. What she did notice was the couple of extra towels in her hamper that weren't there before and her body wash was a little bit lower.

That she'd slept through his getting ready wasn't all that surprising.

They'd been quite…energetic…a good part of the night. Added to that she wasn't as light a sleeper as she used to be. Not like before she'd gotten pregnant. Jane had also been extra quiet. She was sure of it. He wouldn't have wanted to wake her.

Just get out of Dodge as quickly as he could.

Turning the shower on, Lisbon waited until the temperature was just right. Not too cool and not too hot. More middle of the road. Stepping beneath the spray, she tried not to think about Jane standing in her shower as she was now. Tried not to think about what they'd done the last time they'd been in here together the night their baby was made.

Finishing her shower and getting dressed, Lisbon headed down the stairs to make a quick cup of decaf and toast a bagel. Carrying her coffee and bagel into the den, she settled in her usual spot on the couch. Setting her cup aside, she took a cream cheese slathered bite of bread before reaching for the book she'd been reading.

There was so much she'd never even thought about.

Not that she needed some book to tell her how to raise her daughter. She didn't. She was going to do what her parents had done before things went bad and what she'd done with her brothers. Sure, there'd been bumps in the road; but, they'd all turned out okay.

Her kid would, too.

However, just because she had a handle on the child rearing part didn't mean she understood her _pregnant_ body or knew what to expect those first few days after her daughter was born. She didn't. She'd been too young to remember much more than holding, feeding, and changing her brothers. She didn't know the specifics of pregnancy or much about childbirth in general. She'd never bothered to learn. Not that she would have asked or her Mom would have told her.

She'd been much too young at the time.

To be honest, she hadn't thought much about having a family since she'd been old enough to have one. Not since her engagement to Greg fell through and her life took a different path. But, she'd never consciously decided children weren't for her either. The issue hadn't really come up one way or the other. Why should it? She'd been married to the job too long.

She hadn't had the time or inclination for more than the briefest of dalliances here and there.

Conducted maturely and responsibly.

Or they always had been.

Before Jane.

Snorting derisively, Lisbon reached for her book deciding Jane had been her undoing from the first moment she'd met him. Opening the cover, Lisbon stared at the envelope secreted inside. She didn't have to guess who'd put it there; but, she did wonder why. Setting the book aside, she broke the seal on the envelope and dumped the pile of hundred dollar bills on her lap. Not stopping to think, Lisbon arranged the bills in thousand dollar piles and counted them. There was close to thirty grand on her coffee table.

Who was she fooling?

There was exactly thirty thousand dollars spread out before her.

What was Jane thinking?

He couldn't buy his way out of this. Not that she thought he was trying to. Not in some skanky way. Maybe ease his guilt by providing for his child. That was something she could see him doing.

But, he wasn't taking the easy way out this time.

She neither wanted or needed his money. She was paid a fair salary for doing her job and she'd always managed her money well. She had a fair sized chunk in savings. More than enough to take care of her and Miranda.

Whoa, where had that come from?

She hadn't really started on the whole name game yet. She'd wanted to know what she was having before she got invested that deep. Well, that and the fact she'd have wanted to name her son after his father even if she couldn't. Having a girl took care of that problem.

Maybe she would call her Miranda. It wasn't half bad. Miranda Grace after her godmother. Worked for her.

Unless something better popped in her head.

Turning her attention back to the money at hand, Lisbon crammed it back in the envelope. While Jane meant well, she couldn't help feeling insulted that he thought he could buy her off. Get absolution through dirty back room Poker money. Well, it wouldn't work. Not this time. He was getting it back.

She didn't want or need his money.

She needed him.

Sometimes Jane could be such an idiot.

#

Entering Lisbon's office, Jane took one look at her face and locked the door. It might be late at night and the CBI might be mostly deserted; but, no one needed to walk in on this. Not when he knew what was coming. He'd known since this morning when she'd informed him in no uncertain terms they needed to talk.

Later.

After everyone was gone and she'd thoroughly swept the place.

Throughout the rest of the day he'd known Lisbon wasn't happy with him.

She'd made sure of it.

Taking a seat, Jane waited for the crap storm he knew was coming.

"What the hell?" Lisbon reached in her purse and tossed a stack of bills on her desk. "I don't need your guilty conscience money."

"I don't have a guilty conscience." Jane answered honestly. "Just because I fathered a child doesn't mean I'm obligated to want it. However, I do have a responsibility to provide for it."

"Yeah, well, you're released from any responsibility." Lisbon said quietly. "My insurance will take care of our hospital costs and I have more than enough in savings to provide for our day-to-day expenses. I don't want or need your money."

"I want you to have it." Jane handed her the stack of bills. "Lisbon, I'm asking you to let me do the only thing I can to make things easier on you. Let me have a shred of honor in a dishonorable situation. I don't think that's too much to ask."

Studying Jane's face, Lisbon mulled his words in her head.

"Maybe it isn't." She'd give that much.

"It isn't." Jane stated firmly. "You should also know there's more where that came from. You don't even have to ask."

What Lisbon didn't know was there were already an account set up in her name and there had been for years. He'd always intended a good chunk of his ill-gotten gains to find its way into her hands when the game ended. He just hadn't thought he'd be around to give it to her. Now he knew differently. There was no way he was dying or going to jail when he had a woman and child to live for. Lisbon didn't have to know he felt that way.

It was enough he knew.

"I don't know." Lisbon looked at the money on her desk.

"What's to know?" Jane asked. "It's simple mathematics. Two incomes are better than one. Let me ensure our daughter has the life you want her to have."

Looking at the money in her hand, Lisbon thought of all the things she wanted, not needed, to turn the bedroom next to hers into the perfect nursery. She couldn't help the selfish stirring in her heart. It wasn't like she wanted frivolous things. She was far more practical than that. Practical enough not to want to redo her daughter's room several times over. She wanted to build on what she started with and that kind of furniture didn't come cheap.

Would it be such a bad thing to take what Jane was offering and do things right from the start?

Maybe not.

He was her daughter's father and he had put her through hell these last few months. Her suffering was worth something. She was sure of it. While those Poker games were more shades of gray, they weren't exactly illegal. She should know. She'd played in a few herself.

Maybe she should take the money.

Buy those pieces that worked from the cradle to young adulthood. The fairly expensive ones she could add to as her daughter aged. That they could move to the bigger place she knew she'd need one day. Besides, the more Jane payed for along the way, the more she could sock away in her daughter's education fund. She liked that idea, she really did.

She liked the idea of Jane paying even better.

"While I doubt you care; you should see what you're buying." Lisbon reached down to unlock her bottom desk drawer. "You should probably know who you're paying as well."

Pulling a catalog out of her stash, she opened to a page with a pink sticky tab on the top.

"That's the set I'm leaning towards." Lisbon pushed the catalog in Jane's direction. "I haven't really decided on the color scheme yet so I'm leaning towards furniture that'll work with almost anything. That light antiqued finish with the pale rose accents isn't too over the top for a baby and it still work as she grows. It's also sturdy enough to survive being moved into a new place when the time comes."

Watching Jane take her offering, she knew he wouldn't flinch at the prices as she had.

Taking the higher end catalog, he studied the solid wood convertible crib and matching bedroom suit that could potentially take their daughter from birth through early childhood if they bought the necessary conversion kits. The beautiful queen sized bed on the next page could be bought now and put into storage until she was old enough for a big girl bed. They didn't have to buy the mattress and box springs now. All in all, he thought Lisbon had good taste. More girly than he'd expected he'd admit.

But, being pregnant changed a woman.

It changed a man, too; but, he wasn't going there. He also thought it was in his best interests to avoid looking at the mother of his child as he was about to be so busted.

She had that look about her.

"You've been in my drawers again recently." Lisbon had the grace to roll her eyes at the way that sounded. As much as she'd like to deny the double entendre, it was unfortunately very true. She wouldn't be both very pregnant and have missing 3-D ultra sound photographs if that wasn't so. "Some of my images are missing and you're the only one capable of getting in that drawer without a key."

"What do you want me to say?" Jane tossed her catalog on the desk top. "My curiosity got the best of me."

He'd had second thoughts after ripping the last batch to shreds. Well, he'd decided he should have looked at them before he indulged in such an over the top reaction. Gotten some idea what, or who, the kid looked like.

With any luck, like her mother.

He hadn't been disappointed when he'd broken into Lisbon drawer the next day and sneaked a peak.

"Damn it, Jane." Lisbon blinked back tears. "Don't do things like that…I'm messed up enough as it is…Crap like this only screws with my head more."

He didn't know how he could screw with her head more than sleeping with her but he wisely kept his mouth shut.

"Do you want the pictures back?" Jane asked quietly.

He'd return them if she did.

"No, I don't want them back." Lisbon rose slowly to her feet palm resting protectively over the swell of her stomach. "She's yours regardless of how you feel about her and, just to set the record straight, throwing money my way doesn't make you her father."

"I don't expect it to." Jane bit his tongue knowing he couldn't say but how he felt about her did. "I do expect you to let me do what I'm willing to do."

"I can do that." Lisbon said. "As long as you don't start demanding rights I'm not ready to give."

"I'm not going to demand anything." Jane couldn't believe they were having this conversation. "You know I can't."

"Not now." Lisbon agreed. "But after he's gone."

"That may never happen." As determined as he was to get Red John, his nemesis was equally determined not to get caught. "Either way, you don't have to be concerned I'll do anything to hurt either of you. Not in the ways you fear."

"You better not." Lisbon sounded defeated at the thought. "I might kill you if you try."

Somehow, Jane had a feeling that might be true in spite of her surprisingly light tone.

"I won't." Jane said sincerely knowing he'd never try to take her child from her or demand rights she wasn't willing to give…Not after the heartache he was putting her through. "You have my word."

"I'm holding you to it." Lisbon nodded. "No bogus crap somewhere down the road."

"No bogus crap down the road." Jane agreed. "Just more dirty Poker money from where that came from if you need it."

As much as she needed within reason and reason was pretty high. There had been around a half million in that interest bearing account the last time he'd checked. He'd made three fairly significant deposits since. While he knew the approximate amounts, he hadn't bothered getting a final tally as the specifics didn't really matter until they started withdrawing funds. If he had to guess, he'd probably earned close to a million dollars, maybe a little more, when he'd finally stopped with those back room Poker games. Enough to cover day-to-day expenses for the next eighteen years plus a decent college education when the time came.

Not that he couldn't, and probably wouldn't, add more here and there as they went along.

Catching Jane's eye, Lisbon silently nodded her acceptance of his offer.

"I know I don't need to say this; but, I'm going to anyway. Don't deposit anything I give you in any of your accounts." Jane nodded to the stack of bills. "Put it in a safe place somewhere around your place." Like with her secret weapons stash in that hidden space she didn't know he knew Stan had built into the top of her closet soon after she'd moved into the place. "Don't create any new paper trails or make any large cash expenditures. Nothing that could trace back to what I'm giving you. Use the cash when you need it for normal expenses and take money out of your savings for the big expenses like that baby furniture you like. As long as we're careful, no one will put the pieces together."

Lisbon nodded her acceptance of his advice and his tacit approval of Miranda's furnishings. Again, where had that come from? Her baby was clearly seconding the name that kept popping into her head for no discernable reason. Or she was if you believed in that kind of thing and Lisbon wasn't sure she did. What she did believe was some part of her psyche liked the name and wanted her to know it.

Maybe it was nothing more than she subconsciously realized Miranda Grace sounded pretty.

"Hey, Jane?" Lisbon caught his eye.

"Yeah, Lisbon?" Jane leaned forward.

"What do you think of Miranda Grace Lisbon for a name?" She ignored his slight flinch in favor of finishing her question.

"It works." Miranda Grace Jane would sound better. "Actually, it's very pretty."

Jane rose to his feet.

"Then I think I've decided her name." Looking down, Lisbon rubbed her belly. "And the nursery is complete. All I have to do is transfer funds and order everything."

Her neutral walls would work just fine as long as she added the right accents and bedding.

"Good." Jane opened the door to leave. "I'm sure that's a load off your mind."

"It is." Lisbon confirmed knowing their voices would carry as she watched Jane exit her office. "I'll see you tomorrow."

She caught Jane's wave as he headed in the direction of the stairs to the attic before stepping back into her office and closing the door.

Anyone still lurking about would think they'd just finished discussing a case if they thought anything at all.

She and Jane knew differently.

Grabbing her purse, Lisbon took one last look around her office before flipping the light switch, locking the door, and heading for the elevator. She couldn't wait to get home. She had enough money on her credit cards to order all the things she'd been delaying. Once that was done, she'd transfer funds between her accounts and pay everything off.

Glad she finally had a workable plan, Lisbon exited HQ and headed into the night unaware her every step was being watched from above.

Staring out her office window, Jane watched Lisbon trek across the parking lot to her SUV, hop inside, and pull out of the parking lot. Satisfied she was safe for the moment, he sat in her chair and unlocked her bottom desk drawer. He wouldn't make the same mistake he'd made before.

Wouldn't upset Lisbon again.

Removing the most recent envelope from the file, he spread the newest images across her desk. The one's taken a couple of days ago he hadn't seen. Committing every precious line and curve of his daughter to memory, he gathered the pictures and returned them to the envelope. Sticking the package back where he'd found it, he was careful to leave nothing out of place.

What Lisbon didn't know wouldn't hurt her.

Locking the drawer, he rose to his feet and exited the office carefully relocking the door behind him.

#

A/N: Now I've exhausted what's already written. It will be a few days before another post. The next three or four chapters are where everything really happens and they aren't written because I was trying to get from there to here. ~Calla


	14. Chapter 13

A/N: Thank you for the reviews and for enjoying this story. Both are greatly appreciated. While I wish I could offer more, this chapter is more necessary filler fluff to advance the story than anything else.~Calla

#

Staring around him, Bourbon in hand, Jane quietly absorbed the sights and sounds of his environment. It wasn't often Lisbon had people at her place. Tonight was different. She'd been so happy to finally have the nursery done, she'd wanted to celebrate with the people closest to her. Jane wasn't sure he liked the idea even if it was just a few close friends and business associates. Then again, he was probably overreacting when he had no right. Being paranoid. He was sure every one of these people had been in her home multiple times before. Even the one's he'd never met. It wasn't like any of them had to ask directions to the bathroom from what he could see.

Not that that was a good barometer of anything.

Lisbon's place was fairly generic so it wasn't that hard to figure out which room was where without asking if you were vaguely familiar with the units in the area.

Cruising the perimeter, Jane didn't note any faces in the crowd he didn't recognize on some level. Honestly, he worked with half of them for a great many years and the rest he'd gotten to know fairly well vicariously through his long acquaintance with Lisbon. Even if he'd never met them in person, he'd at least seen their photographs strewn about her apartment and heard their stories somewhere along the way over the years. No one was entirely _unfamiliar_. The tall, married couple talking to Cho were Chicago PD Forensics Specialists on temporary loan to the Sac PD and close friends from Lisbon's Rookie days. Her brother Tommy was talking with Kitty Hutchison one of Lisbon's old college roommates and one of her oldest friends. Perhaps _flirting_ if he didn't miss his guess. Annie was hanging out with Benjamin on the couch.

Not surprisingly, yet undeniably distastefully, Bertram was standing in a corner sipping beer and watching everyone with his beady little eyes. While Jane didn't like him being here, Lisbon couldn't not invite her Boss to her glorified Baby Shower. Besides, old Creepy-Crawley had been in her place enough times to be intimately acquainted with the lay-out over the years so there wasn't any real argument to be made against his presence except he might be Red John. That and maybe the fact he gave him the willies. As for the rest of their co-workers milling about, the same argument could be made about any one of them except for Rigsby, Van Pelt, and Cho. Well, maybe not that they were the Serial Killer himself; but, Red John tools.

While they all knew this, Jane didn't like any of it.

The single thing he liked the least was that they'd made it almost to the end of Lisbon's pregnancy with nary a peep from Red John. Nothing beyond finding a bug or two in the woman's office. Not that he'd been inactive. Far from it. They hadn't been that lucky. They'd had three Red John kills, maybe four, with half of them at the hands of the man himself, since the night he and Lisbon first got together.

He just hadn't messed with _them_.

Something about that set Jane's teeth on edge. The monster either knew Miranda was his and was biding his time to carry out some nefarious plot…Or he thought she wasn't and couldn't care less at the moment…Either way, his inactivity where Lisbon was concerned was a thinly veiled threat in itself.

Grabbing a mini quiche in passing and popping it in his mouth, Jane headed for the stairs to take a second look at the nursery. He hadn't seen it all that well the first time around. There had been too many people blocking his view. Apparently, he wasn't the only one feeling that way. If he didn't miss his guess, Van Pelt was up there already longing for a nursery of her own.

She certainly wasn't down here anywhere.

#

"Doesn't being in here bother you?" Van Pelt asked letting her curiosity override her discretion.

"Yeah, it does." Jane admitted.

More than Grace would ever know. Just not for the reason she thought. It didn't make him think of Charlotte Anne. Not in any way. Her room had been sunny shades of orange and yellow with the flowers and cutesy critters to match. Miranda's girly girl room had a far different message.

It drove home everything he had already lost.

"But my being here is also important to Lisbon." Jane flashed a haunted smile as he picked up a stuffed pink teddy bear and studied it. The little guy wasn't the garish baby pink everyone seemed to favor but the softer pale rose his lover favored. Looking around, Jane decided she'd done just enough with the accent colors to make everything pop against the antiqued pearl furniture she'd chosen without going overboard and doing too much. "Lisbon did a good job with the room and I'm sure you helped."

"Not that much." Grace took a sip of her wine. "The Boss already knew where she wanted to go with this…Shades of ivory and dark and light rose…I painted the walls and put the letters over the crib. Lisbon did the rest. I'd say it turned out well."

Van Pelt made a gesture with her hand encompassing the entire room.

"Yes, it did." Jane agreed. "It turned out very well."

"I think so." Grace agreed. "As much as I don't want to leave, we should probably get back before we're missed."

Nodding his head, Jane couldn't help but agree. While there was nothing that unusual about Van Pelt hanging out in a nursery since she'd recently gotten hitched, the same couldn't be said about him. Wanting to catch a glimpse of the room was one thing. Hanging out too long? Not so much. Tongues could start wagging in a way that wasn't in their best interest.

The CBI was a cesspool of gossip on a good day. He didn't need to add fuel to the fire. So far everyone thought Lisbon had just had a momentary lapse of judgement with life altering consequences. It was in everyone's best interest he left it that way.

Following Van Pelt out of the room, Jane took one last look around before flipping the switch and closing the door behind them.

Lisbon _had_ done a good job with the room.

Even better than he'd expected considering he'd known how things were going to be done.

#

Putting the last of the dishes away, Jane turned at the sound of Lisbon joining him in the kitchen. Dropping his dish towel on the counter, he grabbed his cup and took a sip. As much as he'd prefer his poison of choice, he'd switched to tea instead as the evening wore on. Stealing a glance at his hostess he decided Lisbon looked nice tonight.

Really nice in slim black slacks and a long, emerald tunic.

She was still slightly flushed from sending the team off for the night. No doubt Cho and Rigsby had teased her unmercifully in parting. Grace probably pulled the plug about the time Lisbon looked ready to smack them. For the most part, she handled their ribbing well; but even her infinite patience had its limits.

"Everything's washed and put away." Jane said quietly.

"Thanks." Lisbon nodded ignoring the awkwardness between them.

As much as she wished things were different, they weren't as close as they'd once been for a lot of reasons. For one, now that she was on desk duty, their paths rarely crossed. Jane spent most of his time in the field while she was married to HQ. While he had given, and was continuing to give, her money in highly inventive ways, their physical separation allowed him to strengthen the walls between. Was she honest, she was doing the same. He'd meant they couldn't be together again, and she'd known he was right.

Something wasn't right with Red John. Jane sensed it. She sensed it. The man was up to something. They just didn't know what and Jane wasn't willing to give him any reason to direct that _something_ at her. Lisbon couldn't help feeling the same. She wanted to stay as far out of RJ's crosshairs as she could even if that meant staying away from Jane.

There was more than her at stake.

"Want to see the baby's room now that everyone's gone?" Lisbon asked. "Really see it?"

"Yeah, I think I'd like that." Jane agreed. "I can stay a few minutes before I have to go."

"I'd like that, too." Lisbon was mildly surprised she really felt that way. "We haven't had much time to talk with you in the field and me glued to my desk."

"No, we haven't." Jane leaned in to drop a kiss on top of her head. "But, we're still alright in spite of how it feels."

They weren't. Not really and they both knew it. They were drifting farther and farther apart.

"I guess we are." Lisbon agreed not willing to confront the lie. "Let's go check out that room."

"Sounds like a plan." Nodding, Jane followed her up the stairs and to the left.

Entering the room, he admitted to himself it looked different with Lisbon standing by his side. More so because it might be the last time he saw it. Who knew how often he'd get to see his daughter outside of the office. He certainly wouldn't be hanging out at Lisbon's place on a regular basis. Somehow, he had a feeling if he tried, Lisbon would take his actions to mean he was reneging on that promise about not pulling any crap down the road. Trying to get rights she didn't feel he was entitled to. Whether she did or she didn't, his getting involved in their lives wouldn't be a good idea. Not until after Red John was gone and maybe not then.

He'd judge the lay of the land when, and if, that ever happened.

"You did a good job in here." Jane surveyed the room thinking, even if Lisbon never moved, it was big enough to hold that queen sized bed already in storage when the time came in spite of the full sized armoire and dresser already claiming space in the room. "I like the more practical approach to the decorating." She'd bought the converter kit turning the dresser into a changing table as he'd suggested. Actually, he'd bought that kit as he'd bought everything else in the room. "It'll make things easier to transition from her nursery to a big girl room."

Looking around, Jane admitted he wouldn't have been disappointed to find some cutesy scene painted on the wall as he'd expected. He certainly didn't have anything against murals or borders or any of the fun stuff couples did to make the environment more baby friendly. They'd done some of that foolishness with Charlotte Anne. In fact, he'd have probably encouraged Lisbon to let her imagination soar were they a normal couple. Since they weren't, he found her common sense, somewhat minimalistic, approach to decorating more in keeping with a working single mother.

She'd chosen to keep her walls neutral, her rugs a soft rose to match the crib's accents, and her baby bedding an easy care ivory and rose with curtains to match. She'd gone traditional, if not a little old fashioned, in choosing an adorable teddy bear theme. Her choice was clearly on display in everything from the lamps to the diaper bag hanging on the closet door to the teddy bear accented letters spelling out "Miranda" on the wall to the musical mobile jiggling over the crib. Again, Jane couldn't find it in his heart to object to her choice.

His daughter would start her life with a shelf filled with an eclectic collection of the furry creatures that had set him back a tidy sum.

He should know since he'd spent serious time picking out each and every one.

"I thought so." Lisbon agreed. "All I have to do is pack everything up and put it in storage when she's ready for a change. No painting over murals and redoing everything when the time comes. Just change out the curtains and bedspread, buy new lamps, and we're done."

Lisbon doubted it would be quite that simple but she wasn't worrying about something years down the road.

"I'd say you have everything under control." Jane agreed. "You did a good job."

"You think so?" Lisbon asked. "I wasn't sure you'd like it."

"I do." Jane confirmed. "But what I like or don't like shouldn't matter."

"You don't believe that." Lisbon looked at him in a way that let Jane know he'd taken her aback yet again. "I know we've grown apart over the last few weeks; but, I wouldn't say your opinion doesn't matter."

"I didn't say it doesn't matter." Jane said quietly. "I said it shouldn't."

Not if they had their priorities right as they clearly didn't.

"Whether it should or shouldn't isn't up for debate right now." Lisbon looked him in the eyes. "Just accept that it does."

As much as she wanted to remind him Miranda was his daughter, she didn't. It wouldn't be smart. She hadn't had time to do a thorough sweep of her house since her guests left. While she didn't want to admit such a thing, she'd had more people in her home tonight than just Bertram she didn't fully trust. In fact, the only people she did trust were Jane, Cho, Rigsby, and Van Pelt. Her Consultant and her team.

They'd proven their loyalty over the years and they'd given her no reason to feel any of that had changed with her pregnancy.

"Then you have my approval." Jane stated firmly for the record. "I think your daughter will like her room once she's old enough to appreciate all the love that's gone into it."

"I think she'll like that teddy bear collection a whole lot more." Lisbon shot him a look saying she'd known who was leaving those bears on her desk from the start. "Hey, it was either Red John or you. Nobody else would mess with my head like that. The fact I kept them should have clued you in you were busted a long time ago.

Cho caught you breaking into my office late one night when you thought everyone was gone. You'd been a real ass about everything from the case to my doctor's appointment that day so he thought you were apologizing in your usual twisted way. He thought I needed to know so I wouldn't kick your sorry butt the first chance I got. He also thought I should know who Miranda's secret admirer was so I wouldn't hesitate to keep your gifts."

"Leave it to Cho to mess up everything." Jane rolled his eyes knowing Lisbon had been pretty sure who was leaving the bears without his help. It wasn't like he hadn't included her favorites. The two or three she'd found too expensive when she needed other things more. In spite of his financial input, Lisbon kept her expenditures reasonable and justifiable. In fact, he knew she was socking away far more than she was spending. Neither of them knew what the future held. Not with Red John out there waiting to wreak havoc on their lives. "This little guy is my favorite."

Lisbon watched Jane stroking the one bear that reminded her of him. The little guy had a pensive look in his eyes and a jaunty smile on his face. Like her lover, he was showing one side to the world while keeping the rest to himself. However, while Jane might be inscrutable to most people, she could see what he tried to keep hidden.

All the twisted secrets kept deep inside.

Or, she used to. Before Miranda. Now, not so much. She wasn't sure if what she was seeing was real or wishful thinking on her part. Truthfully, probably a little of both. She didn't like that. She much preferred life as it used to be.

Yet, she wouldn't go back if that meant Miranda wouldn't exist.

"You know, as much as I'm enjoying this, I think it's time for me to go." Jane said quietly. "As much as I'd love to stay longer, for all we know, Bertram's hiding out there watching my every move. Everyone knows I stayed behind to help tidy up; but, it's past time for all of that to be done."

"I guess you're right." Lisbon reluctantly agreed knowing the farther her pregnancy advanced, the more she longed for his presence.

"You know I'm right." Jane dropped another kiss on the top of her head. "You just don't want to accept it."

"Do you?" Lisbon challenged.

"What do you think?" In spite of his question, Jane refused to engage. "Whether either of us wants to accept the truth or not it's still the truth. You know that. Things have to be as they have to be."

"I guess they do." Lisbon agreed resting her head against his shoulder. "I'll see you at work tomorrow."

"I'll be there." Jane touched her cheek reassuringly as he grabbed his jacket from the chair. "The room looks nice. You did a good job."

Yes, he'd repeated that statement for like a thousand times; but, Lisbon needed to hear it. Really hear it and know it was true. She also needed to know he was grateful for the role she'd allowed him to play.

Nodding, Lisbon silently acknowledge his comment as she watched Jane walk out the door. After tomorrow she was on Maternity Leave. Her doctors were giving her one day to wrap up loose ends then she was done…One last Friday…She'd have the weekend to get used to the idea and Monday to realize her life had irrevocably changed for the next few months. So much for working up to the last moments. Her doctors felt it was too much stress. Her blood pressure was a little bit erratic and she was getting much too tired among other things.

She would have to ride out those last three or four weeks hanging out at her place with her feet elevated and a good book in her hand.

Something about that scenario sounded like a dream come true.

Unfortunately, all dreams have to come to an end. At some point, Jane's kid was coming out. Lisbon had a feeling getting her in there had been a lot more pleasant than getting her out would prove to be. Feelings aside, it wasn't going to be too long before she saw Jane's daughter. Before she held their child in her hands. She honestly couldn't wait.

The only downside to the joyous moment was Miranda's daddy couldn't be by her side.


	15. Chapter 14

A/N: Thank you for the reviews and for reading this story. Thank you also for just letting me write this thing without the flames. I've sincerely appreciated the range of comments whether you were telling me you hated the beginning of this story, disagreed with my portrayal, expressed your disappointment in Jane, or just said you've liked the story, etc. The various emotional responses are what I was going for and expected. If this story doesn't make you feel _something –_ I've failed miserably as a writer. Thank you again. ~Calla

#

Staring at the phone for the thousandth time, Lisbon reached into the cabinet to remove a glass. Pouring some random juice from a bottle, she took a sip not even tasting it before setting the glass aside in disgust. Too bad she couldn't have what she really wanted. A nice glass of wine would hit the spot about now and take the edge off her frazzled nerves. However, that one glass of wine was off limits indefinitely so she'd have to grin and bear it. As badly as she needed to call Jane, she wouldn't. That was off limits, too. It wasn't his problem she was feeling alone and vulnerable in a way she hadn't before. Having free time on her hands wasn't good for her and two weeks of it was two weeks too much. She was thinking way too much.

Actually, she was thinking about Jane. The man was where she wasn't doing what she couldn't do. He was actually _working_ and doing a darned good job of it from what she'd heard.

Bertram had loaned him out to another team a couple of weeks ago on some complicated high-classed murder for hire scheme. Another one of those "Hell hath no fury" cases with the perpetrator a whole lot smarter than the wives usually were. Jane may have met his match in the ex-model turned Molecular Biologist. She clearly wasn't making it easy for him or the case would already be closed. It wasn't. Instead, Jane was immersed in a challenge that involved a whole lot of hobnobbing with the shakers and movers he'd courted so well once upon a time. Actually, he still handled them well when he wanted to. She had no doubt he had them eating out of his hand. The women anyway. In fact, he was probably flirting with his person of interest.

If she didn't miss her guess, Kelsey O'Toole was flirting back.

There was something about a dangerous woman that drew that man like a moth to a flame. Fortunately, for the sake of the case, the attraction was usually reciprocated. She'd seen it too many times. She'd even been concerned a couple of times.

Now, the idea just made her mad.

Or maybe it was simply the reality no one really knew exactly where Jane was or what he was up to that angered her…Just that he was hot on the trail of _something_ …She could imagine what that something was…It had long platinum blonde hair, pouty lips, and legs up to there...She'd seen photographs of the luscious widow on the news.

And Jane was hunting _that_.

No wonder he wasn't catering to her needs. Not that he ever really had. But, she'd been able to call him every now and again as she did the rest of the team without raising eyebrows. His occasional appearances at her place were noted and dismissed as nothing unusual. Just more of the same old same old: Jane doing something unforgivable then seeking forgiveness at any cost. Well, he had a lot to make up for. He'd been a total ass throughout most of Lisbon's pregnancy. He owed her big time for not shooting him and putting everyone out of their misery.

Dropping by to help her out with a few things was the least he could do.

While there wasn't much she needed, Lisbon was grateful he always made a grocery store run on his way in. Not that she couldn't do it. But, shopping was a hassle now. She didn't enjoy it like she used to. Mostly it tired her out. If she was going to get tired out, she'd much rather do it on a nice walk around the park near her house. The scenery was a whole lot prettier.

Speaking of pretty scenery, maybe she'd take that walk now. Or maybe she'd answer the door instead. Grabbing her pistol from a drawer, Lisbon peered through the peephole before unlocking the door and opening it wide enough for Jane to slide through.

"I thought you were working." She followed him into the kitchen not missing the bags in his hands. "You don't look like you're working to me."

"I am." Jane continued putting the groceries away. "But, just because I have a case doesn't mean you don't need to eat."

"Thanks, but you don't have to put yourself out. I can go to the grocery store when I need to." Lisbon gently reminded him. "I've done it for years. Being pregnant doesn't change that."

"Why use the energy when you don't have to?" Jane walked over to give Lisbon a short, casual hug. As much as he'd like to wrap her in a real embrace and hold her tightly, it was smarter to keep some distance between them. Doing otherwise was too confusing for both of them. "Save it for those walks you enjoy more."

"I can do that." Lisbon agreed. "How long can you stay?"

"A while." Jane popped his cup in the microwave and pushed the proper buttons. "I don't have anywhere to be tonight. I can't say the same about tomorrow or the next day." Removing his cup, he plopped a bag in the water and covered the rim with a saucer. "There's this ridiculous society luncheon to raise money for some cause or the other and a dinner tomorrow night. All the players will be there including our Killer Want-To-Be. With any luck I'll be able to tighten the noose and we'll be done."

If not, he had a "date" the next night; but, he wasn't sharing that. Somehow he didn't think Lisbon would understand his having dinner with another woman. Even if it was all work related and nothing he truly wanted to do. He was hoping to trap O'Toole in her lies in a more intimate setting and be done.

"That close, huh?" Somehow, Lisbon wasn't surprised. "In just a couple of weeks?"

"Kelsey isn't as smart as she thinks she is." Jane tossed the tea bag in the trash bin under the sink and took a sip ignoring the slight rise of Lisbon's eyebrow.

Yeah, he'd gotten fairly close to the woman. So what? It didn't mean anything and he hadn't crossed any lines. Not if you didn't count that kiss. The one he hadn't instigated and hadn't really enjoyed. Not much anyway. Who was he kidding? There wasn't a man in the world who wouldn't enjoy a kiss from a beautiful woman a little bit and Kelsey O'Toole was quite lovely. Even if she tried to tone it down behind glasses and a white lab coat.

Refusing to look at Lisbon, Jane mentally drop kicked that painful twinge of guilt he'd responded to the woman at all into the farthest recesses of his Memory Palace. He'd been doing his _job_ and nothing more _._ Taking one for the team came with the territory. What truly mattered was the thought of taking it farther _never_ crossed his mind.

Savoring another sip of tea, he decided it wasn't that bad. While he usually preferred the whole kettle and coddle method, he'd gotten used to making his tea on the run at the CBI. While not as satisfying, it worked in a crunch.

"Book smart, yes, criminal mastermind, not so much." Jane explained. "She's left a pretty incriminating trail if you know where to look. It's circumstantial at the moment; but, I'll have proof soon enough."

Lisbon nodded.

From what Jane was saying, he knew where to look and what he would find.

"Frankly, I'm getting bored with the game so it's time for a wrap." Jane continued. "I'm ready to come back to the team where I belong."

What he was getting bored with was the time this case was taking away from his pursuit of Red John. Watching Lisbon sip her juice, he couldn't help thinking the more time he spent on his trail, the safer she would be. The longer he was distracted by other cases, the more danger she was in. Their situation was fast coming to a head. If things went according to plan, his daughter would be here in a couple of weeks give or take a few days. Until that happened and for a while after, Lisbon would be more vulnerable than she'd ever been. Just because Red John hadn't acted yet didn't mean he wouldn't. He'd proven that time and again.

The truth was none of them had any idea what he knew, what he suspected, or what the freak was thinking. That was a very dangerous place to be.

Jane couldn't help thinking the monster was just biding his time. Determining his next course of action. Once Miranda was born, they couldn't relax. One tiny slip up was all it would take. Something as innocuous as a random comment Miranda resembled him could trigger Red John to act. He hoped she looked like Lisbon for all their sakes. Once his nemesis learned the truth, and he surely would one day, their time was up. He'd come after his girls with a vengeance. Jane was sure of it.

He had to do everything in his power to delay that as long as he could.

Or, preferably, ensure it never happened.

Hopefully, he'd kill or cage the monster long before that time. In the interim, he and the team were keeping a watch on things as much as they could. But, it wasn't like they had the round the clock surveillance they really needed. Or they could get it. There wasn't just cause in spite of Red John's past actions. More importantly, they couldn't be sure any officers sent to protect Lisbon weren't working for the other side. That wasn't a risk they could afford to take.

Emptying his cup, Jane quickly washed it before reaching for Lisbon's glass.

"Your ankles look a little swollen today." Actually, they looked a lot swollen; but, not abnormally so. Just in that way indicating Lisbon had been on her feet when she should be resting. "You want a foot rub?"

Jane made his usual offer and got the expected result. Lisbon gladly took him up on it. Since he was responsible for her predicament, he might as well do what he could to fix it. Watching her turn to head for the stairs, Jane shook his head in disbelief. If he didn't know better, he wouldn't think Lisbon was pregnant from the back. She didn't show it the way some women did. Following her into her bedroom, Jane didn't think anything about what was happening. He usually ended up giving her a foot massage once or twice a week. She usually ended up snoring long before he was done. Motioning for Lisbon to get in place, Jane stripped down to his shirt sleeves before assuming his position at the foot of the bed.

"You're overdoing it." Not thrilled by his comment, Lisbon rolled her eyes at him.

"How can I overdo anything?" She wiggled her toes. "There's nothing to do around here but rearrange baby clothes."

"Right." Jane clearly didn't believe her. "Then you're doing it too much."

"Jane, all I do is eat and sleep." Lisbon groused refusing to admit she took several walks a day. Jane didn't like her being out and about on her own. She wasn't concerned and he worried too much. The park by her complex was far too busy for a Red John attack. "I have to do something or I'll go crazy. I can only read so much."

"You need to take better care of yourself." Jane gently place her foot on the bed. "Rest. Enjoy the peace and quiet while you can. You won't be getting nearly enough sleep once Miranda is born."

"I'd rather be working." Lisbon scooted over and rolled on her side to allow Jane to sit behind her. "You know this isn't what I had planned. I wanted to work until the end and you know why."

To stop her from losing her mind out of boredom.

"That's not how things worked out. Like it or not, you have to do what's best for you and your baby." Jane began gently working the tension in her neck increasing the firmness as he went along. "You'll be back at work long before you're ready."

"You think?" Lisbon felt the knots disappearing as he slowly worked his way down her back. "I know what you're doing is difficult from that angle; but, it feels heavenly."

"Good." Jane continued his handiwork on her lower back for a few more minutes before dropping a kiss on her shoulder. "All done."

"That feels so much better." Lisbon rolled on her back surprised when Jane's hand suddenly came to rest on her belly. "Seriously, Jane?" In spite of the eyebrow threatening to go through the roof, Lisbon made no move to stop him from removing her tank. "There's nothing about me right now that's remotely a turn on."

"Speak for yourself." Jane untied her yoga pants.

"We'll both regret this later." Lisbon gently reminded him. "You know that."

"I'll take my chances." Jane responded. "I've missed you."

That Lisbon allowed his actions to continue confirmed she'd missed him too.

#

Taking a sip of tea, Jane set his cup aside and closed his eyes. He couldn't believe he'd allowed this to happen again. Be real. He hadn't allowed it. He'd instigated it. Not seeing Lisbon the past couple of weeks had weighed heavily on him. That stupid, meaningless kiss had weighed heavily on him. The fact he'd missed her more than he thought possible had weighed heavily on him. He'd worried about her more than he ever had. He'd wanted to be by her side protecting her though Lisbon could protect herself better than anyone he knew. However, that didn't change the fact he shouldn't have done what he did. They hadn't been together since she'd called him all those months ago for a booty call and they shouldn't have been together today.

Making love to Lisbon was the last thing he needed to do. For both their sakes. It drove his impotence home in a way nothing else had.

"Stop beating yourself up." Waddling into the kitchen swathed in her favorite robe, Lisbon took a sip of his tea. "This was bound to happen again…I just didn't expect it before the baby was born…Like I said, there's nothing remotely appealing about this."

She swept her hand over the curve of her belly.

"There's something appealing or it wouldn't have happened the first time." Jane corrected refusing to meet her eyes. "That something didn't go away just because your body changed."

"I guess it didn't." Lisbon forced her way into his arms. "For either of us. I know we've both been in a bad place for a long time; but, we can't lose hope. This has to end one day."

But that didn't guarantee they'd be together or even that they'd want to be when the time came.

She wasn't even sure Jane truly wanted to be with her now. He'd admitting to wanting her and to loving Miranda. He'd also admitted he didn't want a child much less a daughter. She just wasn't sure how any of that worked. How one person split themselves apart and locked their feelings away in so many different compartments. She couldn't do it.

However, if anyone could, Jane was cuckoo enough on a good day to pull it off.

Forget that neither of them had really had a good day in a very long time.

While she understood Jane's feelings, as she understood almost everything about him, Lisbon wasn't sure she could get past the last few months. She wanted to. She truly did. But, her mother's heart couldn't forget his initial rejection of her pregnancy nor could she forget his second when he learned her baby was a girl. On some level, it didn't matter he'd grown to love their daughter.

He still didn't _want_ her and that was more than unforgivable.

It was incomprehensible.

At least to her.

Besides, things were nowhere near as complex as he'd made them. Not for her. They were actually pretty simple. She loved Jane. She loved Miranda. Jane loved her or she thought he did. He'd admitted he loved Miranda. They were a family. They should be standing united against Red John with pistols drawn.

Not hiding in the shadows denying the truth.

While she understood Jane's fears, and knew he was right to a point, she resented the distance he'd put between them. Resented the nights he wasn't in her bed. Resented they days they didn't ride into work together. Resented those special moments he'd refused to attend like doctor's appointments and sonograms. Not that he could have done any of that without raising some mighty strong questions…but still…Resented he wasn't there for her in those moments she needed him most like holding her hair through her morning sickness.

While not the most pleasant situation, she was sure he'd done it for Angela and felt an unexpected flare of jealousy. Tamping down on her emotions, she refused to resent his _wife_ for having Jane. Unlike her, she'd been entitled to his attentions.

Maybe if things had happened differently….

She so wasn't going there. The thought of marrying Jane wasn't something she could afford to contemplate. She'd lose it if she did. Glancing at Jane's face, she instinctively knew he didn't feel the same. Wasn't sure it would ever end. He was wrong. It was going to end. She was as sure of that as she was the sun would rise in the morning.

She just didn't know when.

Or if she'd be here to appreciate Red John's death or incarceration. Shaking that thought she turned her attention to Jane. Chin resting on her head, he was rubbing her back in that way signaling he was preparing to bolt. Hugging him a little tighter, Lisbon decided to enjoy the moment as long as she could. She wouldn't get another chance before Miranda was born. She knew Jane too well. He would stay as far away from her as he could for the next few days. In fact, she probably wouldn't see him again until he appeared in her hospital room with Rigsby and Cho to tell her what a cute kid she had.

The amount of groceries he'd brought pretty much signaled his intent. It was probably also part of why he'd given in to his longings and bedded her. Besides knowing that was probably his last chance, he could make his escape guilt free. Between what she had stored in her pantry and her freezer and the fresh food he'd brought, she was set for the next couple of weeks. However, from the way she was looking and feeling, Lisbon seriously doubted Miranda would wait that long to make her appearance. Feeling Jane's hand resting openly on her belly in a way it never had, Lisbon was mildly surprised when he leaned in to kiss her lips.

"I should probably go." Jane said quietly. "I doubt I'll see you again before she's born." Lisbon didn't halt the crass thought that he finally had enough balls to admit that. "I'll be busy the next few days and I don't think it's safe. I'll come to the hospital when it's time."

Nodding at what she'd known was coming, Lisbon stepped away from him allowing Jane to wash his cup.

"It probably isn't." Lisbon agreed hating him for being right. "I'll see you then."

"Yeah, you will." Jane put his cup in the cabinet feeling the distance yawning between then again. "The team will expect me."

Lisbon resisted the knee jerk urge to slap him for making it sound like he didn't want to be at the birth of his child. Well, he wouldn't exactly be there would he? Not hardly. She'd be doing all the work alone and he'd be in the waiting room with everyone else.

"Jane, just go already." The rapidly developing awkwardness between them was painfully suffocating. "I'll be fine. I need to gestate in peace and you have a case to solve."

Taking her at her word, Jane hesitated a moment before thinking better of it and doing exactly as she commanded.

Watching him turn the lock and pull the door behind him, Lisbon tossed a pillow at the door. The man was such a stupid jerk at times. He wasn't supposed to go. He was supposed to grow a backbone and stay. He was supposed to go to her doctor's appointment in a couple of days. And, most importantly, he was supposed to tell Red John, "Screw You!" for both of them.

But, he hadn't and he wasn't.

He'd acted just like she thought he would. He'd left with his tail between his legs putting her safety above them. What a stupid ass. Snatching the pillow from the floor, Lisbon finished securing the door before tossing the pillow on the couch and heading upstairs to call Grace.

Maybe talking baby stuff with the other woman would calm her down.


	16. Chapter 15

This one might get a rewrite. Haven't made up my mind.~Calla

#

Taking a sip of wine, Jane glanced at his sexy companion. Kelsey had gone all out to make the package appealing. There was no denying the woman was a beauty from the top of her naturally pale blonde head to the ends of her nude tipped toes to the classically tasteful black wrap dress subtly enhancing every curve in between. God help him, those shimmery, kissably full lips were more tempting than he wanted to admit.

Thinking of an emerald eyed pixie rapidly ripening with his child, Jane concluded he hated slanty-eyed females playing twisted sexual games.

No matter how lovely they were.

Including the woman sitting across from him artfully stroking a part of his anatomy beneath the table that didn't belong to her with very elegant toes…Brazen bitch…Even Erica hadn't been so forward…Forcing himself to remain calm and react contrary to the revulsion he was really feeling, Jane rebuffed her advances by gently pushing her foot back where it belonged.

Shifting in a way to make her intent impossible, Jane smiled reassuringly feeling anything but.

He was actually outraged; but, the stupid wench couldn't take a hint. She honestly believed her beauty had him snowed. Far from it. While a part of him might be responding to her overtures in a way he wished it wouldn't, _he_ wasn't. He was very much thinking with his big head. He also much preferred misty verdant eyes and subtle imperfections to contact enhanced icy blues and gifted rhinoplasty few could ever detect. Taking a sip of his wine he forced himself to be charming in spite of a strong desire to say "to hell with it" and throw the case.

He was too close to the final pay off to give up now.

Too close to stopping a woman who thought she would win everything instead of paying the Piper for infidelity and murder.

All she'd needed to do was keep her panties on a few months longer. But she hadn't. Even knowing her husband was terminal and she had an iron clad prenupt that could cost her everything. She'd thought she could have it _her_ way. That O'Toole was so in love he'd overlook her betrayal as the forgivable faux pas of a trophy wife.

Her mistake.

Her mogul husband hadn't viewed her the way she thought he had. He'd believed her the real deal until she'd proven him wrong. The fact no one knew the seriousness of his illness beyond her and their lawyers should have clued her she was a very important person in his life. To be a good wife instead of looking for her next meal ticket now that she'd hit the big time. The payoff for having a little common sense would have been immense. Any man who wasn't about to let the world know the truth of his condition and risk his stocks plummeting or leaving his companies vulnerable for hostile take-overs until the new guard was in place, would have ensured his beloved bride was provided for beyond her wildest dreams. Jane knew he was right.

He'd seen the will.

He also knew that wasn't happening now.

The witch was going down.

Kelsey O'Toole had fallen prey to one of the oldest motivations in the world which didn't surprise him. As far as Jane was concerned, she'd practiced the oldest profession and prostituted herself to the highest bidder. She'd had an affair with one of her husband's closest "friends" fully intending to become the next misses once the current misses was let go. Needless to say, O'Toole had reacted as one would expect and called his divorce attorney when he discovered his wife's straying into greener fields. Somehow his lovely bride got wind of his intent and her husband was dead from "natural causes" before he got a chance to sign the new will being drawn up even as he lay dying.

Fortunately, someone in the M.E.'s office had realized something wasn't quiet natural about those "natural causes" and alerted the proper authorities.

Unfortunately, Kelsey and her cohorts had proven a bit too wily for the SAC PD. Two of the three guilty parties had escaped to countries sorely lacking extradition treaties before they were arrested while the not-so-grieving widow chose to remain behind and flaunt her innocence. All in all, not the smartest move she could make since it led to her finding herself seated across the dinner table from the one man capable of unraveling her best laid plans.

Apologizing for the interruption, Jane answered his vibrating phone praying the while it was Blaisedale calling to say his hunch paid off.

Hearing the other man saying what he needed to hear, Jane politely excused himself and rose from the table. Leaving his companion happily sipping champagne and blissfully unaware her world as she knew it was about to come crashing around her ears, he made his way to entrance of the restaurant instead of the Men's Room as he'd claimed. Nodding to his SAC in passing, Jane tucked his phone in his pocket as he exited the revolving door. Heading for his car, he decided his presence was no longer necessary.

He knew how the story ended. The whole restaurant would see a prominent socialite departing in cuffs. Personally, he didn't need to see that happen yet again. Not considering he had a better place to be.

Sliding behind the wheel of his car, Jane started the ignition and rested his head against the steering wheel. In spite of his best intentions, he had a crazy compulsion to drop by Lisbon's place. It didn't matter it had only been a couple of days since he'd last seen her. He wanted to share his triumph. Let her know he'd closed another one for the team. Well, not their team; but, Blaisedale's. Lisbon would still be excited for him, for a fellow SAC she respected, and excited another criminal would spend the next few years in jail.

Hearing that would make her day…night…whatever.

Hitting his signal light and pulling out of the parking lot, Jane made a U-Turn and headed in the familiar direction. Even with heavy traffic patterns and driving across town, he should be at Lisbon's place in less than an hour. She wouldn't mind him dropping by for a few. He was fairly sure she wouldn't.

It wasn't all that late.

#

Unlocking her apartment door, Lisbon couldn't stop thinking Jane would have her head for this latest escapade. He wouldn't be happy she'd walked around the complex after dark. Not that he had any right to feel anything; but, he would. Well, he could just get over it. What he didn't know wouldn't hurt him. It wasn't like she'd gone into any creepy alleyways. Just stayed with the rest of the crowd. In fact, she'd walked and talked with a couple of old acquaintances she'd gotten to know fairly well around the pool over the years. She'd had a good time doing it too.

It was better than sitting around thinking about what Jane was doing.

Grace had accidentally let slip what her Consultant was really up to and how he was going about trapping his quarry on their last conversation. So much for talking baby stuff. And it hadn't exactly been accidental since she didn't know she needed to keep his activities on the down low. She'd just been wanting to keep her Boss up to date. She had no idea they were together…had been together…had made a baby together…Whatever.

Removing her shoulder harness and laying it on a table, Lisbon silently admitted she didn't really want to put a name to the mess she'd made of her life.

Anyways, Van Pelt was excited the case might be ending tonight however Jane did it. Glancing at her watch, Lisbon realized the man was probably arriving at the table to start his "date" right about now. One taking place at an exclusive restaurant she'd always wanted to try with a superhot, genius, ex-model chick who looked a damned sight better than she did at the moment. Not that she could ever compete with an augmented, tow headed, blue eyed vamp with nothing to lose if she didn't have a baby belly.

She wasn't arrogant enough to think she could.

Draining her water bottle, Lisbon set the empty container on her coffee table before flopping on her couch and staring up at that spot on the ceiling that shouldn't be there. She had no idea how it got there. She truly didn't. But, she thought Jane might be to blame. Who knew what the man was doing on those nights he'd slept on her couch.

He could have been throwing pencils up there for all she knew.

She'd gone on her walk in the first place because the thought of Jane on a date agitated her. Even one that was work related. Not that she had the right either. She didn't. But, she was p.o.'d he'd kept that little tidbit to himself. He should have told her about it. She'd have understood. Work was work. No, she wouldn't have. She'd have just gone on a lot more walks. As it was, she'd gotten so wound up in her conversation this evening that she'd walked a good while longer than she should have. Now she was paying for it. She'd rest a few minutes before getting up and fixing something to eat. It wouldn't kill Miranda to get fed an hour or two later than usual.

Besides, she couldn't roll her Beluga belly off the couch and haul her wide load into the kitchen right now if she wanted to.

Forget her rumbling belly.

Closing her eyes, Lisbon felt herself drifting away. She was so tired and not just from her walk. Her daughter had decided to dance and kick box a lot more than usual the last couple of days. It was like the more cramped her space got in there, the more she wanted to make her presence known. Resting her hand on her belly, Lisbon slid into the welcoming darkness knowing she'd doze twenty minutes at most, maybe a little longer.

Her kid would see to that.

#

Pulling into the parking lot as he'd done a thousand times before, Jane tried not to think about the three other significant times he'd done this insignificant activity. Or the fact it was a little later than he'd planned. That wreck had added a good forty-five minutes to his trip. Searching for the right key on his ring, he pondered whether he was doing the right thing in coming here. He'd told Lisbon he would be tied up tonight. That he wouldn't see her until Miranda's birth.

He'd meant it at the time; but, he didn't exactly feel that way anymore.

Walking up to the door, he pressed the doorbell a couple of times. Glancing at his watch, he decided Lisbon should have answered by now. She'd slowed down some. Just not this much. Maybe she was in the shower. She certainly hadn't gone anywhere. Her car was in the usual space. He'd noticed that as he drove in.

Maybe he'd use his key this one time.

Lisbon would understand his desire to check on her.

Pushing the door open a crack, Jane's first thought was things were entirely too quiet…Maybe Lisbon was sleeping…His next was there was entirely too much blood where there shouldn't be any….

Quickly cataloging what he was seeing, Jane realized Lisbon had ambled into the kitchen to get something to eat only to get attacked from behind by someone who was already in her apartment…It was clear she'd fought back…Got off a shot from the looks of things….

Catching the faint rise and fall of her chest, Jane thanked the God he didn't believe in for small blessings as he knelt by the couch. Grabbing his phone from his pocket he placed a calm, deliberate call listing her injuries. The ones he could see anyway. Punching the button, Jane tucked his phone in his pocket confident help was on the way. If he didn't miss his guess a helicopter would be landing in the well-lit parking lot to carry Lisbon to the nearest Trauma Unit in a matter of minutes.

Cho would make that happen ASAP.

Leaning in to brush his lips against Lisbon's cheek, Jane reached down to grasp her hand reassuringly. He didn't need to be a doctor to note she was in the throes of Hypovolemic Shock. Stage Two moving into Stage Three if the confusion beginning to cloud her eyes was any indication. While he didn't think anything vital was hit, she'd been bleeding out much too long already. The crimson pool leaching into the cushions beneath her proved it.

Red John's intent was far more sinister than a quick, easy death.

He'd have slit her throat if he'd wanted that. But, he hadn't. He'd done enough damage to ensure a slow, lingering death was imminent without the intervention he knew wasn't coming. He also hadn't struck anywhere near her womb. He'd wanted Miranda to live.

At least until Lisbon exsanguinated.

As she would have surely done if his plans hadn't changed.

She wouldn't have been calling for help even if she could. Her land lines were cut and her cell phone lay busted in plain sight. The sick bastard. Feeling himself start to shake, Jane quickly got his emotions in check. With every passing moment it became clear Red John had known far more they thought he did. Exactly how and when he'd discovered his nuggets was anyone's guess.

But, the man was obviously more in the loop than they'd realized. He'd known about the case Jane was working and his plans for tonight. Known he'd be occupied with a "date." That wasn't a big surprise. They'd known for years he had moles in the CBI. He'd also known he had no intentions of seeing Lisbon any time soon and why. The only way he could have discovered that was if he had some means of overhearing their conversation a couple of nights ago they couldn't detect. That meant Red John also knew conclusively that Miranda was his child. Why else strike now?

Who knew.

Maybe he'd known all along and waited…Jane wouldn't put that past the fiend.

Closing his eyes, Jane went deep inside and realized, no, Red John hadn't known Miranda was his. He'd had his suspicions; but, not the proof. Not until they'd acted so foolishly the other night and given him everything he needed to put his next move in play exactly as he done.

He'd gotten into her place while she was out on one of her walks.

The fact she was still wearing active wear and sneakers attested to that fact. He'd bided his time and struck when Lisbon hadn't seen him coming. Probably soon after she'd collapsed on the couch for a nap as she usually did after one of her jaunts. That she'd overdone it was apparent by the way he was confident things had played out. She'd probably been asleep two minutes after she locked the door.

She'd awoken a few moments later and ambled into the kitchen only to get confronted by her worst nightmare.

It was evident from the bloody scene around him, she'd put up a fight she hadn't won in the end. That much was clear. Red John had probably done the damage before she'd really had time to react. She'd only been hit four, no five, times before she'd been out of commission. Red John had then left her to die a slow, painful death with their child within her. He'd been confident that would happen.

Van Pelt would have found her cold, drained body in the morning when she came by to take Lisbon to her Obstetrics appointment. He would have spent the rest of his life mourning the loss of his second family. Lamenting he might have saved them had he been where he wanted to be.

Well, the game had changed.

He was where he was supposed to be and Lisbon wasn't dying.

Not if he could help it.

Opening his eyes, Jane squeezed Lisbon's hand and forced her to look at him.

"Lisbon, hang in there." He commanded firmly resisting the desire to sweep her up and head for the hospital. That was the last thing he needed to do for any number of reasons. The main one that came to mind was they'd get caught in traffic. They were far better off waiting for whatever Cho pulled together. "Help's on the way."

Nodding slightly, she squeezed his hand in a way signaling she wasn't giving up.

"Bertram's gone." Jane continued conversationally fighting to keep her attention engaged. "Cho just informed me he walked out of his office around four o'clock and never came back which isn't like him. Poofed into thin air. There's an APB out on him. Right now they're making it sound like he's an innocent man and the victim of possible foul play. We both know better. He's up to his eyeballs in cahoots with Red John, the slimy bastard."

Catching a second nod, Jane turned at the sound of a key in the lock. Seeing Cho enter followed by the Emergency Response Team, he prepared to get out of the way. He'd heard the helicopter land and he was glad Lisbon had given her second-in-command a spare key. Releasing her hand, Jane retreated to a spot where he could keep his eyes on the action. Make sure there was no funny stuff. While those guys were professionals, he didn't know who, if anyone, among them might be a Red John tool. It wouldn't do for Lisbon to suddenly die between here and there although, from what he could see, that was a likely possibility without any help.

If she suddenly skidded into and through Stage Three to Stage Four, death was pretty much a foregone conclusion.

He doubted Miranda would survive the trauma even if Lisbon did.

Shaking off that thought and the stab of pain accompanying it, he realized the team needed to get a move on. The stain on the floor had increased substantially just since he'd gotten here. They needed to start replacing fluids and get Lisbon on the way to stabilization or they might as well sign her Death Certificate now. Catching Cho's eye, Jane took a step forward before stopping as the I.V. lines were started and Lisbon was lifted on the gurney. Eavesdropping on the conversation, Jane relaxed somewhat as he overheard they were starting a transfusion as soon as she got on board the helicopter.

It seemed they'd come prepared.

Watching them head for the helicopter, Jane fought back the urge to demand they let him ride along. He knew that wasn't possible and Cho wouldn't let him. They needed to let the professionals do their job. Even if he didn't fully trust them. Watching Lisbon fly off, Jane stood silently watching the machine quickly vanish from sight.

"We'll leave as soon as Rigsby and Van Pelt get here." Cho's tone brooked no arguments. "There's a doctor on board that helicopter with all of Lisbon's medical information and there's nothing we can do at the hospital except wait. We need to lock down the crime scene and make sure nothing gets compromised. We also need to figure out how he got into Lisbon's apartment."

From the little he'd seen, it wasn't a B & E.

"It's not that difficult to by-pass a deadbolt when you've got the key or a security system when you break the code." Jane supplied watching the parking lot with intent and thinking the sooner the crew got here, the sooner they could get to Emergency. "Somebody somewhere got a hold of everything they needed right beneath our noses. I'm betting they're here in one of these buildings. Probably someone Lisbon has known and trusted for years. Maybe in management or maintenance. None of us would really think that much about a familiar face that was always here. Lisbon didn't help matters by taking that walk after dark." It didn't matter her complex was well lighted and safe enough for the average person, he'd warned her to stay inside and keep a close eye on her environment. "Her absence provided an opportunity for him to take."

"That's not fair." Cho watched the Forensics Crew unloading as Rigsby and Van Pelt got out of their car. "We both know the Boss wasn't careless so don't even go there. Besides, it's stupid to think the woman should stop living because some psycho might suddenly decide to act." Jane ignored Cho's censoring look. "Everyone's here now. Let me get them started and we'll go."

"Actually, you get things started and I'll meet you there." Jane made a break for it knowing Cho wouldn't stop him now that he had something more important than keeping him in line to occupy his time. "Keep me posted on what's happening here and I'll keep you posted on everything else."

"Whatever." Cho turned to waiting Forensics Specialist before turning back towards Jane to issue one last command. "Keep your nose clean."

"Right." Jane snorted in that way saying he wasn't making any promises before walking away.

Watching him leave, Cho rolled his eyes before turning back to the crew. He'd worry about Jane later. Right now he had more important matters on his hands. Like stopping her attacker from coming after Lisbon again. Especially since he'd noticed something Jane hadn't. Or he thought he had.

All he needed now was a Forensic confirmation his theory was right.


	17. Chapter 16

A/N: Sorry for the delay. It isn't a case of this story getting abandoned. It's a case of having to flesh out these last few chapters since they keep changing on me around a full time job and other RL commitments. I'd say there's 3 possibly 4 more chapters counting this one before we're done. Thank you for your patience and for sticking with this story. ~Calla

#

Jane paced the hall for the thousandth time. Not literally of course; but, it felt like it. Glancing at his watch, he realized it had been six long hours since he'd made his escape from Lisbon's apartment. It had taken him a good forty-five minutes to reach the hospital and twenty minutes more to find his way to the proper Unit.

Computers aside, the hospital staff hadn't been all that cooperative. Whether that had to do with how fast information was entered in the system or a general reluctance to divulge the location of a badly injured law enforcement agent Jane could care less. What did matter was he hadn't gotten what he needed in a timely manner.

When he finely had, he'd found himself directed to a sterile waiting room and left to his own devices.

Fortunately, Cho and the rest of the team had arrived a quarter hour later. It was a good thing, too. Jane had been on the verge of breaking his non-promise to keep his nose clean. He was ready to start busting into those rooms with the tightly drawn curtains one by one until he finally located Lisbon. In the five hours since, they'd only seen a medical professional once. Jane didn't know if they'd been talking to doctors or nurses as he hadn't thought to look.

That very fact attested to how shaken he was.

Stepping back into the waiting room he glanced over at the team. The fact no one was talking spoke volumes about how shaken they were. Cho was pretending to read a magazine, Rigsby was staring into space, and Van Pelt was sneaking a nap with her head on her husband's shoulder. Taking a seat, one he knew he wouldn't occupy long, Jane felt sorry for the lot of them. This shouldn't have happened and they weren't taking it well. Whatever one might say about Lisbon and her quirky team of misfits, they were damned good agents and loyal to a fault.

More than that, they were family…Maybe a bit dysfunctional…But a family nonetheless…And Lisbon was the glue that held them together.

On that thought, Jane rose to his feet with a new determination. They hadn't seen hide nor hair of anyone in pushing four hours and he was done with it. If he had to make a scene, he was going to get answers. Feeling Cho's eyes boring into his back, Jane shot him a look daring him to interfere with his plans.

So not happening.

Stepping into the hall, Jane was mildly surprised to see a doctor striding towards the mostly deserted waiting room. Apparently, they weren't that busy tonight. Not in the Trauma Unit. Or they were treating Lisbon away from the general public. Considering how hard it had been to get her location in spite of flashing his CBI Badge, that was probably closer to the truth. Cho probably suggested it. The hospital probably went along without much of a fight.

Letting a prominent law enforcement office get assassinated on their watch wouldn't be conducive to a positive public image after all.

Aware that Cho had followed him into the hall, Jane waited for the doctor to stop in front of him before beating the other man to the punch.

"I'm going in." Jane's tone was quiet but forceful with intent as he stared the doctor down. "I need to see my partner."

He wasn't above using semantics to get what he wanted considering everyone present already knew their patient was a cop. Even if what he was saying was technically true, he didn't mean "partner" in the way they thought. Not hardly. He meant it in the truest sense of the word and the only way that really mattered under the circumstances.

"You can't." Jane focused on the tall, blonde giant defiantly. "Agent Lisbon is being prepped for delivery."

"She's what?" Jane's heart dropped to his feet. "Since I fathered the child your patient is carrying it's in your best interest to bring me up to speed."

Jane cut his eyes to Cho silencing him with a "We'll talk later." glare.

"Yes, we will." Cho responded to the silent command not bothering to hide his shock at Jane's bold declaration before turning to the Chief of Staff curiously watching the whole exchange. "I'd tell him what he wants to know."

Cho voiced his instant acceptance knowing Jane's declaration was far more likely to be true than otherwise. It wasn't in his best interests to claim a child who wasn't his and the man rarely did anything that didn't benefit him. While that wasn't always true; most of the time it was. Even if for the life of him he couldn't see how any of this benefitted Jane.

Not in the long run.

Turning his attention back where it belonged, Jane suddenly found his questions quickly answered and forms being shoved in his hands. Barely reading what he was signing, he granted the necessary permission to do what had to be done. While he wasn't sure about the legality of any of it, he didn't really blame the hospital for trying to cover their rears. They didn't have any proof he was really Miranda's father; but, they couldn't afford to call him a liar either. If nothing else, exposing the truth was getting him a small say in Lisbon's treatment. It was also getting him in the delivery room. While he was powerless to actually do anything, at least he could see what was happening behind closed doors.

Like it or not, his girls' lives were in the hands of complete strangers he wasn't sure he could trust.

Following the nurse who'd taken him to change, Jane gazed over the machines taking in every beep and whorl. He was more familiar with some of them than he wanted to admit. Turning his attention back to the action, he regretted his second child wasn't entering the world much as his first one had.

With her father lovingly holding her mother's hand.

As things stood, he was tucked out of the way over Lisbon's shoulder watching a staff of highly trained professionals standing at the ready to deal with a highly delicate situation that could go South at any moment. From the sounds around him, it seemed to be "so far so good." Shaking his head, Jane wondered how things had gotten so twisted so fast before chastising himself for wasting the effort.

The answer was obvious.

He didn't even have to say his name.

Turning his attention back to the action, he was surprised to realize things were progressing much quicker than expected. From the way everyone was acting, his daughter's appearance was imminent and he didn't want to miss a second of her grand entrance.

Lisbon would expect a detailed report and he intended to give her one.

Watching her head suddenly appear Jane leaned in to see the miracle more clearly.

A short time later he couldn't help but smile at the sound of that aggravated cry.

#

Staring at his daughter through the glass, Jane decided she was beautiful in spite of being undeniably smush-faced and rough around the edges. The kid had been through a lot. Things no newborn should ever suffer. But, in spite of being in NICU for the foreseeable future, Miranda was expected to be all right in the end.

Right now, her assignment was more precautionary than necessary although her condition was guarded.

From what he'd been told, she was far from out of the woods. She'd had a few cardio-pulmonary issues upon entering the world. Fortunately, they seemed to have resolved over the last few days. Nor were they all that unexpected given the circumstances of her birth he supposed; but, still frightening for her father. However, his kid was a trooper. Once her doctors were confident she'd fully stabilized, she'd be moved to the regular nursery with the other healthy newborns where she should be.

Her mother was a different story.

Jane gazed at the clock and admitted he was only making googley eyes at Miranda because he'd been chased from her mother's room. As much as he loved his daughter, he was counting the seconds until he could return to the ICU where he'd all but lived the last couple of weeks. While he'd have much preferred overseeing their ministrations, there were apparently some things he wasn't allowed to view so he'd acquiesced to Lisbon's doctors' request that he leave.

Actually, he'd finally given into the unspoken threat of the police officer guarding the door.

Besides, it wasn't humanly possible to be with the woman every second of the day as much as he wished things were otherwise. He had no real choice but to trust the faces he'd watched save her life weren't suddenly going to take her life.

Or let her die if something suddenly went awry.

Honestly, seeing Lisbon the way she was day after day was almost more than he could take. The damned ventilator was just the icing on the cake. Watching her die on that table soon after Miranda's birth had done a number on him. One he hadn't quite gotten over yet. He'd wanted to die too until she'd finally responded to the various treatments. Apparently, while nothing vital was hit meaning major arteries or veins leading to a quick bleeding out, the same couldn't be said of her general damages. Staring at his daughter, Jane decided he wasn't going to catalogue her internal injuries yet again.

It was sufficient to say they were bad.

While the overall number of stab wounds was small, they weren't indiscriminate. Lisbon's assailant ensured every strike counted. That muscle was damaged and organs nicked. The damnable part of the situation was they still didn't know if it was Red John or one of his minions who'd done the deed. Not that they wouldn't know soon enough. Forensics had yet to analyze the small, indiscriminate blood smear Cho noted on a door frame far from any place Lisbon had ventured during the attack. Nor had they touched the directional splatter he'd pointed out more indicative of a gunshot wound than a stabbing. Either way, Jane would give it to the bastard. He knew what he was doing. He'd carefully choreographed his assault to be fatal over time.

But for the grace of God, he would have succeeded.

That her assailant had somehow figured out the right moment to strike was another thing they couldn't quite figure out. While they didn't know the answer yet, Jane was fairly sure it wasn't complicated. Probably a mole in the complex. Some sleeper Lisbon wouldn't notice. The only question was who it could possibly be and they didn't have a clue beyond the obvious suspects.

Maybe Lisbon would shed some light on the issues when she recovered enough to fill in the blanks.

Pressing his hand against the glass, Jane admitted it was clear Lisbon had done everything in her power to shield their child at great personal cost. It was also clear Red John, or his surrogate, had done his part to insure his suffering was complete. While he'd meant for Lisbon and their child to die a slow death, he'd deliberately steered away from striking her fetus directly. The destruction of his offspring would come through the mother. What better way to drive his opponent's impotence home than Jane knowing there was a fighting chance his daughter would have survived if he'd come to her mother's aid in time.

Even if Lisbon hadn't.

Fortunately, things hadn't worked out that way…He couldn't have handled it if they had.

Turning his thoughts to more pleasant events, Jane smirked at the thought his Spidey Senses had kicked in in spite of Kelsey O'Toole's self-serving machinations. He'd been bothered by thoughts of Lisbon all night. By a sense of urgency driving him to wrap things up with the conniving wench sitting across from him. By a sudden desire to hold his partner close and never let go. Thanks to that, and his date's over-the-top attempts to seduce him, he'd gotten to Lisbon before she'd exsanguinated.

Resisting the urge to cross himself as he'd seen Lisbon do a time or two, Jane sent up a silent prayer for small blessings.

"What are you doing out here?" Cho's voice held an ominous tone. "Shouldn't you be with Lisbon?"

"The witch chased me out." Jane admitted. "The really scary one with the dark moustache."

"The really pretty one that doesn't respond to your charm." Cho countered calling his bluff. "I can't say I blame her and she doesn't have a moustache."

"Whatever." Jane said. "I can return in twenty minutes."

"Then I suggest you do that." Cho said quietly. "How much longer do you have?"

"About fifteen minutes give or take." Jane answered honestly. "Long enough for you to ask what you want to ask."

"Who said I want to ask anything?" Cho gazed at Miranda. "Maybe I just came to see the kid."

"I did." Jane responded. "You want to know if I was lying. I wasn't. If you don't believe me, look at her eyes. They're green all right; but, they aren't Lisbon's."

"How?" Cho asked thinking he'd always believed Lisbon had more sense. "When?"

"Does any of that really matter?" Jane asked looking him square in the eyes. "All that does is we did and Miranda was the result."

"The night you took her home from the hospital." Cho said quietly. "The timing's right and neither one of you were right."

Jane was still in a funk over her getting kidnapped in the first place and Lisbon was still in shock.

"No, we weren't and, yes, it was." Jane agreed. "The moment was ripe and we took it."

"I should beat the hell out of you." Cho stated flatly still in disbelief he hadn't realized the truth long before now. "But Lisbon wouldn't appreciate me hurting the father of her daughter even if he has treated her like shit since the news came out."

"No, she wouldn't." Jane agreed. "Not that I don't think you'd be justified in doing just that."

"Why?" Cho asked.

"Why what?" Jane asked. "Did I treat Lisbon like that?"

He shot Cho a look saying he was smarter than that.

"You know why." Jane said quietly. "Deja vu." He shook the vision suddenly flooding his mind…The real one…not the imaginary. "All of this would have happened that much sooner if he'd known…We wouldn't have been able to stop him...We weren't able to stop him…and one or both of them would be dead."

Could still be dead.

Lisbon was far from out of the woods and his daughter was in NICU.

Cho couldn't refute his words or scoff at his fears since that was exactly what had happened…In spite of their efforts to prevent Lisbon coming to harm she'd been badly hurt…She'd been hemorrhaging from more places than he wanted to recall when the helicopter arrived to air lift her to the nearest Trauma Unit.

Once they'd gotten to the hospital, he'd realized the situation was even more dire than he thought when the attending physicians had asked for the baby's father or her next of kin. He didn't want to remember what came next.

But, he couldn't forget it if he wanted to.

Jane had stepped forward revealing the one thing he didn't want to know.

Needless to say, he'd also made it clear, saving one or the other of them wasn't an option. They'd better do their damnedest to make sure they both pulled through.

In his heart of hearts, Cho had known what Jane would never say…If push came to shove, his daughter was expendable…Lisbon wasn't.

The doctor had realized it, too; but, had wisely let the subject drop.

Shaking his head, Cho relived all the hours he'd paced the Waiting Room and been glad he wasn't where Jane was. He'd spent his time drinking coffee and talking to the team. Jane had spent the hours stuck in a corner watching his daughter enter the world and her mother "die" a couple of times on the table.

Not how he wanted to spend his evening.

Fortunately, Lisbon was strong and otherwise healthy and she'd responded to treatment as they'd hoped.

Now they were truly playing the waiting game. Only time would tell if enough fluids were replaced fast enough for her to pull through the shock and trauma without lasting damage. Cho didn't want to think what that could mean.

Yeah, the Boss would need physical therapy for that shoulder injury. Fortunately, it wasn't on her shooting side. But, that was the least of their worries. The kind of massive blood loss she'd experienced caused serious consequences including organ shut down. Glancing at his watch, Cho caught Jane's eyes.

"It's time for you to go." He nodded in the direction of Lisbon's room. "I'll keep an eye on your kid."

Right.

"Yeah, you do that." Jane said as he turned to leave. "I'm sure Rigsby and Van Pelt will be here in a few minutes to help you do just that."

Heading in the direction of Lisbon's room, Jane was glad the team was obsessed with keeping Miranda safe. Yes, there was a plain clothes cop posted around the clock; but, he didn't have a vested interested in anything but doing his job. They're friends were a different matter. He was grateful for them.

One day he'd tell them how he felt.

Right now, Lisbon was waiting for him even if he wasn't certain she even knew he was there. Not that it mattered. He wasn't about to leave her side either way.

#

Holding his sleeping daughter, Jane closed his eyes recalling the day she was born. He'd been prepared to move Heaven or Hell to see Lisbon when he'd suddenly gotten his wish without much of a fight. It was amazing how quickly doors had opened when he'd claimed the bundle of joy in his arms.

He'd found himself standing in a cold room surrounded equally cold machinery so fast it made his head swim.

He'd also found himself more frightened than he'd ever been in his life. More frightened than he'd been when he'd found that note on his bedroom door even knowing what he would find inside. More frightened than he'd been when he'd discovered Lisbon had played into Red John's hands one lonely night trying to play hero. More frightened than he'd been when he'd found her bleeding on her apartment floor.

There was something about knowing they weren't willing to do a C-Section unless they had to that had driven home how perilous the situation was. He'd realized, if that happened, Lisbon was as good as gone and they were going through the motions of trying to save his daughter. Fortunately, things hadn't gone down that way.

While Lisbon might have missed their daughter's birth, he'd witnessed Miranda's entrance in the usual way and, in spite of the blood and goop, thought it the most single most beautiful sight he'd ever seen because it should never have been.

It was what came almost immediately after that had plummeted him from the heights of joy to the lows of despair.

Opening his eyes, Jane decided he wasn't going there…Wasn't going to relive the harsh ringing of those machines…Or the sounds of those paddles against naked skin.

Rising to his feet, Jane gently placed Miranda back in her little bed. As much as he enjoyed snuggling her, he needed to spend time with her mother. Shaking his head, he realized he didn't even know what day it was. Only that several days had passed since he'd had that run in with Cho. Somewhere along the way, the days had merged into weeks and eventually they'd all merged together. If he wanted to take the time, he could figure it out. He didn't. Right now he was more concerned with what was happening in that bed.

Leaning forward, he carefully grasped Lisbon's hand noting she'd lost more weight than she could really afford judging by the frailness of her digits.

"Don't ever do this to me again." Jane said quietly. "I'm not sure I can take it."

Gently rubbing her fingers, he was mildly surprised to see Lisbon's eyelid's flickering. She hadn't truly awakened since he'd found her so gravely injured at her place. While she'd stayed with him for a while, she'd lost consciousness before they ever rolled her out the door. The few times she'd opened her eyes since he'd known she was going through the motions but no one was home.

Or if there was, she wasn't communicating yet.

Watching Lisbon eyes finally open, Jane carefully released her hand unsure how she'd react to being touched by anyone. Him in particular. Watching awareness slowly flooding her senses, he realized she was really present this time. Not just hovering on that plane between sentience and insentience. Watching her look around, he wasn't surprised when her palm suddenly moved to her surprisingly flat belly. Catching the instant terror in her eyes, he grasped her hand halting the frantic movements.

"She's perfect." Jane reassured her. "She had a rough few days in the beginning; but, unlike you, she's fine now. You, on the other hand, have been going in and out for a while now."

She didn't need to know she'd flat lined after Miranda's birth or that she'd been on life support more days than he cared to remember. Nor would he tell her any time soon that she'd lapsed in and out of a coma for weeks while her body healed. Suffice it to say, she'd been one very sick lady.

She still was.

The upside, she was expected to make a complete recovery with no lasting complications. It wouldn't be quick and it wouldn't be easy. She'd need a good bit of rehab and wouldn't be able return to work or care for Miranda like she'd want for a while to come. But, she'd be alright in the end. That was all that really mattered.

"Miranda." Lisbon looked at him hoping he'd get her drift.

"Give me a minute." Jane walked over to the bassinet to lift his daughter in his arms. "Miranda, meet your Mom."

Watching Lisbon slowly shift in the bed, Jane gently settled their daughter in the crook of her arm against her side.

"Cho will be here in a little while to take her home." Watching Lisbon watching their daughter, Jane kept up a running monologue not sure if she was paying attention to anything beyond Miranda. "She was discharged a few days ago and she's been staying at my place ever since." Catching Lisbon's silent question, he continued filling in the blanks. "The one I bought so our daughter would have a stable home. It wasn't like Miranda could return to your place."

He didn't need to inform Lisbon of what she already knew.

Her apartment was still a bloody crime scene.

He should know.

He'd busted through that yellow tape just a couple of days ago and been disgusted by what he'd found.

"No." Lisbon agreed wishing she could ask what she really wanted to know.

But, she couldn't. Just saying a few words here and there and resting her fingertips against her daughter's chubby cheek was taking all of her energy. Tiring her out in ways she didn't need to be tired out…Hurting her throat…exhausting her brain…Physically depleting her in every way…Closing her eyes she hoped Jane would just tell her what she really wanted to know….

"Hey." Jane said softly watching her eyes flicker open again. "It'll be your place when you get out of here. It's in your name." He gently stroked her hair away from her cheek before lifting Miranda in his arms. "I bought it so you and Miranda would have a home. God knows you can't go back to that other place. I wouldn't let you if you could. It's a disgusting mess."

Flashing that patented "this isn't over yet" look, Lisbon half nodded her reluctant acquiescence as her consciousness slipped away.

Watching her eyelids flutter as she went down for the count, Jane decided now was as good a time as any to steal a last few minutes with his child. Cho, or some other member of the team, would appear before too long to whisk her back to his place. If he didn't miss his guess, it was Minelli's night to crawl out of the woodwork to take over babysitting duty. If he didn't miss his second guess, Miranda's surrogate grandfather would be dragging May along for the ride. Not that either of them minded smothering his kid in love. All in all, Jane was grateful there were so many people he could count on to keep their daughter safe.

However, that didn't mean he wasn't going to have to deal with the fall out of his actions soon enough.

On the one hand, he was sure he was in for some serious ass kicking down the road for how he'd treated Lisbon. On the other, about the time Lisbon recovered enough from her injuries, the ventilating, and general disuse of her voice to actually carry on a real conversation, he was going to have hell to pay in that direction as well. The way things were going, none of that was too far off. Some serious poop was hitting the fan before too long.

Not that he was griping about it.

As long as Lisbon's doctors' were happy she was snapping back ahead of the curve, he'd gladly take whatever pain everyone dished out. He'd come much too close to losing her. To losing them. He wasn't leaving her side any time soon. Even if she decided she wanted him to.

There wasn't any reason.

Their secret was out. Miranda's paternity wasn't in question any more. Her Birth Certificate very clearly stated she was Teresa Miranda Jane although Lisbon didn't know that yet. Yeah, well, what she didn't know wouldn't hurt her. It might hurt him when she found out; but, he'd worry about the damages later. Added to that, their nemesis had made his move. The sniveling, whiney little worm had played his hand and he'd lost. Not all that surprising considering he was just another loser, deranged serial killer without his posse of unknown faces.

However, that didn't mean he was harmless by any means. He might have lost the battle; but, he hadn't lost the war. While he was out of commission at the moment, he was still dangerous and he'd be coming after them again.

Either him or one of those unknown faces.

Jane wasn't under any illusion their struggles were over…Just the one that said they could fight him each on their own…As Lisbon would say…That so wasn't happening.

Not anymore.

He might as well give up.

They were far safer together than apart.

He knew that now.


	18. Chapter 17

A/N: Thank you for the reviews including my guest reviewers. I'll answer them tomorrow. Today I was distracted by a wound up puppy having too much fun using me as a glorified chew toy. I promised things would eventually get on a more even keel in this story; but, Jane had to reach that point where there was nothing to lose by stepping out of the shadows and claiming his family. As long as he believed denying the truth would keep them safe, he still had everything to lose if the truth came out. That's the perspective this story is coming from - a little more complicated than that - but close enough. I know it's been a tough one to read. Like Settling the Score, it's been tough to write as well. But interesting since it's more like what I usually write (original fics) than my normal Mentalist fanfics. Again, thanks for reading and for the reviews. Both are greatly appreciated.~Calla

#

Walking across the hall freshly made tea in hand, Jane nodded to the police officer as he entered the familiar room and closed the door.

"You look a whole lot better today." Jane silently by-passed Sarah carefully injecting a thick white liquid into Lisbon's I.V. catheter to drop a kiss on top of her head. "Those other days, not so much."

"You think?" Lisbon stuck her tongue out at him as she said her good-byes to her favorite nurse and watched Jane do the same. "Where's Miranda?"

"Still asleep." Jane answered honestly settling into his chair. "That kid sleeps like a rock." In that respect, she didn't take after either of them. "Van Pelt's bringing her in later after she wakes up."

Satisfied with that answer, Lisbon leaned back on her pillows feeling the pain meds kicking in and the familiar haze beginning to course through her veins.

"Cho said we would have died if you hadn't dropped by my place that night." Her tone was far more casual than it would have been in a less sedated state. "I suppose I should thank you."

"Why?" Jane asked equally blunt. "Technically, you died anyway, more than once."

He'd watched it happen both times.

"Fine." Lisbon groused without any real venom. "I won't thank you."

"You don't have any reason to." Jane said. "I didn't do anything special."

"You saved our lives." Lisbon reminded him. "I'd say that was pretty special."

"I damned well wasn't letting you or Miranda die." Jane said a little more fiercely than he'd meant to. "Nothing about that would be acceptable."

"I don't guess it would be." Lisbon agreed feeling her eye lids droop in that way saying she wasn't about to nod off; but, she was pleasantly "numb" for lack of a better word. "So what really happened that night?"

"Nothing much." Jane made a non-committal noise. "I was doing what I do best. Just sitting across the table of a very expensive restaurant staring at a very beautiful woman intent on having me for dessert and hating every moment of it. About half-way through the meal Kelsey let slip the one thing we were waiting to hear that let us know she'd tampered with her husband's morphine patches. The poor bastard succumbed to not-so-natural natural causes thanks to some "undetectable" boutique poison she'd concocted with the aid of her two accomplices.

The truly sick part of it was she watched him die when she had the antidote in hand."

Lisbon nodded at his words knowing Jane was filling her in on developments occurring since O'Toole's arrest.

"After a few more foolish statements, the set up was clear. We had everything we needed to make our move. Her two cohorts worked at the lab with her. Whether they were present in the house or not at the time of the husband's death is anyone's guess. What we do know is both of them were instrumental in helping her develop her scentless, tasteless, invisible death serum.

Fortunately, it wasn't quite as scentless or invisible to the M.E. as they'd thought it was. It seems our good doctor is either blessed or cursed with an extra sensitive sense of smell. Added to that some very obvious irregularities showed up in the Tox Screens.

Anyways, Blaisedale finally gave me the signal they were moving in so I left. My presence was no longer needed. Once I was cut loose, all I could think about was getting to you. I decided to listen to that voice in my head. While it took me longer to reach you than it should have, you know the rest of the story."

"I do." Lisbon absently picked at her blanket resisting the urge to pick at the needle taped in her hand. "And while I don't remember much about that night, I do remember you holding my hand until everything went black."

"I didn't let go until the EMT's made me." Jane reassured her. "Changing the subject, do you have any idea how he learned the truth?"

While he already knew, he didn't know how much Lisbon knew. He also didn't know how much she might reveal that they didn't know if he let her tell her version.

"Yeah, I have an idea. From what he said, everything clicked the last day." Lisbon's voice was rough and scratchy from disuse. "Remember that foot rub that turned into more?"

"Like I'd ever forget." Jane squeezed her hand. "We thought your place was clean since we never found any devices."

Not until after the attack.

"Because there weren't any." Lisbon said. "Not until maintenance went in while my neighbor was out of town to work on her cable."

They'd worked on her cable all right.

"How do you know that?" Jane asked. "Your neighbor wasn't able to give us any information after one of the complex maintenance men was found behind a dumpster with his throat slit."

Probably because he was positive the old lady didn't know anything.

Her out-of-town trip hadn't been planned. Her brother had dropped dead from a heart attack out of the blue. She'd flown to Oregon soon after getting the news.

It was obvious the mole in the complex had seized the moment to do Red John's bidding and died for his trouble.

"How do you think?" Lisbon asked. "He made sure I knew I was being watched far longer than we thought. That maintenance man you mentioned wasn't a maintenance man. He was some sort of electronics genius. He'd developed a long range bug we couldn't detect…I'm still not sure where it was or how he got it in my place…Or even if it was ever in my place."

All she knew was what she'd been told while she was fighting for her life.

"The Forensics' Team found a tiny hole in the ceiling of your bedroom closet where he inserted a tiny mic." Jane said quietly. "Just so you know, MacAllister is still out there. I know you told Cho he wore a mask like he did that night with me; but, he left DNA behind so we know it was him. I recognized an errant blood splatter and Cho noticed a smear of blood on a door frame that was isolated for further testing." Eventually, it was analyzed and matched to records MacAllister didn't even know they had. "Bertram's still out there too."

"That's nice to know." Lisbon groused still p.o.'d every time she heard that name. "Too bad I only hit him in the shoulder before he knocked my gun out of my hand."

"You slowed him down and got confirmation for what I already knew so you did good." Jane consoled her. "The only thing you could have done better was shoot him somewhere he couldn't treat himself. That would have really helped us out. But, I don't know too many people who could have done what you did so don't beat yourself up too badly."

"You better be kidding me." Lisbon shot him a dirty look.

"What do you think?" Jane's smirk turned serious. "No one matching MacAllister's description has appeared in any hospitals since he was shot. That doesn't mean he isn't somewhere South of the Border temporarily getting patched. He most certainly isn't dead. We wouldn't be that lucky. I think he's holed up somewhere recuperating from his injuries."

"So I'm going to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder." Lisbon grumped. "That's just great."

"Until he's caught, yes." Jane agreed. "We're going to spend the rest of our lives looking over our shoulder. You aren't doing anything without me."

"We'll talk about that later." Lisbon said quietly. "I'm not up to any of this at the moment. My thoughts aren't clear enough."

She glanced at her hand thinking there was a downside to holding that incessant throb in her shoulder at bay. Her mind just wasn't what it should be to tackle the man sitting so innocently beside her.

"While I understand your feelings," Jane reached out to touch her hand more pleased than he probably should be that she didn't jerk it away. "We _will_ talk about this when you're stronger."

"Whatever you say, Jane." Letting her eyes drift closed, Lisbon was glad she wouldn't be stronger for a few more days. "Whatever you say."

Totally amused by her actions, Jane decided not to call Lisbon's bluff. If she wanted to play possum instead of dealing with the issues, so be it. He'd let her have her fun. There wasn't any reason to force her hand until he had to.

In fact, he might even join her in taking a real nap.

#

Sitting on her hospital bed waiting for her illusive ride to appear, Lisbon wasn't sure how she felt about finally leaving the hospital and stepping into the great unknown. Especially since she'd learned there had been several possible Bertram sightings since she'd been hospitalized. In spite of immediate follow-up on the tips, her old boss had yet to be caught. Even worse, law enforcement had yet to confirm any of the sightings were actually the ex-Director of the CBI.

Not knowing only made it worse.

Added to that, Lisbon wasn't sure how she felt about being responsible for herself or her child. She hadn't even gotten dressed entirely by herself. Sarah had helped her fasten buttons and fix her hair when everything got overwhelming earlier today. Quite honestly, she knew she wasn't prepared to be the adult in any way.

Not necessarily that she couldn't do it.

That she wasn't ready.

Like so many other situations in her life, wanting to do something and actually doing it were two very different things.

Turning at the sound of her door opening, Lisbon was mildly surprised to find Jane standing there. She hadn't seen him in a week. Spoken to him, yes, he telephoned several times a day. But, been face to face, no, he hadn't dropped by once. Just left her to her own devices for the first time since she'd been injured.

In all fairness, it wasn't his fault. The team was working a dangerous case. It was a miracle he'd stayed in touch the way he had.

Even managing that had taken incredible determination on his part.

"Long time no see." Lisbon couldn't hide her relief at seeing a familiar face. "How did the case go?"

"How do you think?" Jane surveyed Lisbon's paltry belongings stacked on the chair.

"Cho wrote another "Closed" on the board." Lisbon said.

"Yes, he did." Jane agreed. "That's not a lot to show for all the weeks you've spent in here."

"I didn't need anything from home until recently." Lisbon reminded him. "It wasn't like I was out walking the halls."

She was barely walking the halls now by Jane's estimation even though the so called professionals seemed to think she was doing exceptionally well. Quite honestly, he begged to differ with them. She was thin and frail and more than a little shaky on her feet.

"How about we blow this joint?" Jane asked as he grabbed both her suitcase and plastic bag of hospital related odds and ends in one hand. "We've got a daughter waiting back home."

"Sounds like a plan." Lisbon agreed not sure exactly what he meant by "home" since no amount of cleaning or painting would ever make her apartment home again. He better not mean _his_ place. The one he claimed he'd put in her name. They still hadn't had that discussion yet and she wasn't looking forward to having it. "About that daughter, Cho told me what you did."

"I'm sure he did." Jane stated calmly as he helped Lisbon to her feet. "I had a right to claim her."

Actually, he and Cho had agreed the truth would probably come better from him since he'd witnessed the necessity of the moment and could convey the truth from the perspective of a largely impartial observer instead of a secret father denying any responsibility for his seed.

"I'm glad you did." Lisbon said the one thing he didn't expect. "But I don't understand…."

"Why I did it?" Jane asked. "Why I suddenly admitted everything we fought so hard to keep secret? Because I finally could. Once we knew he knew, there wasn't any reason to deny the truth."

Digesting his words, Lisbon wasn't sure how she felt about the paternal note in Jane's voice. He'd promised he'd never try to take Miranda from her or claim his legal rights. She wasn't sure that was true anymore. From what he said, Jane had spent the past few weeks caring for their daughter. His feelings had changed somewhere along the way.

She could hear it in his voice.

"My feelings never changed." Jane said quietly as though he was reading her mind. "Not recently. I've always loved her even when I didn't want a child so don't even go there or this discussion won't end well."

"Fine, I'll take your word for it." Lisbon agreed resting her hand against his arm for stability. "I know you love her now."

"Yes, I do." Jane agreed guiding her through the sliding glass doors as he steered the conversation into safer waters. "Actually, everyone does. She's a really good kid and cute as a button. She looks like you."

"She has your eyes." Lisbon corrected. "What? You think I didn't notice the color of her eyes? I'm not that oblivious. Hey, where's your car?"

"At home." Jane pulled the keys from his pocket. "I brought the SUV. It'll be more comfortable for you."

"You might have to help me up." Lisbon watched him open the door. "I don't think I can manage on my own."

"I don't think you can either." He'd already planned to do just that. "But, you'll have more room to stretch out once you are."

"Give me a hand up." Lisbon rested her hand on the seat knowing there was no way she could grab the grip and hoist herself up…Not unless she wanted to end up on her knees howling in pain. "I think I can manage after that."

"Why don't I just do this." Lifting her, Jane sat her on the seat. "Turn around and I'll hand you the seatbelt. If you'll hold it, I'll lock it in place when I get inside."

Following his own commands, Jane carefully pulled the seatbelt over her body and fastened it leaving the shoulder piece loosely draped across her. Taking one last look to make sure she was comfortable, he turned the key in the ignition and backed out of the parking space. The sooner they hit the road, the faster they'd get where they needed to go.

Once that happened, the head butting would start.

Once they worked through the scrapping, they could move on with their lives.

#

Opening her eyes, Lisbon realized she must have dozed off because she didn't recognize her surroundings. They certainly weren't in her old stomping grounds. While a nice enough neighborhood, she hadn't lived anywhere near an area this upscale.

"You can't be serious?" Lisbon looked around the complex in disbelief. "While I didn't want to go back to my old apartment, I can't afford a place like this."

In spite of her words, they both knew she could if she dipped into some of that money she'd been funneling into Miranda's Education Fund.

However, she wasn't doing that and, again, they both knew that as well.

"You don't have to." Jane informed her ignoring her questioning look. "And you can't go back to your place if you wanted to. It's still a Crime Scene. Besides, why would you consider such a thing when you own this place outright?"

"I what?" Lisbon gave him a look letting him know he'd overstepped his bounds. "I better not."

Yeah, she'd heard him when he'd said his place was in her name before; but, she'd hoped he was blowing hot air. No, she hadn't. She'd known he wasn't. She just hadn't felt like dealing with it and she didn't really feel like dealing with it now. Until today, while she'd been fully conscious and aware, she'd also been in a more extreme drug induced haze that made it far easier than normal to ignore aggravating things.

Jane included.

Today, her mind was perfectly clear for the first time in weeks as she'd refused anything but the mildest of pain killers in favor of being fully in control of her faculties.

Big flipping mistake.

"Lisbon, be reasonable." Jane kept his tone quiet and even. "I told you I would provide for my daughter and that's all I've done. Miranda needs a safe place to live and you need to be close to work. This complex fits both requirements. It's gated, comfortably sized, and family friendly. You have all the amenities you need at hand from a fully equipped gym to extra security."

"I'm sure the other people living here will appreciate having someone with a serial killer on their butt living here." Lisbon snorted lightly as she opened her car door and regretted her actions. "I'm not sure I would."

"They're not in any danger." Jane said quietly. "None of these people have done anything to offend Red John and management is fully aware of your identity. For the record, you aren't the only person in here with a bad guy on your tail. There are several families in WP among other things."

"How would you know something like that?" Lisbon asked waiting for him to point her in the right direction. "They don't let that kind of information out."

"You'd be surprised to learn who I sit across a Poker table from." Taking her hand, Jane dismissed Lisbon's comment as he led her where they needed to go. "You'd also be surprised who owns this complex and several others like it. Let's just say they owe me a big favor I called in."

"Fine, but that doesn't change the fact anything in this part of town is ridiculously expensive." Lisbon commented watching him unlock the front door to what would prove a very nice townhouse she was sure. "Far too costly when an apartment similar to my old place would have done just fine."

"Lisbon, I'm not arguing anymore." Jane's tone said the conversation was over. "You own the place, end of story. The deed was put in your name weeks ago." Actually, her name was added to the deed since he'd had every idea she'd be difficult about his generosity. "Since I can't undo what's already done, why don't you check the place out instead of wasting time."

Closing the door behind them he let her look around the kitchen and living areas a few minutes before guiding her up the stairs and down the hall to open the first door on the left with a flourish.

"It looks just like Miranda's room back home except it's a mirror image." Lisbon couldn't believe her eyes. "I didn't expect that."

"Why not?" Jane asked. "You spent a lot of time and effort getting everything just right. The only difference other than what you've already pointed out is this room's bigger than the one at your place."

"Yeah, it is." Lisbon agreed. "It looks like Miranda's already gotten cozy staying here."

There were definite signs her child had made this room home for quite a while.

"Where do you think she was staying most of the time while you were fighting for your life?" Jane asked quietly. "I bought this place before she was born."

While it was true it hadn't been that long since he'd added Lisbon's name to the deed, he'd actually made the purchase a couple of days after that first booty call when the unit suddenly became available.

"You're living here and you have been from the start." Lisbon turned to look at him realizing there were a lot of things that had slipped through the cracks when he'd talked about where Miranda was staying. Things he'd either not told her or, more likely, he had mentioned in passing that she hadn't retained. As much as she didn't want to admit it, the last was probably closer to the truth than him willfully withholding anything. He had told her he'd bought a place and he had admitted Miranda was staying there. "With Miranda."

"Yes." Jane confirmed. "I'd planned on staying a while longer."

"I'm not sure that's a good idea." Lisbon said quietly. "Miranda will get used to having you around all the time."

"Miranda's already used to my being around all the time." Jane informed her. "Who do you think has taken care of her most of the time? Think back. Where was our daughter when someone else wasn't keeping her?"

Lisbon closed her eyes realizing she'd been in her hospital room with Jane.

"Damn it, you can't be serious." He'd been good with their child at the hospital from what she'd seen; but, she never realized things had gone this far. "I'm not sure how I feel about this."

"I'm perfectly serious." Jane held her eyes. "I've been taking care of my daughter while you've been ill and I'm not stopping now."

"Why?" Lisbon asked as all the feelings she'd held at bay for a whole lot of months came flooding back. "Why?"

She didn't get it.

"Why what?" She'd better not be asking what he thought she was.

"Why would you do that?" Lisbon asked.

"Why wouldn't I?" Jane studied the pink teddy bear in his hands.

"Because you never wanted her in the first place." Lisbon reminded him.

"You're right." Jane agreed. "I didn't. Not in the beginning. I've never denied that." He wouldn't have wanted her if she'd been a boy and he wouldn't deny that either. "However, you have to know I changed my mind along the way."

"I thought you might have." Lisbon recalled his fascination with her belly the nights of their intimate encounters. "But that didn't stop you from being vicious to me."

"No, it didn't." Jane gently laid the bear aside. "I only did what I had to do to keep you safe so I won't apologize for it."

"You did what you wanted to do." Lisbon stared at the empty crib imagining her child sleeping there. "You chose to hurt me of your own free will."

If he hadn't, he would never have been so brutally honest with her. He'd have stopped with driving home the fact they couldn't be together and why. She could have handled that. It was the other part she'd found too much.

"I chose to hurt you because I didn't have a choice and I would do the same all over again." Jane reached out to lightly stroke her arm. "You know that and you know why. If I'd done things differently Miranda wouldn't be here and you'd be dead. You almost died anyway. Both of you." It was a miracle Miranda had emerged mostly unscathed from her traumatic beginnings. "You know we'd have gotten busted in the early days if we'd done things differently. You're a terrible liar and our secret would have been out in no time if we'd gotten together. One or the other of us would have betrayed the truth by our actions."

Try the first time either of them was caught in a bad guy's crosshairs.

"I know." Lisbon stared at a spot over his shoulder. "But that didn't make it any easier."

"For either of us." Jane said quietly. "It's about time you realized that."

Digesting his words, Lisbon gave him a funny look not quite sure what he was saying. He hadn't looked all that bothered when he was telling her how much he didn't want Miranda.

"Lisbon, don't be stupid." Jane snapped. "You can't think I enjoyed hurting you? Hurting myself? That I ever wanted to know I could feel that way or be that man?"

"It didn't seem to bother you that much at the time." Lisbon closed her eyes against the memories. "It didn't stop you from being horrible to me."

"I didn't have a choice." Jane defended himself. "Two lives were on the line."

"We always have choices." Lisbon reminded him. "You made yours without ever asking mine."

As much as he didn't want to rehash what they'd just gone through yet again, Jane knew they would do just that many times before Lisbon worked things through.

It was a price he'd gladly pay to get that second chance he still wasn't sure he was getting.

However, second chances aside, he wasn't about to let Lisbon get away with that accusation so he shot her a look reminding her that, while that might be true, it was equally true she hadn't protested his actions all that much.

To her credit, Lisbon had the grace to look away knowing he was right. She'd been too floored by the words coming out of his mouth to argue much of anything. She hadn't known what to say.

"There wasn't any point in asking your opinion." He'd known her answer and it wasn't acceptable. "The way I saw it, and still do, there were only two options available. I could renounce my child and drive you away or I could claim you and watch you die." Stern faced, Jane looked exactly like the stoic man who'd first rejected her and their child all those months ago. "I made the choice I could live with and the one that gave you a fighting chance."

He'd make that same decision again.

"I understand why you reacted as you did." Lisbon stared him down. "I'm just not sure I can get past it."

"That makes two of us; but, I suggest we try for Miranda's sake." Jane kept his voice reasonable when all he wanted to do was shake some sense into the woman staring at him. They could heal later. Right now their daughter's safety came first. "Speaking of our daughter…" Jane glanced at his watch. "Wayne and Grace should be bringing her home any time now."

As if on cue, the doorbell rang.

"We'll talk later." Jane took Lisbon's arm and led her out of the room. "Right now our daughter is waiting for us."

They've have plenty of time to work through the mess since he wasn't going anywhere for the next few days. The CBI could survive without him. Lisbon might not. She certainly wasn't ready to handle their daughter on her own.

The woman clearly couldn't take care of herself yet from the way she was trembling.

#

"What are you doing?" Lisbon stepped into the nursery mildly surprised by what she was seeing. "You could have gotten me."

"No, I couldn't have." Jane continued snapping the squirrel festooned onesie. "You were sleeping deeply and you need your rest to fully recuperate. This is your first night home. You've got a lot to adjust to. Besides, I'm fully capable of giving Miranda her bottle and changing her diaper. Doing all of this is kind of like sex." Jane ignored her raised eyebrow in favor of cuddling his daughter. "You never forget how to do it."

"Right." Lisbon snorted at him thinking he certainly hadn't. "You look comfortable with her."

"I am comfortable with her." Jane tucked Miranda against his chest. "We had this conversation earlier. Neither of us knows if we can get past what has already happened; but, that's neither here nor there at the moment. The future will take care of itself.

Right now we're dealing with the present.

That being said, Miranda is mine and I love her. It has nothing to do with wanting a child or wanting her. It has everything to do with having one and changing circumstances. We both know that now the truth is out there, someone is coming after you. Whether he'll take the risk or send some faceless associate isn't important. That we stop him, or her, is. We can't do that if we're at each other's throats."

Lisbon nodded knowing he was right.

MacAllister might be on the run; but, he had far reaching tentacles. Until the monster was caught and his henchmen rounded up, the threats against them were very real. Glancing at Lisbon and Miranda, Jane realized that day might never come. He might never get caught. They might be looking over their shoulders for the rest of their lives.

Jane was mildly surprised he was all right with that as long as they were together.

Lisbon might not be.

But, he was.

"She's down for the count so I'd say we can go back to bed." Jane volunteered as he laid his daughter in her crib. "We both need our rest. Tomorrow's a long day."

"I guess it is." Lisbon followed him out of Miranda's room.

"I'll see you in the morning." Jane said quietly as he headed towards his room leaving Lisbon standing in the hall.

Shaking her head, Lisbon walked back through the doorway connecting her room and Miranda's feeling more confused than anything.

#

"Lisbon, what's going on?" Jane sat up in bed well aware she was staring at him through the darkness. "You can't go back to sleep?"

"No." Lisbon admitted. "My mind's in too much turmoil."

"That doesn't surprise me." His thoughts were in turmoil as well. "You've been through a lot. Why don't you join me?"

Jane flipped the covers back and patted the bed.

"I need to get Miranda." Lisbon nodded.

"Don't disturb her." Jane suddenly stood up. "I'll join you in there instead."

As much as Lisbon wanted to refuse his offer, she was tired and scared. She needed the comfort of his presence. Besides, she didn't have anything to worry about. Jane wouldn't make a move. She wasn't in any condition for intimacy had either of them wanted it which they didn't. Not that kind anyway although she expected Jane wouldn't protest had she wished otherwise. He never had.

Not really.

Objected to putting her at risk; but, never to their coming together.

Following him into her room, Lisbon glanced at her daughter still sleeping contentedly in her crib before watching Jane settle onto his usual side. Catching his eye, she saw him flip the covers back and pat the bed yet again. Sitting on the edge of the mattress, Lisbon rolled on her back to stare at the ceiling. Somehow, she wasn't all that surprised to find herself sliding across the bed as Jane pulled her against him. Feeling his arm tightening around her waist, she closed her eyes. There was just something about being nestled against the man that made her feel safe.

Like everything was going to be okay.

Nothing could be farther from the truth; but, who really cared?

Perception was everything and her perception said she was exactly where she needed to be.

"Jane?" Lisbon savored the feel of his touch. "We can't…."

"I know." Jane dropped a gentle kiss on her shoulder. "Just enjoy the moment and let me enjoy holding you again.

Closing her eyes, Lisbon decided she could do that. She might even want to do that. She'd missed these moments terribly those last weeks when he'd disappeared. Not the sex exactly, the intimacy and...the love.

As much as she might still struggle with forgetting Jane's actions of the last few months, she'd forgiven him long ago.

Like it or not, she couldn't deny he'd done every wrong thing for very right reasons.

Whether he'd _wanted_ Miranda from the start, as they both knew he hadn't, he'd always _loved_ her. He still did. His actions of the last few weeks proved it. The way he'd protected and cared for their daughter…She'd witnessed his devotion with her own two eyes. That he loved _her_ wasn't in question. He'd shown her so many time over the years.

Even if he'd outright denied it and she'd ignored the truth in front of her eyes.


	19. Chapter 18

A/N: I'm doing a lousy job of responding to reviews and I apologize. Work has thrown me a few curve balls the last couple of weeks as far as scheduling (rescheduling, too) and I've chosen to use the limited free time I've had to work on the next chapter. Please know I've read every single review and taken your comments to heart. Overall, your responses have been just what I've hoped for so you've given me fantastic feedback that has let me know, for the most part, I've succeeded in making you feel the ways I wanted. I appreciate all of you so much. Please know that. Whether you review or not, just the fact you've continued reading this story which is so different than my usual fare is deeply appreciated.

Warning: Fluff ahead – at least for this story! ~Calla

#

Opening her eyes at the sudden feeling of loss, Lisbon realized Jane had released her and carefully rolled from the bed doing his best not to disturb her. Stretching, she turned over and stared at his disappearing back. He'd clearly heard something she hadn't or he wouldn't be up at the crack of dawn.

Not when neither of them had gotten to sleep that early.

"Hey, I didn't mean to wake you up." Jane appeared in the doorway with Miranda in his arms. "Someone was hungry."

"Yeah?" Seriously? The man was already making her feel inadequate as a mother. "You know, this isn't how I imagined any of this would be."

"I don't suppose it is." Jane agreed sitting on the edge of the bed. "But, it's how it is and that's okay."

"Is it?" Sitting up, Lisbon dragged a hand through her messy hair. "It feels weird."

Like they were together when they weren't.

"It feels like family." Jane corrected her. "While there's still a lot to work through for both of us, this is how it needs to be for now." They could work out forever later. "You, me, Miranda together like this."

Nodding slightly, Lisbon agreed knowing he was right. There was no one better than Jane to have by her side. Not only did he know their opponent better than anyone; he had a vested interest in their survival. Added to that, he was Miranda's father and the man she still loved in spite of his actions over the past few months.

It didn't hurt he'd already set himself on the path to redemption by saving her and showering their daughter in love.

Forget the providing for…Anyone could do that….

But, only a father could look at Miranda the way he was in spite of the offensive smell suddenly wafting from her bottom.

"Duty calls." Leaning in to give Lisbon a kiss on the head, Jane swept his stinky bundle of cuteness out the door before things got out of hand. "We'll be back soon."

Watching them leave, Lisbon stretched and wiggled into a more comfortable spot. She might as well settle in now because she knew what was coming next. She was about to have a lap full of pristine, sweet smelling, wriggly, giggly, gummy Baby Jane.

Not that there was anything to complain about there.

The Daddy Jane was going a long way towards getting in her good graces every time he took care of one of those dirty diapers and he knew it. But, making baby poops disappear would only get him so far. They both knew that as well. There were serious issues still lingering down the road; but, as Jane said, they'd hopefully work those through when the time was right. Or, if they couldn't, they'd figure out a workable way to parent Miranda together.

She was sure of that.

For the moment, she was taking a page from Jane's book and letting sleeping dogs lie. They needed to get through the next however long as a family to keep their daughter safe. She could do that, too. So could Jane.

If things managed to magically work out while they were doing it, well, she couldn't ask for anything more.

If they didn't, life was what it was…She didn't have the energy to fight any more…Not when it wasn't necessary and it wasn't…So there.

"Someone wants their Mama." Jane dropped Miranda onto Lisbon's waiting lap. "How do I know you're wondering? She told me the whole time I was changing her. Just kept asking where's my Mama over and over again."

"She did, huh?" Lisbon asked as she poked her daughter lightly. "Who said I wanted the little monkey on my lap?"

"She did." Jane settled in beside her on the bed before reaching out to drag his fingertip across the sole of Miranda's foot. "Don't you know good little girl's always get what they want?"

"Who said she's a good little girl?" Lisbon asked watching Jane go for the piggy toes. "I seem to remember a stinky smell a little while ago."

"I don't think you read the contract." Jane responded with a straight face. "That's covered in the first paragraph. Obnoxious sights and smells are part of the deal."

"They are huh?" Lisbon asked as she glanced Jane's way wishing he'd put a shirt on…I mean, really, the man had no reason to be prancing around in his pajama bottoms…Or maybe he did considering she was the one who'd invited him to join her in bed…Or, actually, asked to allow herself to join him in his. "Guess I missed the fine print."

"Guess you did." Jane agreed reaching over to lift his daughter against his chest. "That's why they make them so cute. To offset some of the nasty stuff."

That was also why he usually didn't bother wearing a shirt at feeding time…Or pajamas in general…Or he hadn't before two females had invaded his life.

"I'll take your word for it." Lisbon watched him cuddle Miranda thinking everything about the moment looked right. "You've done this before."

Resisting the urge to smack her hands over her mouth for her carelessness, Lisbon watched Jane's reaction to her words.

"Yeah, Lisbon, I have." Jane said quietly. "And, past actions aside, I'm glad I'm doing it again,"

Recent events had driven home how devastated he would be had things turned out differently. Past thoughts and feelings aside, he couldn't imagine his life without Miranda in it any more than he could have imagined his life without Charlotte Anne. Fortunately, he didn't have to.

"Are you really?" Lisbon stroked Miranda's back.

"Yeah, I am." Jane admitted. "You know, I thought having another daughter would make me forget her now that she's been gone so long. The opposite is true. I think about Charlotte Anne every time I see this one. Even more so when I spend time with her. Miranda is a lot like my first child. They were both mischievous little imps."

"She's too little to be mischievous." Lisbon counted.

"Oh, you think so?" Jane asked. "Wait until you try to get this one in a onesie the first time. I think you'll change your tune. She's got more wiggle in her waggle than she has a right to."

"Wiggle in her waggle?" Lisbon cocked a brow in his direction. "You didn't just say that did you?"

"Ever watched a puppy wriggle or a worm squirm?" Jane asked seriously. "The action goes from top to bottom and everywhere in between. Let's just say any leeway you make in getting her dressed is quickly lost and this one just laughs about it."

Dropping a kiss on Miranda's down covered head, Jane laid her gently on the bed between them. As much as her mother wanted to hold her and do all the things she should, her shoulder wasn't quite strong enough to bear their daughter's weight for an extended period of time. As soon as she could, Jane was sure he'd lose most of the special moments he was starting to take for granted.

Even the messy, smelly ones he'd gladly hand over.

Honestly, as much as he couldn't wait for that to happen, he wasn't looking forward to surrendering his daughter.

He'd gotten used to having her mostly to himself.

Even more unsettling, there wasn't any guarantee he'd get to spend the same quality time he was enjoying now in the future. A lot of that depended on whether he and Lisbon worked out. If they didn't, he'd get whatever visiting rights she would allow.

Somehow, he thought, he'd come out on the losing end of that stick.

"Earth to Jane." Lisbon patted his hand. "What's got you so deep in thought?"

"I'm not sure you want to know." Jane admitted. "I just realized I'm going to be seriously jealous when you're able to take care of Miranda on your own."

"Does that surprise you?" Lisbon asked. "You've basically been a single parent since she was born."

"That doesn't bother you?" Jane asked.

"Why should it?" Lisbon asked. "I'd be more bothered if you didn't feel that way."

Digesting her words, Jane decided they made sense.

"However, if you keep hogging our kid after I'm well, I will slug you." Lisbon threatened. "I'm not going to put up with that although I will continue to let you change the dirty diapers if you want."

"Not going to happen." Jane returned. "You already owe me more dirty diaper changing than you can repay by the time she's potty trained. Don't forget you keep adding to that list every day you're incapacitated."

"You can't be serious." Lisbon looked at him in disbelief. "You're keeping tally of how many diapers you change?"

"You better believe it." Jane confirmed. "Did you catch a whiff of that last one? If you'd been doing what I have for the last few weeks you'd keep track too. Your kid is a real stinker at times and I mean that literally."

"She's your kid, too." Lisbon reminded him. "Don't forget that."

"I'm the one changing those diapers." Jane said. "That means she's _your_ kid when my eyes are burning. You're entitled to feel the same when our positions are reversed."

"You know; I believe this is the stupidest conversation we've ever had." Lisbon commented giving him a dubious look. "Really stupid."

"Maybe." Jane agreed. "But it might be the most normal we've had in a long."

"I think you're right." Lisbon wasn't sure how she felt about that. "What does that say about us?"

"Maybe that we've had an unusual relationship from the start." Jane said quietly. "One that seems to have survived the really hard knocks."

"It seems that way." Lisbon would give him that much knowing her perspective was bound to change as she got better and resumed more control over her life. "I honestly don't know how I'm going to feel as time goes on."

"Neither do I; but, we can worry about that later." Jane patted Miranda's rump. "Watch over this for a few minutes while I fix us something to eat."

"You want me to go with you?" Lisbon asked prepared to scoop their snoozing bundle into her arms. "It'll make things easier if I'm downstairs."

"Not really." Jane halted her restless movements. "Let her sleep. Besides, it'll be fun to have a picnic up here and you'll be more comfortable."

Not able to argue with his reasoning, Lisbon sat back and nodded her consent. It also had an element of intimacy she couldn't miss. While both she and Jane knew they were far from out of the woods as far as their relationship went, he was doing his best to stack the cards in his favor. To muddy the waters to such an extent she wouldn't have any choice but to give him a second chance. Well, she had news for him.

His tricks weren't going to work.

She was still a long way from trusting him where her heart was concerned. There were still a lot of amends to make and he was going to try to hit every one. It would be interesting to see how far he was willing to go. It would be even more interesting to see how far she was willing to let him go. Being Jane, he was going to try to push the envelope.

Probably try to seduce his way back into her good graces if it came to that.

Again, not going to work. That didn't necessarily mean she wouldn't let him back into her bed eventually. Just that it wouldn't have the desired effect. While she couldn't see herself with anyone else; she wasn't sure she could see herself with Jane like that. At the moment, she couldn't. There were still stores of deep seated hurt and anger she'd yet to tap into.

But, that didn't change the fact she had a child with the man or the fact she loved him in a way she could never get over.

It also didn't change the fact she wasn't willing to settle for second best. Or to involve an innocent party in her life the way it was at the moment. If Red John wasn't enough to deter all but the strongest of men, Jane would be.

She had no doubts the man would somehow destroy any relationship she tried to have that wasn't with him.

Not that she was interested in looking. Far from it. Her life was enough of a mess at the moment without adding any additional players. Huffing through her bangs, Lisbon admitted she would be sorting through her feelings for a long time to come.

All she could really do was wait and see how things worked out.

It wasn't like Jane was going anywhere. She was sure of that. His name on the deed and a room full of tastefully masculine furniture said otherwise. Not to mention the closet full of clothes many of which she'd never seen before. While he'd furnished the rest of the townhouse more in accordance with her tastes, his bedroom spoke volumes.

The man was here to stay.

Speaking of the man, if she didn't miss her guess he was on his way up the stairs with a tray filled with coffee and pancakes. Bacon and eggs, too, if her nose wasn't deceiving her. Oh, and the real deal Maple Syrup as well.

Watching Jane push through the door, Lisbon smoothed the covers out and watched him settle the tray carefully in place. Seeing that, yes, she was right, Lisbon decided she'd work through her unpleasant thoughts at a later date. Right now she was enjoying what Jane had to offer.

If things continued this way, she wasn't letting him off the hook any time soon.

Not until she regained the weight she'd lost while she was ill at least.

"Dig in while it's hot." Jane motioned to the tray while he grabbed their squirmy daughter. "The coffee should be just like you like it and your eggs are scrambled with cheese."

"Aren't you going to eat?" Lisbon took a sip of coffee. "This is perfect."

"Yes, I'm going to eat." Jane took a healthy bite of bacon. "But I've got two good arms. I can feed Miranda and myself at the same time."

Not literally; but, she got what he meant.

"This is nice." Lisbon dribbled syrup over her pancakes before cutting a bite. "But, I don't want to get used it."

"Why not?" Jane asked.

"You know why not." Lisbon watched over the top of her fork. "Neither one of us is stupid. You're determined we're going to be together now that everything that was keeping us apart has been blown to hell and back. I'm determined I'm not willing to try unless I know our being together is going to work in a way it hasn't. I won't do that to myself or Miranda. I can't handle a repeat of what we just went through. If you can't understand how I feel, I'm sorry."

"I understand it." Jane said. "And I can assure you it won't happen again."

"Maybe I need you to prove it." Lisbon said quietly. "Be the man you haven't been so far."

"Are you going to give me that chance?" Jane asked mildly surprised Lisbon was already open to giving him that second chance. "Let me be the man I really am."

"If you can pull it off." Lisbon responded. "But, I don't think it's going to be as easy as you might think. I'm still really hurt and angry. All of that's going to come out at some point. When it does, I don't really know what's going to happen."

She might grab Miranda and walk out the door.

"Fair enough." Jane grasped her hand reassuringly as he had so many times over the last few weeks. "I'll deal with whatever comes."

"I'll hold you to it." Lisbon said quietly taking another sip of coffee as she watched Jane angle Miranda's bottle just right. "I don't think it'll be very pretty."

Melt downs tended not to be.

"It doesn't have to be." Jane looked up from watching his daughter. "It just has to be whatever it needs to be for you to let me past that wall you've erected."

Nodding, Lisbon tucked into her plate mildly surprised she'd said the things she had. She certainly hadn't planned on saying any such thing. Or on committing to that second chance so soon. There was just something about watching him with Miranda that made her look at the situation through a mother's eyes and realize she needed to be the bigger person for her daughter's sake. She needed to at least try and the longer she put it off, the harder it would be. The more animosity she'd build up as she kept dwelling on the past.

Going over every grievance with a fine toothed comb.

God knew Jane had done enough to never earn redemption in her eyes; but, that wasn't how she wanted it to be.

It was far better to take that leap of faith and try to put their lives back together.

Give Miranda the loving family she deserved.

Fortunately, Jane felt the same.

They just had to see how things played out.


	20. Chapter 19

A/N: Ugly has become more than expected so it's not wrapping up in the next chapter or two as planned.

While this story is definitely AU with CU elements, I'm taking the perspective The Blake Association never disbanded because I don't think an "Association" that well organized would have faded away because MacAllister died and a few of their members got caught. Some other Creepy Crawly would have taken over the lead. I also don't think the CBI would have disbanded so easily either. I believe Heller and Co. wrapped things up as neatly as possible in the time they were given to end the show and I applaud them for it.

The perspective I'm taking for Ugly is that both The Blake Association and the CBI still exist because that fits in better with the story line.

That being said, I want to thank all of you for enjoying the fluff. Thank you for the reviews as well. They're deeply appreciated. Thank you most of all for bearing with me. Work is still crazy right now. I'm doing my best to get a new chapter up every 2 weeks or so – quicker if possible. ~Calla

#

Lifting her daughter from her bassinet, Lisbon wasn't all that surprised to hear the door opening and closing downstairs. Nor did the rustle of bags bother her that much. It was just Jane messing around in the kitchen doing his thing. He'd come upstairs when he was done putting away his acquisitions from the latest grocery run. While she'd yet to get cleared for desk duty, and wouldn't be for a while yet, her… _whatever…_ had returned to the CBI a couple of weeks ago.

Not only that, he'd landed smack in the middle of a brand new, high profile case of the incendiary kind.

One presently consuming most of his time and energies.

Not that he'd been given any choice one way or the other.

He wasn't.

The new Director of the CBI hadn't cared about his personal issues. Or hers for that matter. This most recent string of murders was a P.R. nightmare he wanted over and he wanted it over now. The only way he could see that happening was getting the CBI's not-so-secret secret weapon in on the case before the paperwork dried. So that was what he'd done. Demanded Jane report to his office ASAP. What the new Director wanted he got. Not only Jane; but, Minelli as well. Someone had to keep tight reigns on their resident crazy while his usual handler was indisposed and it had to be someone familiar with his antics. Unfortunately, Minelli was the man of choice according to Cho.

Cringing, Lisbon decided she didn't want to know how that one happened…She truly didn't…It must have been some pretty mean black mail to get her mentor out of retirement.

On the one hand, she didn't want Minelli back at the CBI. Didn't want him in the line of fire when he'd made a clean escape years ago. On the other, she couldn't wait to work with the grumpy old goat again. Even if he wouldn't stop giving her hell about getting knocked up by Jane. Like he hadn't seen that one coming. Right. Truthfully, the man was pleased as punch her kid was Jane's.

He couldn't see Miranda happening with anyone else.

What he didn't like was the nightmare she'd gone through to get from conception to living in a swanky gated complex with Jane…Not that they were actually living together…Not as a couple anyway…More like inhabiting the same space…But what did Minelli know?

Speaking of Minelli, like it or not, her mentor's return might not have anything to do with black mail and everything to do with her and his desire to keep her safe. Jane had already expressed his distrust of the new Director. Not that the man had done anything to make him feel that way. More they didn't know if he was friend or foe and until they did, he wasn't welcome in their business. Lisbon felt the same. With Bertram and MacAllister still on the loose, they didn't need another enemy in the ranks.

Definitely not a card carrying member of some shadow organization with tentacles that reached to only God knew where.

Shaking her head, Lisbon decided enough with the unpleasant thoughts. She wasn't about to start worrying about the great unknowns until she had something to worry about. It didn't accomplish anything beyond scaring her and she was tired of being afraid. The upside to everything that had happened recently was she'd gotten to know her daughter well while her father was out of place.

The downside was they both missed Jane terribly.

Lisbon wasn't sure how she felt about that. While she'd agreed to give Jane that second chance, they hadn't had an opportunity to get anywhere towards putting their lives back together. Not really. She hadn't even settled in good when he was called back to work. In fact, she'd only been home four days when she'd found herself feeling very much alone and much too vulnerable.

Who knew taking care of an itty bitty kid could be so hard?

She hadn't.

Jane made it look effortless.

Right.

It had taken her four tries to get Miranda's diaper on right the first time.

Who took four times to swaddle her baby's tiny little hynie and what kind of mother was she? No one and the lousy kind that's what. Shaking her head, Lisbon knew that wasn't true. While she was good with older kids, she hadn't changed a baby since her brothers were little. She wouldn't admit how long ago that was.

She'd just feel old.

Oh, and that whole onesie thing…Jane was more than right…Miranda had more moves than a sneaky snake and she was mighty cute doing them!

The good news was she'd finally mastered the little things like diapers and onesies in spite of her lack of full mobility and wavering strength. In fact, she was rather proud of herself. She was managing better than she expected. Probably better than Jane expected. It hadn't taken that long to compensate for her temporary deficiencies. She was rather amazed at how quickly Miranda had become her everything and by how important being able to complete the tiniest task had become to her.

At least when it came to her child.

Reaching out to stroke the downy head, Lisbon smiled as Jane's arms encircled her waist and his chin came to rest on her shoulder. She didn't need to turn to know what he was doing. They were both avidly watching their daughter go through her familiar routine of defying sleep. Eyes at half mast, gummy toes in her mouth, Miranda was determined to K.O. the Sandman no matter the cost. So what if she always lost in the end?

Their little one still put forth a valiant fight.

At least Jane was getting in on the last bit of putting Miranda to bed for the first time this week.

Turning away from her now sleeping child, Lisbon wasn't pleased by what she saw behind her. Jane hadn't looked this bad in a long time. Not the whole haunted eyes and tousled hair routine. Not even the first day she'd opened her eyes in the hospital. He'd looked like hell; but, nothing like this. Or maybe she'd been too drugged to know the difference.

"Tough day?" She studied his face. "You look rough."

"You could say that." Jane agreed. "We caught up with Bertram today or rather SAC PD did."

"He's in custody?" Lisbon wasn't sure how she felt about that. "Maybe we can get something useful out of him."

"We weren't that lucky." Jane told her quietly. "Dead…Resisting arrest."

"Suicide by cop or murder?" Lisbon asked quietly. "It was one or the other."

"Which one depends on who you ask." Jane confirmed. "What do you think?"

"He got shut down before he could talk." Lisbon stated honestly. "So, I'd say murder."

"I'd say you're right." Jane agreed not liking the implications of his belief. "We're fighting more than Red John here."

"We've always known that." Lisbon softly reminded him. "We just didn't realize how big the enemy was. Now we know. A whole lot bigger than we thought."

That elusive "something" they knew was out there was getting more real with every passing day.

"Yes, it is." Jane agreed. "But, I don't think they're any threat to us as long as we don't toss rocks at the hornet's nest."

He didn't have any reason to go after what he couldn't identify and he intended to keep it that way. As long as "they" stayed out of his way, and out of his future cases, he had no reason to go after them. And they had no reason to come after him and his. Personally, Jane could turn a blind eye to corruption that didn't affect his world and he thought the elusive corrupt could do the same.

Follow that unspoken rule of honor among thieves although he didn't consider himself a thief anymore.

Somehow, he didn't think that curtesy applied to Thomas MacAllister.

There was blood in the water and the sharks were smelling it.

With any luck, they'd devour their wounded leader and finish his job for him. Not that he wanted the chase to end that way. Not by a long shot. Even if it would make things neater. No way. He still wanted to take MacAllister out with his own two hands. Make him pay for what he did to his wife and child and what he tried to do to Lisbon and Miranda.

To his _family_.

He might as well call them what they were even if Lisbon wouldn't necessarily appreciate him doing so.

His name was on his daughter's Birth Certificate right beside hers.

"I hope you're right." Lisbon said. "Although I agree with the sentiment."

"They have too much to lose if they give me reason to go after them." Jane said quietly. "That may change in the future; but, I'd say we're okay right now."

"Maybe." The man made a good argument. "It makes sense anyway."

"Lisbon, I am right." Jane stated firmly. "That doesn't mean things can't change as I've already said; but, we'll have time to prepare before they do."

"Yeah, we will." Lisbon agreed. "What do you say we blow this joint and let that one sleep?"

"We can; but, that one could sleep through an earthquake." Jane nodded in the direction of his daughter. "You know that."

"I do." Lisbon agreed. "Let her do it. The good news is while she's sleeping we'll have a few hours to spend together." Wrapping her arm through his, Lisbon led Jane down the stairs and into the kitchen. "Have you eaten?"

"I ate with the team before we called it a night." Jane gave the response he knew she was expecting. "What about you?"

"I ate a couple of hours ago." Lisbon reached in the pantry to remove an unopened bottle of wine from the small stash Jane kept on hand for cooking. "How about a glass of wine then?"

"Sounds good to me." Taking the bottle, Jane efficiently uncorked the bottle and poured the ruby red liquid into the glasses Lisbon sat on the counter for him. "Here."

"Thanks." Lisbon quirked a brow at the nearly full glass he poured himself before offering her the more moderate serving. "Need a double?"

While they both drank occasionally, neither of them qualified as social drinkers. Not in their ordinary day-to-day lives. She wasn't foolish enough to think there weren't exceptions to that norm; but, she'd known Jane a long time and, generally speaking, those exceptions were few and far between. Enough so watching Jane imbibe more than usual still surprised her. Especially considering neither of them had shared a drink since she'd discovered her pregnancy.

"I think I do." Jane answered honestly taking a sip. "It's been a long day."

Nodding, Lisbon took their glasses into the den confident Jane would follow. Settling into the couch she handed him his glass before taking a sip of her own.

"This is good." She studied the Pinot Noir in her glass. "Actually, I'd forgotten how good this one was."

Almost too good for cooking; but, she knew better…Jane wouldn't cook with a wine he wouldn't drink and she agreed with him.

"So had I." Jane took a sip of wine and laid back on the couch slowly closing his eyes. "It's been a while since we've had a night like this."

A very long while…Try before Miranda was made.

Watching him, Lisbon reached over to remove his glass from his hand and set it aside. Carefully stretching along his body, she rested her head against his shoulder. Catching his slight smile, she wasn't all that surprised when he wrapped an arm around her.

"This feels nice." Jane ran his hand lightly over her side.

"Yeah, it does." Lisbon agreed closing her eyes. "We haven't had much time together since I got out of the hospital."

They hadn't had any time together. Since he'd gone back to work, Jane had left at the crack of dawn and returned long after she was in bed. He'd gone to his room and she'd stayed in hers. She knew he'd checked on her and Miranda before he left and after his return. She'd awakened briefly a couple of times when he'd opened the door. She also knew he wasn't leaving them vulnerable and dozing. There was someone, somewhere, she didn't know he trusted watching over them. One day soon she'd confront him about her suspicions. For now, she'd let things go. Their relationship was still too tenuous to get in his face about anything.

"No, we haven't." Jane agreed. "We're starting later tomorrow. Cho and Rigsby are interviewing a potential witness to one of the killings. Until they get back there isn't anything constructive I can do. Grace is giving me a call when they're on the way in so I'll have a few extra hours to spend with you and Miranda before I have to meet with Clementi."

Lisbon snorted at the obvious pleasure on Jane's face. Whatever Pauli Clementi was really like; he was already on his bad side. Whether Jane felt the way he did because the man had forced him back to work before he was ready or for some other more legitimate reason, she didn't know and she wasn't going to ask. There was plenty of time to discover all of that later. Besides, Jane's opinion might change the longer they worked together.

Right now, it was enough that, personal feelings aside, he seemed to still have enough respect for the man to cooperate for the time being.

"I like that." She did, too. "So, what do you want to do?"

Jane resisted the urge to say something mundane like watch a movie so he kissed her like he meant it instead. Honestly, he was pleasantly surprised when she responded as he'd hoped she would. Eventually ending the kiss, Jane pulled back and stared deeply into Lisbon's eyes. It wasn't hard to see she was fighting with herself. A part of her wanted to take him up on his unspoken offer. The other part thought it was much too soon.

There was too much left to resolve between them.

"Lisbon?" Watching her, Jane determined he'd probably die on the spot from unrequited lust if she refused his overture…Forget the love…As crass as it sounded to admit it, love wasn't what was killing him the longer they lived apart under the same roof…The other was. "What's going through your mind?"

Something was.

He could see it in her eyes.

"That I'm not sure I can do this." Lisbon admitted. "Not that I don't want to…Just that I'm not sure I can…Not with the lights on."

"Why?" Jane reached up to stroke her hair away from her cheek. "It isn't like I haven't seen them all before."

There wasn't any point in pretending he didn't know what she was talking about even if Lisbon was looking at him like he'd lost his mind. That she'd gone out of her way to ensure he didn't see her injuries even when he'd helped her dress didn't mean she'd been successful in her quest. Or that he hadn't seen them all before. When they were livid, raw, and far more jarring than they were now. All things considered, Lisbon was living in a fantasy world of her own creation if she thought he'd remained oblivious to the reality of what had happened to her.

Or to the marks she'd carry the rest of her life.

"Teresa, I rarely left your room in the early days." The endless parade of doctors and nurses had finally gotten used to doing what had to be done in his presence. "Most of your wounds weren't covered in the early days so there's nothing I haven't seen from the start. If you doubt me, this one caused your lung to collapse…." Jane ran his finger over a raised ridge through her shirt. "This one came much too close to your womb…."

Fortunately, much too close wasn't the same as scoring a direct hit so all had been well with their daughter for a little while longer.

"This is the one that messed up your shoulder." Jane traced the vertical slash that had sliced through muscle and tendon leaving Lisbon severely incapacitated. "And this is the one that nearly cost your life."

Jane couldn't bear to touch the deep gouge that had led to the ever widening pool of blood he'd witnessed beneath her on what had proven the single worse day of his life. Wiping the twinge of guilt from his mind at the thought, Jane recalled the blind terror in Lisbon's eyes…The overwhelming fear he'd arrived too late…Her roughly gasping for breath like a landlocked fish….

All things considered, he could probably be forgiven for finding the recollection of discovering his pregnant lover slowly bleeding out more horrifying than that of finding his wife and child lying amidst their blood stained bed cold to his feverish touch.

Closing his eyes, he wasn't sure that was entirely true.

They'd both been life altering events.

"So, there's nothing to see." Jane said quietly. "Nothing that makes you any less beautiful in my eyes so I don't think we need to turn that light off do you?"

"No." Lisbon agreed deciding she wasn't going to argue when Jane had already removed her top and moved on to her pants. "I don't guess we do."

"We don't." Jane stated firmly as he commenced to thoroughly prove she didn't need to guess what he already knew.

#

"Feel better?" Lisbon ran her hand over his bare chest deciding Jane looked far more relaxed than he had a short while ago. "Or do I need to ask?"

"What do you think?" Jane leaned in to kiss her. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." Lisbon caught his eyes. "You didn't hurt me if that's what you're asking."

They weren't that rough and she wasn't that fragile.

"That's not what I'm asking and you know it." Jane watched her carefully. "Are you okay?"

"I'm not having second thoughts." Lisbon stared him down. "Maybe we put the trying again ahead of talking things out; but, what else is new? We have a habit of doing things backwards if you haven't already figured that out."

Like having a child before committing.

Yet that wasn't true either. They'd been committed for years. What had always been nebulous was what exactly they were committed to.

Lisbon decided she wasn't going there.

A lot of water had passed under the bridge since Jane's prolonged Vegas "vacation."

"I have." Jane admitted. "I just wasn't sure how you felt about it."

"That maybe the faster we figure us out, the safer we'll be." Lisbon said quietly. "Maybe that as bad as things were for a while, I can't imagine my life without you in it. I've had to face the fact I don't like being here while you're there without me. We're supposed to be together."

They hadn't truly been apart even when Jane was being an ass. They'd still worked side by side as partners should. As awful as that had been some days, she couldn't stand the alternative. Jane had been a part of her life too long.

"Yes, we are." The job just wasn't the same without her. "You'll be back at work before too long."

"I hope so." Lisbon agreed. "Even if it's desk duty until I requalify again."

Not sure he thought that was any better, Jane tucked Lisbon against his body. Draping his arm across her waist, he was mildly surprised at a brief flair of resentment he couldn't get her with child again. There wasn't a snowball's chance in hell of that happening for a while. Her doctor's had made sure of that. In spite of unwanted feelings and desires, he wasn't insane. He knew Lisbon wasn't healthy enough to carry another child so soon. Her body hadn't fully recovered from her injuries or having Miranda. Added to that, MacAllister and friends were still out there. If that wasn't enough to halt the stupidity, neither he nor Lisbon knew they'd make it as a couple. They were clearly giving it a try; but, noting was written in stone. Not yet. If they didn't, having one kid in the mix would be bad enough. Two was untenable so, nope, getting pregnant again any time soon wasn't in the cards for them.

However, that didn't stop the longing deep inside him to experience all the things he'd missed with Miranda.

Things he'd chosen to ignore in favor of the greater good. Things he'd convinced himself he hadn't wanted to share. With hindsight, he was a stupid bastard. As grateful as he'd been for the few glimmers of light in the darkness, stolen sonograms and hurried intimacies didn't count for much. He'd denied Lisbon the magical moment between two people occurring when they realize their love has created life.

He'd denied himself.

Now that the moment had passed, he wanted what he couldn't have. Not in the recent past or his foreseeable future. Maybe never. Stroking down Lisbon's arm to her hand, he entwined their fingers.

Maybe he was better off just treasuring what he had.

"Penny for your thoughts." Lisbon stretched their conjoined fingers. "Don't say they're not worth it. They must be or your mind wouldn't be racing a mile a minute."

"Suit yourself." Jane kissed her shoulder before speaking softly in her ear. "I want to do it again."

"Do what again?" Lisbon wasn't prepared to feel his palm resting against her belly. "We can't."

She also wasn't ready for the stab of pain the thought gave her.

"Not right now." Jane agreed. "But maybe someday."

"Why?" She looked him square in the eyes. "You didn't want it the first time around."

"Because I love you and I love Miranda and I want that family again." Jane answered honestly. "Not having the right to feel that way doesn't change the fact I do."

Looking away, Lisbon wasn't sure how she felt about that except it was true. He didn't have a right to feel the way he did. He'd wasted most of the moments they should have treasured with Miranda. Yet, a part of her felt the same way. She wanted everything they'd missed, too. Then again, she also wanted to slap him silly for squandering the opportunity they'd already had.

However, she couldn't forget he'd suddenly appeared when she needed him most.

"Maybe we can discuss it later." Laying her head on his shoulder, Lisbon was mildly surprised she'd expressed that thought aloud. "When I'm well and we know this is all working out."

"Maybe we can." Jane agreed not willing to force the issue. "When we know better what we're up against."

As much as they both wanted to deny it, there was that, too.

The unknown threat in the shadows.

For the present, they were far better off just living in the moment and letting the future take care of itself.

He was sure of that.


	21. Chapter 20

A/N: Thank you for the patience, the reviews, and the support. I'm still feeling my way on this thing. We'll see where it goes before we're done. ~Calla

#

Studying her computer screen, Lisbon couldn't wait for Jane to get home. While they weren't going after anyone, they weren't sitting by idly waiting for the other shoe to fall either. Neither of them thought that was wise.

Not with their child and future at stake.

Hitting the next key, Lisbon watched the letters and numbers flickering across the screen. Thank goodness for Grace and her access to programs they shouldn't have. As goodie-goodie as she could be, owning bootleg decryption programs didn't seem to faze her at all. While the process hadn't yielded pay dirt yet, she hoped one of them would decode some part of the disc Bertram had hidden so well.

Shaking her head, Lisbon refused to think about how her old Director's insurance policy had ended up in her lover's hands. She'd beat the hell out of Jane if she did. It was a good thing he hadn't told her what he was up to ahead of time. He had to be out of his mind breaking into Bertram's place like that. Everyone knew you didn't cross yellow tape and contaminate a Crime Scene.

Apparently, Jane was the exception to the rule. Not hardly. He just didn't play by other people's rules. Who was she kidding? He didn't play well with others in general. Period. Yep, she definitely wanted to beat the hell out of Jane; but, she'd settle for some judicious blackmail instead. She'd even give him a choice: he could cook dinner for the rest of the week or sleep in his own bed.

Caring for Miranda was enough of an energy drain by the end of the day without having extra chores waiting for her…Not that she couldn't easily handle everything if she was a hundred percent…She could…She could do it all now; she really could…She just wouldn't have anything left over for Jane.

In or out of bed.

Lisbon smirked to herself at that thought. Like she didn't know what he'd choose if given a choice. Jane liked cooking. He didn't like sleeping alone in his bed. Not since a few nights ago. Come to think of it, she didn't like him sleeping alone in his bed much either. Then again, she liked cooking after a hard round of Physical Therapy even less.

That being said, if a certain someone proved difficult, she could always take one for the team and lock her bedroom door.

Turning her attention back to the computer, Lisbon decided maybe she didn't want to continue what she was doing. Not if the name suddenly popping up on the screen after eight hours of digital manipulations was any indication. She'd sat across the Poker Table from the woman at a few of those high stakes games Bertram had invited her to over the years.

Even worse, she'd testified in the Judge's courtroom a number of times in the past and most certainly would do so again in the future as well.

Minimizing the screen to let the program do its thing in private, Lisbon rose slowly to her feet and headed for Miranda's room. She'd never be able to look at the woman the same. No matter how hard she tried. Then again, she didn't really have a choice. She had to act normal when their path's crossed or risk tipping their hand. It was a good thing she wasn't going back to work any time soon.

She still had time to get past the fact she'd always liked the other woman and start viewing her as the enemy she truly was.

Making way down the stairs and heading towards the kitchen, Lisbon stopped in her tracks.

"I didn't hear you come in." She was more than a mildly surprised to see Jane home early. "How long have you been here?"

Clearly long enough to have gotten a head start on dinner.

"About fifteen minutes." Jane said quietly not liking her words. "What was on that disc to make you forget you're a cop for a half second?"

Lisbon blinked at the censure in his voice and had the grace to feel guilty he'd caught her totally unaware there was anyone in their apartment except for her and their daughter.

There was no denying she'd come too close to dying the last time she let that happen.

Miranda had too.

"Judith Costas is one of them." Lisbon walked across the room to stand in front of him. "I wasn't expecting that."

Dropping a kiss on her lips, Jane silently forgave her momentary lapse. Finding the name of a close acquaintance on the Devil's List was enough to cause a brief collapse of the mental grid. At least in Lisbon's case. In spite of everything that had happened, she still believed there were good people left in the world.

She'd always believed the Lady Judge was one of them.

Him, not so much.

With a scant few exceptions to that rule like the Cho Man, Grandpa Minelli, Rigsby and the lovely Van Pelt, he didn't expect miracles from mankind. As tough as his pint-sized cookie was, she still did and he loved her for it.

Found that tiny bit of naiveté captivating.

"Yeah, well, you should probably prepare yourself." Jane took Miranda from her mother's arms. "I suspect we're going to recognize most of the names on that disc when the cipher is finally cracked. I'll be greatly surprised if there's anyone we don't."

By reputation at least.

"You're probably right." Lisbon agreed. "The Judge is the only name that's popped up so far and it took all day to get that one. I don't think any of this is going to be quick or easy. It's going to take several days…or weeks…to finish everything."

"I think you're right; but, at least the program is doing its thing." Jane handled Miranda back after a thorough cuddling and kissing. "I'm sure there will be at least one more name before the night is over. We'll check again before we go to bed. In the meantime, why don't you put Miranda over there and come help me cook?"

Lisbon glanced at the portable play pen in the corner of the den and back at Jane before doing as he requested. Watching her daughter for a moment, she was satisfied Miranda would be occupied  
with her mobile for a while to come. Sometimes it bugged her how quickly her child's attention was captured and held by more interesting pastimes than her doting mother. Other times she appreciated how bright she was turning out to be.

Their kid definitely possessed the best, and possibly the worst, of both of them…She was bright, cunning, and calm.

"Actually, I'm going to sit right here and watch you do your thing." Lisbon said quietly as she sat at the kitchen bar. "What are we having anyway?"

"What does it look like?" Jane asked smashing a garlic clove. "Somehow, I don't think you'll need three guesses."

"Ribeyes and loaded baked potatoes." Lisbon watched him make his signature rub. "It's Friday night, right?"

"Yeah, it's Friday night." Jane agreed as he kept working. "You want a glass of wine?"

"I'll get them." Lisbon watched him gather the makings for a salad from the refrigerator before pouring two normal glasses of wine. "Oh, and we always have steaks on Friday night unless you're working."

As he had been the past couple of Friday nights.

"Where I should be tonight." Jane removed a head of Romaine Lettuce from the package and made short work of cutting it into bite sized pieces. "But, since we're waiting on Forensics to get back to us early next week, we're at a standstill right now so I decided to cut out early. I'm not sure about the rest of the team; but, I suspect they did the same."

He knew they'd done the same.

However, by not knowing exactly what the other parties were doing, there was a clear case of deniable culpability for everyone involved should things go awry. And, yes, it was true they couldn't do anything but twiddle their thumbs until that report came in. Actually, it wasn't just that case they were awaiting Forensics on. It was several cases and they were at a temporary stand still on those as well. Personally, he couldn't think of a better time to take a break and spend some much needed time with his girls. While they might have gotten back together a few days ago, he and Lisbon hadn't spent much quality time together since.

"I'd say you're probably right." Lisbon agreed. "You can be a bad influence at times."

"It was Cho's idea." Jane stated casually as he continued chopping vegetables. "While I didn't have to follow his lead, it seemed like a good idea at the time so I did."

"Yeah, right." Lisbon smirked into her wine glass. "Like you weren't already looking for the nearest exit."

"I never denied that." Jane agreed throwing tomato, onion, and cucumber slices in the bowl. "We don't spend enough time together as it is." Sleeping in the same bed didn't really count…Not when sleeping was most of what was getting done. "Somehow, I think we're more important than some nightmare case the Director wants solved yesterday. What do I care if some low life whacked a crooked politician? He got what he deserved if you ask me."

Taking a sip of wine, Lisbon watched Jane cover the salad and put it back in the refrigerator. Knowing his M.O., he'd add the feta and Kalamata's right before serving. Strangely enough, she thought he was right about the case. Not necessarily about the victim not mattering because he was sleazy. All victims mattered. But, about them needing more down time together, he was definitely right. Their relationship was still fragile and in need of nurturing in spite of work. Contrary to how she would have felt before, she saw nothing wrong with cutting out early when there was nothing constructive left to do.

Her perspective had altered greatly over the last year. There was just something about almost dying and having a child that changed everything. Suddenly, catching a criminal wasn't nearly as important as spending quality time with the ones you love.

"You ready for the steaks to go on?" Jane asked quietly. "They could use some time to let the flavors marry."

"Marry away." Lisbon weighed her options deciding she wasn't all that hungry yet. "I think I'd rather talk awhile. Besides, we can always grab some cheese and crackers if we need to."

"Sounds like a plan." Jane was pleased she felt much as he did. "Why don't we solve that problem before we have it?" Quickly layering some savory crackers, he topped them with slices of Monterrey Jack and carried the plate into the den aware that Lisbon was on his heels. "You're like one of those kids in that fairy tale…Where the food goes you follow."

Yeah, well, the rats did, too; but, she wasn't reminding him of that.

"So what?" Lisbon popped a cracker in her mouth as she settled in her usual spot on one end of the comfy leather couch. "You're not any different. Not if it comes from the Farmer's Market."

"Perhaps not." Jane agreed as he took a sip of wine and steeled himself to put business before pleasure. "While we know Costa's name is on the list, I have no doubts we'll get several more in the next day or two. What do you want to do about it?"

"You're asking me if I think we should go after them or let sleeping dogs lay?" Lisbon studied her wine as she contemplated her answer. "I thought we'd already decided that."

"We have." Jane agreed. "But, I know you and you've done a lot of thinking in the days since. What I want to know is if you've changed your mind. Honestly, as much as I think doing nothing is the smartest course of action, I find myself second guessing that decision every now and then."

"So do I." Lisbon grabbed another cracker enjoying the jalapeno bite of the cheese. "Do you think anyone knew about Bertram's insurance policy?"

"I think someone suspected he did." Jane admitted. "I'm not the first person to break through that yellow tape."

"Don't you think that's something I should have known before now?" Lisbon gave him a look that said it all. "We agreed not to keep secrets."

She didn't have to tell him withholding information was a clear betrayal of that pact.

"Yes, we did." Jane said. "But, I didn't want to worry you unnecessarily."

"This is hardly unnecessary." Lisbon clearly wasn't happy with him. "Someone else knowing about that disc changes the playing field."

"Not really." Jane reassured her. "I don't think they knew what they were looking for…That the break in was more of a fishing expedition to see if they could find anything…The search was too generalized and messy. They didn't know Bertram or his habits very well. If they had, they'd have zeroed in on the real hiding place like I did."

"You're sure they didn't find anything?" Lisbon wasn't sure she believed him. "Something we might need."

"As sure as I can be." Jane admitted. "From what I could see, they checked the obvious places and we both know Bertram was too smart to hide anything important where it could be easily found. If he had, he'd have defeated the purpose of having an insurance policy in the first place. I'm reasonably sure that's not the first time his place was searched either."

The only difference was he'd been alive those other times. Obviously not home at the time; but, clearly alive. Bertram wouldn't have missed something like that. No matter how careful the searchers were to restore order. Jane was sure of that. _He_ definitely hadn't missed the subtle signs the place had been tossed even though nothing was out of place.

There was a certain _smeared_ quality to the thin layer of dust that had accumulated since Bertram's departure that was impossible for someone of his sensory acuity to miss.

"You think they were keeping tabs on each other." Lisbon snorted at the absurdity of it all. "I thought these guys didn't know each other."

That was what they'd surmised from the handful of low level "associates" they'd managed to catch over the years. Not that they'd had them long enough to find out any differently. Unfortunately, their captives tended to expire under mysterious circumstances before they could share anything that changed the game.

"While I'd say that's true for the most part, I suspect the highest echelon is different." Jane studied his wine. "None of them know Red John's identity; but, he knows them and they know each other. There's a certain twisted protection in being able to topple one another if the need arises."

"I don't even want to think about that." Lisbon swirled her glass. "I can't get my mind around any of this."

"You don't have to." Jane set his glass aside. "Not yet. We don't have all the pieces to put the puzzle together which brings me back to my original question. What do you want to do?"

"You already know the answer." Lisbon snorted at him. "Just as you already know it isn't going to work out that way."

It never did.

"Probably not." Jane agreed. "But, I'd suggest we do nothing until there's no other choice."

"What are you proposing?" Lisbon wondered aloud. "That we pull a Bertram and hide the list for insurance?"

"I think I am." Jane said quietly. "We don't need to actively pursue anything. Not yet. When they trip up, as people usually do, then we act. Put the final nail in their coffin behind the scenes. Something like that."

Stick to his original conviction to leave the monsters hiding in the shadows in the shadows as long as they stayed there.

"Remove the threats one at a time as they become threats." Lisbon mulled that thought. "It might work."

Turn their M.O. back on them.

"It's a plan anyway." Jane closed his eyes. "Right now, I don't care if scum kills scum and I suspect you feel the same. But, we both know that might change as recent traumas become less traumatic. We need to stay open to that possibility and we need to stay committed to reigning each other in when the temptation to go after them gets too much."

While decoding the names would help ensure their safety, it would also become a temptation hard to resist acting on as time passed. It would be so easy to go after corrupt officials like Judith Costas; but, they couldn't. Not yet. It wasn't in their best interest so they'd just have to stick to their guns.

Keep each other on the straight and narrow.

"I think Miranda will ensure we don't go vigilante." Lisbon glanced at her sleeping daughter. "Neither of us would willingly put her at risk."

"You're right." He wouldn't willingly put either of them at risk. "I think we've discussed this long enough. What do you say to turning our attention to more pleasant things like fixing dinner and making up for lost time?"

Catching his eyes, Lisbon snorted at him before declaring his statement the lamest proposition she'd ever heard.

"Who said anything about a proposition?" Jane drew her to her feet. "I was thinking more along the lines of a promise."

As far as he was concerned, they might never make it upstairs. They didn't have to. Miranda was safely asleep in her corner.

It wasn't like she'd be aware of anything going on.

"You were huh?" Lisbon draped her arms around his neck. "Then I'd say we need to get on with getting on."

Leaning in to give her a thorough kiss, Jane guided Lisbon back into the kitchen and topped off their glasses.

From the look in his lover's eyes, he doubted those steaks would be hitting the grill anytime soon.


End file.
